The fear

[Yonda]

I always focus on the love and hurt

I never focus on the fear but when I did it brings a different perspective

Imagine being so fearful of rejection to the core of who you are that you would sell yourself and anyone else to that fear

That the fear is so big their can convince themselves of almost anything in moments.

That they love you and desire you

I still don’t believe they enjoy sex. I think any enjoyment is just primitive impulse and there is no emotional content or real desire with context.

Just an impulse they are ashamed of

It’s given to not be rejected

It’s kind of repulsive when you think about  it

I’m not exactly sure how that makes me feel but it’s quite disgusting. Being a female I might have a different way of feeling and thinking about it.

It’s like you have to read yourself the story about what happened over and over to be able to step right back and look at the bigger all picture

You get stuck in mind blowing the detail is and how hurtful it is

They are one big ball fear that drives them and they don’t have any control over it

It’s crushing

The revelation when they leave

When I saw the pattern my whole world fell through the floor

Into a big dark hole

That was the moment I realised I was being abused for years

I saws the pattern

My whole world changed forever in that moment

I dreamt in the following nights she had trapped me under the floor and I had blood all over me

I can’t even tell you how that felt and describe it to even begin to cover the depth of pain.

To people who believe they can have a life with a BDP

I would seriously rethink that mindset

It’s not about love and it’s not about hurt

It’s about fear

That fear will become yours

Eventually and possibly even now and your mind hasn’t grasped what is happening.