Nothing left to do, but tell the truth.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Coming to terms with wanting to divorce my BPDh has been a long and difficult road. I've put in a lot of work since I realized how unhappy I was almost 11 months ago. I've been seeing my therapist, I've tried support groups, I've reached out to friends and family. I've read blogs, I've read books, I met with a lawyer, I've done everything I can think of to make sure I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

So why can't I just do it? I'm just so frustrated with myself. All that's left is picking the day to tell him the truth. I desperately want to be honest. But I also desperately can't let go of my current reality and I don't know why! I'm laying in bed, I'm staring at the ceiling in the morning. I don't want to start the day. I feel frozen and scared. I don't like my life right now but I am also so scared face the harsh reality of my feelings and my husband's reaction to it.

Honestly, I feel like I've been running from my own reality for most of this relationship. I've been through a lot in my life, and I'm just so scared for things to feel "real" again. I'm scared to feel all my feelings. I'm scared to feel what it's like to be alone.

But I'm also realizing that I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I know in moments where I'm not panicking that a real life can be waiting for me if I can just take this step. I have friends who want to go on a divorce road trip with me! I have family I haven't seen in almost a year that I can't wait to build a deeper relationship with. But I think I'm scared of the part in between the breakup and the fun stuff. The parts where he's still living in my house and he's miserable and unhappy and who knows what else. But I think I'm finally in a place mentally where I'm able to handle it. And honestly it's not that different than what I'm living with now. It's just doing that without the pretending that I'm okay with it.

I just wish I could make myself do it. Pick a day, any day. Ugh.

[thepixies21]

Coming to terms with wanting to divorce my BPDh has been a long and difficult road. I've put in a lot of work since I realized how unhappy I was almost 11 months ago. I've been seeing my therapist, I've tried support groups, I've reached out to friends and family. I've read blogs, I've read books, I met with a lawyer, I've done everything I can think of to make sure I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

So why can't I just do it? I'm just so frustrated with myself. All that's left is picking the day to tell him the truth. I desperately want to be honest. But I also desperately can't let go of my current reality and I don't know why! I'm laying in bed, I'm staring at the ceiling in the morning. I don't want to start the day. I feel frozen and scared. I don't like my life right now but I am also so scared face the harsh reality of my feelings and my husband's reaction to it.

Honestly, I feel like I've been running from my own reality for most of this relationship. I've been through a lot in my life, and I'm just so scared for things to feel "real" again. I'm scared to feel all my feelings. I'm scared to feel what it's like to be alone.

But I'm also realizing that I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I know in moments where I'm not panicking that a real life can be waiting for me if I can just take this step. I have friends who want to go on a divorce road trip with me! I have family I haven't seen in almost a year that I can't wait to build a deeper relationship with. But I think I'm scared of the part in between the breakup and the fun stuff. The parts where he's still living in my house and he's miserable and unhappy and who knows what else. But I think I'm finally in a place mentally where I'm able to handle it. And honestly it's not that different than what I'm living with now. It's just doing that without the pretending that I'm okay with it.

I just wish I could make myself do it. Pick a day, any day. Ugh.

[JoeBPD81]

I hear you. Most of us need a lot of time, because it it only ourselves who have been preventing us to do it. I hope you find your strength soon.

"There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes".

[livednlearned]

I don't know much about addictions but there do seem to be parallels between substance abuse and codependency.

My ex was an addict and I can see how my codependent behavior sort of mirrored his, in a way.

This helped me recognize why it was so hard to leave. Even though I was beyond miserable and felt scared, the fiction that I was necessary and needed and essential to his well-being was too much. It felt a lot like "I'll stop doing x tomorrow," and negotiating with myself about why that choice was justified. Meanwhile beating myself up for being too weak to leave 

I think you nailed it on the head when you said you feel scared to feel all your feelings. For me, I was so deeply trained to avoid my feelings, it was like they were buried under a thick slab of concrete, especially more vulnerable feelings. Those feelings probably would've helped me take better care of myself, helping me to leave a bad situation even if it meant someone else got mad.

Somatic experiencing therapy had a more profound impact on my healing than talk therapy. I needed someone advocating for what my body was trying to say and feel because my mind was exceptional at getting out of unpleasant experiences, like feeling difficult feelings.

I think it makes perfect sense that you dread him living with you after ending the relationship. That's a perfectly rational thing to fear! It's also possible all of this comes down to resisting something unpleasant, especially if you sense he is likely to get worse.

[Pook075]

So why can't I just do it? I'm just so frustrated with myself. All that's left is picking the day to tell him the truth.

As a man of faith, I believe that even when we can't see a way forward, God can.  Nothing is impossible or insurmountable if we give our troubles to Him.

If you can't continue doing what you're doing, then tell him the truth today.  Don't wait, because it's going to stink today, next week, or next year.  There is no "good time" for something like this.

However, I wouldn't start the conversation with "it's over".  I'd start with, "Neither of us are happy and we need to decide how to fix that."  Give him the opportunity to suggest changes and/or work through this.  Maybe he surprises you.  Maybe not.  But part of your hesitation could be your own doubts if this is the right thing to do.  So give him a final chance for redemption.

Whatever happens though, you have the strength to get through this.  Good luck!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Pixies-

You’ve done an enormous amount of difficult soul searching and hard work in both supporting every need your H has (or he thinks he has) and through your own therapy before arriving at this crossroad.  You don’t need to second guess yourself on this decision.

I’ve also engaged in a ton of *forgiving and forgetting* of truly bad actions and words by loved ones over the course of my life (and out of necessity this behavior continues in certain family relationships).  And during my 19-year marriage with my NPD/BPD exH, I would truly repeatedly *forget* painful things he’d do and say.  To me, it was as if he’d never done those things… That was my coping mechanism.  However, weeks before the pretty extreme ending of our marriage, he again did something awful, and I remember standing in our kitchen and saying out loud “I have to remember I feel like this.”  I said it to myself.  That was NOT a new feeling to me.  And I was not newly conscious of it.  It had been happening for most of our 19 years.  But I was so intensely loyal and dedicated.  And codependent.

My point is, the pain you’ve been feeling in your marriage is unlikely to have just begun 11 months ago.  It is more likely that something switched on in you at that point.  You’ve had *real* feelings all along.  You’ve likely felt pain and loneliness; and perhaps loneliness is the one you fear the most.  But the good thing is that once you are out, the people you choose to spend time with will allow you to express what you truly feel… be it pain, loneliness, confusion, elation...  You won’t have to hide anymore.  You cannot do that now.  Not with your H.  That is the most beautiful part of the freedom.  That and breathing.

My friend, most of us here twisted ourselves inside out trying to love, placate, heal, support, humor and feed the souls and bodies of our disordered partners.   I cannot say whether I’ve ever received one iota of real support (emotional, spiritual, financial or otherwise) from either of my former partners where there wasn’t some real *benefit* to them - at least in cases where people outside of our relationship couldn’t see them and give them kudos.  Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent.

My endings, with both my exH (19 years) and my BPDexbf (yep 6.5 more years, did it again because I didn’t know what I know now), were both awful.  And I still loved both of them when each relationship ended.

When you do decide to speak with your H, I’d recommend you speak only for yourself, not for your H or his “lack” of happiness in the marriage.  LnL gave you some great suggestions on approaches to the conversation a few posts back.  Perhaps you can reread what she wrote.

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position; but he is an adult and it’s time he step up as one.

You cannot love someone to wellness.  And as someone wisely wrote somewhere in these pages, “you cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”

Hugs to you,
Gems

[ForeverDad]

Coming to terms with wanting to divorce my BPDh has been a long and difficult road...  So why can't I just do it? I'm just so frustrated with myself. All that's left is picking the day to tell him the truth...  I just wish I could make myself do it. Pick a day, any day. Ugh.

What do you think is the reason other women in his life (presumably you were not the first woman he met) didn't stay and you did?  Somehow you kept trying and trying to make it work - and failing.  At first you didn't realize it was a serious mental health disorder.  Now you know.

That was my dilemma too.  By the time I found out about Borderline and other acting-out disorders, I felt I was in too deep and didn't see a way to fix things, even having a child together only made everything worse and more complicated to exit.  Many others here also faced that dilemma.

Once it was made clear that there was no perfect time to cut my losses and figure a way out, I then started preparing for what I knew would come.  I made a small start by changing some of my finances.  I reduced my "joint" entanglements.  My replacement car was registered in my name only.  (So strange that she was the one to insist on it.)  Then I opened a separate bank account in my name only.  I was preparing a less stressful exit even if I didn't realize it.  I still couldn't leave, no way for me to choose a day to exit, but soon the police were called and that was our ignominious End.  Good thing that I had at least started some preparations so that when it did happen I wasn't totally unprepared.

Have you been able to make some of your own preparations so you're not caught totally off guard if/when the Exit Day is not by your timing?

If you are the one to pick the time to exit, be sure you've prepared yourself with peer & counseling support, legal advice from a local family law attorney, determined some basic financial account separations, etc.

You don’t need to second guess yourself on this decision.

My friend, most of us here twisted ourselves inside out trying to love, placate, heal, support, humor and feed the souls and bodies of our disordered partners.

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position; but he is an adult and it’s time he step up as one.

You cannot love someone to wellness.  And as someone wisely wrote somewhere in these pages, “you cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”

That last thought there is so meaningful.  Due to the dysfunction of the other person, the other is soothed only when we submit to harming ourselves.  That is clearly unhealthy.

He is an adult and as such he ought to face his consequences.  Facing consequences is a balanced way of living life.

No way will this necessary step be easy, but I suspect it will not be as hard as you fear.

[Cat Familiar]

What finally occurred to me in my marriage to a BPD/NPD/ASPD after many years was that I was waiting to die, even though I was still young.

I needed a better exit plan.  

So I told myself that I faced a dichotomous choice. At his next act of physical or psychological terror, I would choose to either continue waiting to die or I was out for good.

Not long after I came to that realization, he threw something at me and chased me down our long gravel driveway late at night. I yelled for help, something I’d never done before even though it was unlikely anyone would hear me in this rural area with large parcels of land. But my yelling caused him to back off for the first time.

Something inside me broke (or maybe healed) and I vowed that I’d never again let anyone hurt me like that. That night I slept on the couch with a knife in my hand, knowing that if he attacked me in my sleep, I’d fight back with all the strength I had. Thankfully he didn’t or perhaps I’d be writing this from a cell.

Hopefully your situation is not nearly so extreme as mine was. But I want you to know that it is possible to find safety and happiness again after a very dysfunctional marriage.

Though I must caution you to be very careful about future relationships. I’m here because I once again chose a partner with a personality disorder, though he is very kind but still there’s the occasional BPD chaos, just on a very mild level.

I realized that I was repeating a family pattern. The love and acceptance I longed for from my BPD mother, I had now sought from romantic partners, not noticing at the outset the dysfunction amidst the honeymoon phase.

[thepixies21]

Even though I was beyond miserable and felt scared, the fiction that I was necessary and needed and essential to his well-being was too much. It felt a lot like "I'll stop doing x tomorrow," and negotiating with myself about why that choice was justified. Meanwhile beating myself up for being too weak to leave 

Totally this! I think my “addiction” has been feeling responsible for his every need which I can see has only made things worse. I think we both have our own habits to break, and I think I may need to be the one who takes the first step, even if it’s painful.

[thepixies21]

However, I wouldn't start the conversation with "it's over".  I'd start with, "Neither of us are happy and we need to decide how to fix that."  Give him the opportunity to suggest changes and/or work through this.  Maybe he surprises you.  Maybe not.  But part of your hesitation could be your own doubts if this is the right thing to do.  So give him a final chance for redemption.

Whatever happens though, you have the strength to get through this.  Good luck!

Thanks so much for your support! I think you’re right, there is never going to be a good time. Unfortunately we have had multiple talks about what needs to change, and I’ve noticed he is great at saying all the right things and convincing me he is going to make changes and tell me what he needs from me without it resorting to a meltdown, but there is never any action with those words. So at this point I think it has to be a frank but compassionate  discussion about needing to separate. Not looking forward to it, but I know it’s the right thing at the end of the day.

[thepixies21]

I’ve also engaged in a ton of *forgiving and forgetting* of truly bad actions and words by loved ones over the course of my life (and out of necessity this behavior continues in certain family relationships).  And during my 19-year marriage with my NPD/BPD exH, I would truly repeatedly *forget* painful things he’d do and say.  To me, it was as if he’d never done those things… That was my coping mechanism.  However, weeks before the pretty extreme ending of our marriage, he again did something awful, and I remember standing in our kitchen and saying out loud “I have to remember I feel like this.”  I said it to myself.  That was NOT a new feeling to me.  And I was not newly conscious of it.  It had been happening for most of our 19 years.  But I was so intensely loyal and dedicated.  And codependent.

I think that’s a major issue I have. I can very easily tell myself once all the hurt feelings I have get better with time  that it wasn’t that bad. And I have definitely convinced myself that things that happened over the years were “normal” fights when they clearly weren’t, even early on. I think capturing a lot of these feelings on this forum and having it reflected back to me that what happened is not acceptable has really helped me see that this is not a healthy relationship to stay in. So thank you!!

[thepixies21]

What do you think is the reason other women in his life (presumably you were not the first woman he met) didn't stay and you did?  Somehow you kept trying and trying to make it work - and failing.  At first you didn't realize it was a serious mental health disorder.  Now you know.

Have you been able to make some of your own preparations so you're not caught totally off guard if/when the Exit Day is not by your timing?

He is an adult and as such he ought to face his consequences.  Facing consequences is a balanced way of living life.

No way will this necessary step be easy, but I suspect it will not be as hard as you fear.

As always, thanks for the advice! :-) I also hope when the time comes it isn’t as bad as I’m expecting. I think previous girlfriends he had were not codependent like me, so once he started to cling and manipulate they left. And as I’ve been working on myself over the last few years I can see how he’s benefited from my own need to feel like I’m helping him and caring for him at my own expense. But I have just reached that point where the thought of being back in that mindset again makes me feel sick to my stomach. And the thought of staying makes me feel miserable I think I do just need to find a time that I can tell him, then get away for a bit to take care of myself afterwards. Luckily my bank account and my car are all in my name. The big issue is going to be the house. But at this point to heck with the house, I just want to feel safe. I have met with a lawyer and they gave me good advice. I think all that is really left is to have the conversation.

[thepixies21]

What finally occurred to me in my marriage to a BPD/NPD/ASPD after many years was that I was waiting to die, even though I was still young.

I needed a better exit plan.  

Hopefully your situation is not nearly so extreme as mine was. But I want you to know that it is possible to find safety and happiness again after a very dysfunctional marriage.

Though I must caution you to be very careful about future relationships. I’m here because I once again chose a partner with a personality disorder, though he is very kind but still there’s the occasional BPD chaos, just on a very mild level.

I realized that I was repeating a family pattern. The love and acceptance I longed for from my BPD mother, I had now sought from romantic partners, not noticing at the outset the dysfunction amidst the honeymoon phase.

I have a very similar family pattern, and there are some definite similarities between my relationship with my husband and the one I had with my mom. Thank you for sharing your story, I am thankful that you were strong enough to get away from someone that was so violent and terrifying. In my case his anger really scares  me, and when he throws things it definitely makes me feel unsafe. It has never escalated to violence against me and since he has been getting treatment for his depression the intense anger has improved for now, but I know this isn’t forever. And he’s aware that I won’t tolerate it or I will leave the home which has helped with that too. But this is definitely no way to live: I don’t want the bar to be “he isn’t scaring me by throwing the fan anymore”. I know everyone deserves way more than that.

I am DEFINITELY in no position to think about dating. It would be nice but I need to get my mind right once all this is settled. But I think it is good advice! It is nice to think about one day being with someone and feeling like they are a real partner, but I think my biggest goal is to figure myself out and who I am on my own.

[ForeverDad]

Luckily my bank account and my car are all in my name. The big issue is going to be the house. But at this point to heck with the house, I just want to feel safe. I have met with a lawyer and they gave me good advice. I think all that is really left is to have the conversation.

Thought to ponder:  Five or 10 years from now, would you still feel "But at this point to heck with the house, I just want to feel safe."  Somehow I believe you'll feel differently.

My story... I was working and able to pay the property's expenses.  Also, within a week of my separation I had temp order that assigned me possession.  She never tried to return to our home despite it being a joint ownership.  At the end of the divorce I refinanced the property in my name only, she surrendered joint ownership with a quit claim deed, and in return I paid her half of the equity in the house (and half my retirement account).

Of course if the house is jointly owned and neither of you can afford the house on your own, then sell the home and split the equity.

Once you are past this initial feeling of feeling unsafe, once your lawyer has you on the path to an end of the troubled relationship, that's when you will feel financially able to address the house's future and ensure you don't rush too quickly to Gift it to your stbEx.

Meanwhile, seek out a few legal consultations so you know what your rights are and to ensure you don't overlook options and services available to you.