28 year dsughter

[gen9361]

My 28 year old daughter has Bpd.  She does not live with us.  She was a drug addict, had a son.  My husband and I had to take custody of him due to her drug use and bpd.  She only contacts us when she needs money or a ride.  She has epilepsy so she can’t drive.  She also manipulated men into taking her in.  Currently she is renting a room, however we are helping her with the rent.  She jumps from job to job.  I  am worried that she will be back on the streets and that’s why I help her.   She has alienated her entire extended family.  I have been verbally abused by her, manipulated and I am exhausted.  I need to break ties with her, take control of my life.  I have been in therapy for the past 7 years.  My husband and I are near retirement age and we can’t assist her monetarily soon.  I am at my wits end.  I love her but I don’t like her at times.  I feel stressed and anxious. Any advice would help. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi gen9361
Thanks for posting. We have a lot in common: dd - mine is 33 - child, drugs, demanding etc etc.  My dd has had many relationships, been on the streets. It's a long journey and it's exhausting.

I have tried lots of options eg supporting dd living separately, but in the long run it worked better for me to have her here. I have worked hard to actually be 'separate' while under the same roof, but boy it's challenging!

At any point along the journey all options are on the table for us - it depends on our individual situations. Some people here have gone no contact and for them that has benefits, but is not without its pain too. I admit that I frequently think about being 'free' of this situation. At those times, even though I feel quite frantic, I still seem able to push the pause button and think about how that would look.

My bottom line is I want dd to have  a roof over her head. Some people who go no contact know that their child is able to live with another parent or someone else, but this is not the case for my dd.

I have worked on going 'no contact' in a different way; I don't engage much with dd and this has been an amazing help. At the moment I have begun to withdraw from financial support for her - letting her know in advance so it can sink in. this will be a battle but it is the next step.

I am older than you and just retiring. I am working on possibilities re dd's housing and also looking ahead to how I am able to leave her a roof over her head without her getting title to the property ie leaving a 'life interest'.

Top priority -is your own exhaustion. It sounds as though you are working, rearing your gs and coping with dd's mental health - a huge load. Is there any opportunity for a break at all? I find even an afternoon a week to myself can make a huge difference.

Rather than all this going round in your head, I wonder if writing it all down would help you formulate a plan? Perhaps under headings:
-what happens now (how is is working financially; emotionally; physically etc_
what is my bottom line? how would I feel cutting off contact? How would this affect gs? what would be the likely outcome for dd?
Is there a way to manage the worst of the 'now' so that there is still some contact but there are boundaries in place.
what is the timeframe for change?

The journey with a bpd child is the toughest gig in my opinion. I hope you can be kind to yourself in some way and can find a way forward that is right for you.

[RRRJCCCN]

“I love her but I don’t like her at times.  I feel stressed and anxious.” Same
I am in the same boat with my daughter, even the financial concerns, I can absolutely not help her anymore or risk losing my very small, older house, and can not risk messing up emotionally(to tired or stressed out) because I might lose my job.
I feel like I make progress sometimes in setting boundaries and it feels like she is kind of leveling out, and then BAM, she calls in a crisis, or mad at me for something I may or may not have done, or almost sounding out of touch with reality. It seems like it is always two steps ahead and then two or three back sometimes.

[BPDstinks]

Hello!  I am very new to this group!  I very much commiserate with your situations.  My daughter is 23 years old; diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago...we were very, very close to the point of me sleeping over; flash forward, she no longer speaks to me (despite my text efforts) UNLESS she needs something (no greeting, just a demand) my husband or other daughter.  I am slowly coming to terms with this but it makes me soo sad; it is the first thing I think of in the morning & last thing at night.  What caught my eye, "I love her but don't like her!  I am an anxious person (I have medication/therapist) she makes me sooo nervous, i literally feel sick; she has said the cruelest of things to me; I am taking a "Jesus take the wheel" approach & told her I am here if you need me; hang in there

[kells76]

Hello gen9361  and a warm welcome.

It sounds like you're at a turning point in your life. As much as you love your D28, the BPD makes it difficult to like her or to want to keep giving and giving and giving when it doesn't really seem to help.

This part of your post stood out to me:

I need to break ties with her, take control of my life.  I have been in therapy for the past 7 years.  My husband and I are near retirement age and we can’t assist her monetarily soon.  I am at my wits end.  I love her but I don’t like her at times.  I feel stressed and anxious. Any advice would help. 

One of the "biggies" we learn about coping with pwBPD (persons with BPD) is that while we can't control or change them, there are many things that are 100% under our control, and when we change those things, we can change the relationship dynamic.

Like RRRJCCCN brought up:

I am in the same boat with my daughter, even the financial concerns, I can absolutely not help her anymore or risk losing my very small, older house, and can not risk messing up emotionally(to tired or stressed out) because I might lose my job.
I feel like I make progress sometimes in setting boundaries and it feels like she is kind of leveling out, and then BAM, she calls in a crisis, or mad at me for something I may or may not have done, or almost sounding out of touch with reality.

Boundaries are a big part of changing our dynamic with the pwBPD in our life.

Sometimes boundaries get misunderstood as "ultimatums to the other person". In fact, fortunately, true boundaries are 100% under our control, and don't require the other person to participate, cooperate, or agree!

We have a great workshop on examples of real boundaries that has multiple examples of financial boundaries. Take a look -- does anything seem to speak to you right now?

Fill us in on how things are going;

kells76