Empathy fatigue

[Florence96]

Long for tips: I have empathy fatigue. I consider myself an empathetic person in general but I’m worn out. Husband with BPD and significant increase in frequency of moments of rage against me. Afterward, the apology or conversation that follows feels insufficient or doesn’t “fill my cup.” He recently agreed / self diagnosed his BPD. I would have thought this increased or improved my ability to be empathetic toward him but I feel burned out. How can I become more understanding and/or supportive?

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[Florence96]

Meant:Looking for tips*

[SaltyDawg]

Long for tips: I have empathy fatigue. I consider myself an empathetic person in general but I’m worn out. Husband with BPD and significant increase in frequency of moments of rage against me. Afterward, the apology or conversation that follows feels insufficient or doesn’t “fill my cup.” He recently agreed / self diagnosed his BPD. I would have thought this increased or improved my ability to be empathetic toward him but I feel burned out. How can I become more understanding and/or supportive?

Florence,

   Welcome to BPD Family.  Since you asked for tips...

Tips: 

#1 - Do self-care.  You need to 'fill your cup' first, before you can help him with his.  It is kind of like the announcements to put your own oxygen mask on first when flying before helping the person next to you with theirs.  You need to have enough energy for both yourself and any you have left over can go for caring for him.


#2 - Don't do this alone.  Get help, professional therapists cost money, it is well worth the copay if you have insurance.  If you don't have the ability to pay, I have a list of many free/low cost resources.

If you are looking for BPD specific help, you have this website, BPD family, you can post and ask questions 24/7 here - in my humble opinion this is by far the best resource.  NEABPD has also been mentioned, they have a long wait list, but they have a lot of videos.  I am a strong believer in self-help resources - like youtube, books, etc.

If you are looking for weekly Zoom meetings specific to BPD, sponsored (but not attended) by Randi Kreger, author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" series of books at https://groups.io/g/MovingForward - look towards the bottom of that page for the list of Zoom meetings, some are general, others are specific.

If you think you are co-dependent, according to Google 90% of us are, CoDA can be helpful too (CoDA.org), it is not BPD specific.

NAMI has a group is for parents and/or partners (about 3/4 parents) of children with mental health disorders including BPD and other severe mental health issues which share a lot of the same challenges of care for a child who refuses your care, or they don't have the resources to care for them.  The group I attend is 'in person' which I find is more authentic than a Zoom meeting or posting messages.


#3 Self-help books:  These two are the best starter books:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. T. Mason MS & Randi Kreger (3rd Edition) - the 3rd edition as it has an excellent assessment tool in it.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - this one has some excellent tools in managing a pwBPD


#4 Set strong boundaries on not accepting bad behaviours, especially rages - the "Stop Caretaking" book has some excellent tools for this.  Also, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0 is a series of workshops to help you out as well.


#5 - Since he is 'self-diagnosed' strongly persuade him to go to his own individual therapy to get this addressed.  DBT is considered the 'gold standard'; however, any therapy is generally better than no therapy.  Ideally it should be IOP - Intensive OutPatient, where he does one weekly session with an individual therapist, and one group session with other BPD patients (a word of caution, if he has never been in a mental facility, he can pick up worse behaviors by comparing his behaviors to theirs).


#6  Ask questions, get strategies from myself and others who have had similar experiences to your own, figure out what works, and use that.


Take care with self-care.

SD

[Florence96]

Thank you! This is incredibly helpful. Boundary setting is the hardest and scariest.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you! This is incredibly helpful. Boundary setting is the hardest and scariest.

Florence96,

   Boundary setting is the hardest and definitely the scariest to start implementing, as you're pushing back on bad behaviors.  Just like when you take a lollipop away from an overweight toddler the first time, they are going escalate their behavior before it gets better.  When  I finally had enough of the bad behaviors of my wife, I finally pushed back, it took a few months, as she was continually testing my resolve on not accepting her bad behaviors.  Once you commit, you need to go all-in, and it will get better, if you have a lapse in your resolve it will likely get worse.  This is known as an 'extinction burst' in the context of a psychological term, Google it, or you can read up on it at www.bpdfamily.org/2010/10/partner-have-borderline-personality.html

   Take care with self-care.

SD

   However, once

[Selfishsally]

Im just responding because I need to save what saltydawg responded.
You are not alone Florence! Most, if not all of  us feel this at times and we need the reminder.
Thank you friends!

[SaltyDawg]

Im just responding because I need to save what saltydawg responded.

Hello SelfishSally,

   I am curious as to which of my tips you needed to save?  Might I suggest copy and paste an e-mail to yourself?

   If you have additional questions, please ask.  I did look at your recent posts from the past year, and I see that your husband is self-aware and is getting some good help and is making progress, it is nice to hear of other success stories, or a positive one if you don't define it as a success yet.

   I too am a parent of a 12 and 17 year old, and have about a decade on you based on your recent posts.  Let me know if you are interested in more tips, or you can look back on my posts it covers many of the topics you previously spoke of.

   Take care with self-care.

SaltyDawg

[rayndance]

but I feel burned out. How can I become more understanding and/or supportive?

What SaltyDawg said... I got the "Eggshells" on Audible. It's very compassionate and informative, but not enough for me to change the dynamic. The "Stop Caretaking" is great, because it is abrasive and pretty accurate. It was more of what I needed to hear, because it was more realistic, and was also brutal towards the "caregiver."

Yes, its Wiki, but this is a very good read on the drama triangle, and about halfway down, it switches the three roles to more productive ones. I have been working on this for about a week, and it is helping a lot.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

[Selfishsally]

Yes, all of them Saltydawg! I am in need of a mentor! Its already copied and pasted.
I just too easily refer back to my keep it to myself,dont't ask for help, survival mode.
My relationship is an improvement,i don't know about a success.
Im feeling worn out and just dont want to be doing this all alone anymore, which is why I vame back to the boards.

[SaltyDawg]

Yes, all of them Saltydawg! I am in need of a mentor! Its already copied and pasted.
I just too easily refer back to my keep it to myself,dont't ask for help, survival mode.
My relationship is an improvement,i don't know about a success.
Im feeling worn out and just dont want to be doing this all alone anymore, which is why I vame back to the boards.

Feeling worn out all of the time, I was at that point a year ago, where I too was in survival mode nearly all of the time.  It is incredibly frustrating and overwhelming to feel that way all the time, and yes, it is 'so friggin' lonely, especially, when the couple's therapist also tries to call me on the carpet for my wife's feelings - I have to keep on pushing back, over and over.  Some days the couple's therapist 'gets it,' other's she feels the need to validate my wife, then I have to spend most of the session asking probative questions to my wife, so my can admit her to her behaviors, which in turn show that her feelings are not based on the facts that she is saying about me.

I use the many resources that I listed in my previous post, I also have good insurance, and have a good individual therapist (she trains therapists) that helps me out with the counter-transference and how to pushback on a couple's therapist so your own voice is heard.  It is one thing to read about it, it is another to actually do it, and having a therapist that 'gets it' and can guide you on dealing with this dynamic has been exceptionally helpful for me - in effect, she is my mentor, albeit paid by my insurance and co-pays.

I too am in need of a 'mentor'.  However, when I got one, that I didn't pay for, a friend, I am accused of having an 'affair' as part of the 9th symptom of having temporary paranoid thoughts when they are stressed - part of my wife's unintended isolation strategy for me.  So, many of the resources, especially the Zoom meetings I listed, I have to do in 'secret', so I only do it here and there, but you will be with a group of people who 'get it', while it isn't as good as 'in person' mentoring, you can get real time feedback in the conversations after the formal meeting portion.  I go on this board in the evening, when she is asleep.

As both my wife and I volunteer, I have chosen a newish volunteer job, which required 30+ hours or training in Empathic Response or Active Listening training which I have found to be incredibly helpful - as I am learning how to interact more effectively with people many of whom have PD's and/or have been in mental institutions where most of them will feel as though they are heard by validating their feelings, while not putting much attention if any to the facts, that often do not support or coincide with those feelings.

Most on this website can serve as 'mentors'.  Even though I have not specifically used the term 'mentor' here, I can safely say, that many of the men and women who offer up regular advice here on BPD family, are my mentors - it doesn't have to be a face to face relationship.  However, it does need to be a relationship where there is active listening with empathic responses.  The added benefit, is that you get people from all walks of life, and each has their own perspective, and can contribute in a different way, in many ways, this site is better than an individual mentor as it has a great variety of perspectives.  You can pick and choose the information / advice that works best for you.

By all means, if you need to have more questions answered, ask here, I or someone else, will respond to you, as each of us are in different stages of dealing with our pwBPD and can offer up something that you might not have thought up of, or tried.

You are not alone here, we are here for you.  I will answer within a few days (or less), others will be quicker, and others may only respond once. 

Take care with self care.

[Selfishsally]

Oh yes, being able to see everyone else on here  has been really helpful. Even if I am not interacting amd just reading the forums is therapuetic in a way.
But I do think I need to find a different couple's counselor.
Thank you for your input!

[SaltyDawg]

But I do think I need to find a different couple's counselor.

Couple's counseling with a pwBPD, at best will feel like they are useless (that is why a search for them does not turn up any results).  If you employ a couple's therapist, make sure insurance is paying most of the money as this therapist will give you the least bang for the buck.  Also, you must learn to advocate strongly for yourself and present things in a way that doesn't trigger your partner and/or the therapist.  If you do this too strongly the couple's therapist may perceive you as the aggressor (abuser) especially when combined with your  partner's false narrative.  You must have a strong sense of self to do this.

I do this by calling attention to the most pressing issue of the week, and focus exclusively on that one issue (usually some form of abusive behavior).  Describe the behavior, not the symptom - most therapists don't want the DSM 5 symptom quoted to them as it is too general and they feel as though you are trying to do their job; however, when presented with the specific behavior, they can work with a specific scenario better and get that addressed.  Let me know if you want me to expand on this a bit with more examples and resources that I found helpful.

On the rare occasions that there are no issues of this nature, only then do I venture into more traditional couple's therapy topics, which are hit or miss for a pwBPD.

Take care with self-care.

SD