>Help, Wife found my research

[WifeNKids]

I’ve been researching this for a few months and I bought a couple books and she found my books. Now she’s denying that she has this. I’m not prepared to with any strategies on how to bring this up with her. From all that I’ve been reading don’t bring it up with them. Any suggestions?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  That's a tough situation but it ultimately can be a good one since it's allowing some self-discovery for your wife without you having to have a tough conversation.

For advice on what you should do, I think it's pretty clear- nothing.  Do nothing.

If your wife brings it up, then you can tell her the truth that you were doing some research.  You don't have to say, "...because I think you're crazy..." and you don't even need to say that you're doing the research because of her.  You can simply say you were doing research to learn about the disease and how to deal with it.  Leave it at that unless she brings up more.

Because here's the thing, your wife doesn't think she has a problem.  She's more likely to assume you have BPD than anything, but it could also lead towards some self-discovery.  If she took the books, then good, let her read them behind your back.  They can't hurt and maybe they could even help.  That's a good thing.

So your plan is to do nothing until a conversation happens...which might be never.  That's okay though, it's a first step and you gained some knowledge from the books.  Now it's also planed a seed that could grow into something over time.  All good stuff as long as you stay calm and play it cool.

[Rev]

I’ve been researching this for a few months and I bought a couple books and she found my books. Now she’s denying that she has this. I’m not prepared to with any strategies on how to bring this up with her. From all that I’ve been reading don’t bring it up with them. Any suggestions?

Hey - And welcome to the BPD forum.

I would add that you might want to consider doing some personal therapy / counselling to keep your head on straight while this situation works itself out.

Can I ask you a question?  To what extent does this situation now linger in the air - or put another way - exist like the elephant in the room? 

BPD or not, you were trying to understand your wife's behavior - no shame in that - and now she knows that you suspect something on the mental wellness scope.  People would take that in different ways.

As Pook says - there is real potential for things to get better with the proper clarity. A lot of that will depend on solid, supportive communication.

What do you think?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[thankful person]

I wouldn’t mention it either. A similar thing happened to me. I might explain that my wife was diagnosed bpd before we met, following a suicide attempt, however she completed some dbt which helped her get her eating disorder and self harm under control. So for the past 9 years she does not consider herself to have bpd symptoms (apparently) even though there are many. A couple of years ago I was looking at my Amazon purchase history on my phone and trying to work out when something was arriving and I was being slow so my wife grabbed the phone. On the screen, either side of the item we were looking at, were my audible purchases of Stop walking on eggshells and stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist. I was terrified but she never said anything. I think she knows how extreme her behaviour is but just won’t admit it. And I think after dbt she has a deeper understanding of bpd that the simplified version she tells which is that it caused her eating disorder and self harm and then she got better.

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with everyone here, unless the book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad as that one has some really powerful psychological tools that you don't want your pwBPD to weaponize - I know mine would, so I deliberately avoided showing her that one.

If you haven't read this one, this is the one to read, as it will make a difference for you.

Take care with self-care.

[WifeNKids]

Thank you all so much for the support! I’m just  scratching the surface of this website and your replies mean a lot. I do have counseling myself. After dragging my wife to couples counseling she ultimately believes the problems lie with me so I took the initiative to counseling for myself, and I’m learning a lot about myself as a plus in all of this. It was very clear after I started documenting all of our interactions, then reading the book on stop walking eggshells, that my wife has BPD and some characteristics of NPD. Knowing this, and getting scared after reading the first chapter so of stop walking on eggshells because they warn about a spouse threatening to divorce, I read splitting. On audible. Then purchased physical copies of the essential family, Guy borderline personality disorder, as well as borderline personality disorder, workbook. And those are the ones she found. I honestly haven’t even got past the first chapters of either of them yet but today she’s asking that we separate. Another issue for another post I guess but having to young children I still feel it essential to get through both of these, so my boys are able to, cope with her disorder when I’m not around. Anyway, thanks again for all of your advice everyone I hope to get back in contribute in anyway possible!

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you all so much for the support! I’m just  scratching the surface of this website and your replies mean a lot. I do have counseling myself. After dragging my wife to couples counseling she ultimately believes the problems lie with me so I took the initiative to counseling for myself, and I’m learning a lot about myself as a plus in all of this. It was very clear after I started documenting all of our interactions, then reading the book on stop walking eggshells, that my wife has BPD and some characteristics of NPD. Knowing this, and getting scared after reading the first chapter so of stop walking on eggshells because they warn about a spouse threatening to divorce, I read splitting. On audible. Then purchased physical copies of the essential family, Guy borderline personality disorder, as well as borderline personality disorder, workbook. And those are the ones she found. I honestly haven’t even got past the first chapters of either of them yet but today she’s asking that we separate. Another issue for another post I guess but having to young children I still feel it essential to get through both of these, so my boys are able to, cope with her disorder when I’m not around. Anyway, thanks again for all of your advice everyone I hope to get back in contribute in anyway possible!

You contribute just by having the courage to share your story. Trust me that is already a big deal. Do not place any pressure upon yourself. We are all here to help you and guide you. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want to.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-