Hi NotTheSaint and a warm
It's interesting reading that you knew, at some level, about 6 months into the relationship that it needed to end. And it makes sense that you stayed 2 more years -- lots of members here have stayed in similar situations for many reasons. What was it at the 6 month mark that kind of tipped you towards the "this needs to end" side?
I am posting because I need support keeping my boundaries and maintaining a no contact contract with myself. I have to get my things from her this next weekend and I told her I would message Thursday night to arrange, but that I didn’t want to talk anymore otherwise. This was 4 days ago. She called me 10 times the first 2 days. Then gave me My space, but then another 10 times today. She uses a VPN to call so I can’t block
Her number. She’s done this every time I ask for space. “But at least I didn’t call you 96 times in a row like I used to”. I can hear in my head what I know she would say. And yes, on MANY occasions she’s has called 50-100 times in a day. The most 146 calls in one day. During my work hours begging her to stop.
Anyway. I haven’t answered her. I almost did today. Because it’s new years and I want to talk to her. I don’t think she’s a monster. I have before. When I started researching things and figured she had to be a narcissist. But she had empathy. I saw her with friends and she is kind, interesting, stable. Everywhere but with me and her mother. Everything lines up with BPD and she agrees. She figured it out and found DBT and counseling after the last time she obliterated me and threw me and my daughter out of the house locking the doors without even out things. I told her I would never forgive her and never speak to her again.
That makes sense. Sounds like rationally you're at one place in your journey, but emotionally you aren't there yet?
And it's wise of you to realize that not being in contact isn't something you can "force" her to do, but it's something that you as an individual are committed to and in control of.
Something worked when you wanted to answer her yesterday, but didn't -- what was that, that helped you be successful?
I’m really dreading going back home. We don’t live together full time because that was a non negotiable for me. But we lived together most days. But I started asking her to leave each time she split me, screamed or belittled me or my daughter. (Usually belittled her to me and not to my daughter’s face) but kids are intuitive. She DOESNT deserve anyone in her life who can’t see her in the gray. Never black or white. She is 7 years old. I’m dreading seeing her ghosts everywhere and being back in our places. I’m worried about the nights alone and the lack of sleep. I’ve had so many nightmares and panic attacks. Things I have NEVER experienced. I didn’t even understand what a panic attack was. But since this relationship I have had several, and they are terrifying.
Would it be just you and your D7 at home -- any other family members? And is your D7 in school, does she spend time with other family members? Just getting a picture of what's on you plate, parenting-wise.
Panic attacks are no joke. I'm curious if you've tried any counseling or therapy yet? It's hard parenting kids that age when you have your own stuff to work on, on top of that. Maybe a T could help you find a way to manage/cope with the panic so that you can be present for your D7 and not feel so overwhelmed with having so much on your plate
Thank you for reading. Thank you for all who post and share their experiences. Others can love you and be there, but no one can understand it unless you’ve been in it.
BPD relationships aren't normal-range relationships, so I'm with you, it means a lot to have this space to share with others who've walked in those shoes.
Looking forward to learning more about your situation;
kells76
