My past year :(

[Godwinson]

’m writing this as quite simply after reading some of the articles on the site and some of the posts in the forum, it seems like others have experienced what I’ve been going through the past year. I’m not sure if my ex has BPD, but it certainly seems she has some of the traits I’ve been reading and possibly other psychological issues.

I met my ex-girlfriend through work just over a year ago and was immediately attracted to her - I thought she was beautiful and there seemed to be something clicking. After a few months, I summoned the courage to ask her for a coffee and was gobsmacked when she agreed. We didn’t go on a date for about two weeks after this, but what followed over the next two months was the most intoxicated I’ve ever felt by someone’s flattery and attention. Within days of asking her for coffee she was sending me songs she’d recorded for me and although I thought the intensity of it all was unusual, I responded favourably to her attention and couldn’t believe this stunning woman was so attracted to me. Within a couple of weeks I was having the most intense physical relationship with her. She told me I was the most amazing lover she’d ever had, the best kisser she’d ever experienced and how everyone before me paled into insignificance. Quite simply, I was put on a pedestal and thought that I was experiencing love properly for the first time. She told me that she’d finally met her soul mate and that it was something preordained, that the universe wanted it to happen. She said she’d conversed with my dead mother and she’d told her how happy she was that we’d finally met. She showered me with gifts on our first date and told me that she and her family would be looking after me now and they had my back. I was so overwhelmed by this and got quite upset, but with relief and joy. She talked about getting married and even broached having a child! She suggested I sell my house and move in with her. This two months, which I now believe to have been the idealisation stage is what has completely screwed me up for the past year. She’s still married to her husband, although they split ten years ago. She began to divulge that he was physically and emotionally abusive to her, even attempting to rape her. She also disclosed that she was a victim of rape in the late 90’s and had also experienced abuse as a child, being forced to watch her mother have sex with partners. I began to feel much resentment towards her husband, particularly as I was so in love with her and felt a need to protect and care for someone like nothing else I’d ever experienced. I couldn’t understand how someone could have been so unpleasant towards such a wonderful woman. I finally met him for the first time on New Year 2022. I was shocked at how normal their relationship was, how friendly they were and how he just wandered into the house as it it were his. I couldn’t marry this with what she’d disclosed about him. I had an emotional meltdown and simply shut down for the day, trying to process and understand what was happening. In bed that night, she asked me if we were going to be OK and I simply said ‘I don’t know’.

That was the beginning of the end. After I uttered those words, she had what I now believe to be the most disproportionate response and was sobbing and crying for hours. She kept saying that she couldn’t do this again and let herself go like she had with me. The next six months were awful. She started off the same, we had amazing sex and she continued to tell me that I was the most perfect man she’d ever met, but then suddenly she’d emotionally withdraw and went from someone that literally bombarded me with calls and texts to almost nothing. We’d previously spend every night chatting for three/four hours. Now I couldn’t get hold of her without difficulty. What followed was a process where I couldn’t take this sudden lack of attention anymore after being idolised. I tried to talk to her but it was no use, she simply retreated, emotionally. We broke up in January, February, March, but she’d come back every time and shower me with attention for a couple of weeks and then withdraw every time. It was a complete rollercoaster and I kept telling her how much damage it was doing to me, but she just didn’t seem to understand. Then in June last year she suddenly disconnected completely and wouldn’t respond to me. I was utterly heartbroken and ended up having five weeks off work after finding myself contemplating suicide one Saturday evening, unable to cope with the loss. I’ve always prided myself on being a strong individual but suddenly myself unable to cope with life, but I was utterly devastated.

To my surprise, she suddenly got in touch one evening in late July and asked how I was. I told her what had happened and how bad I’d been, but she seemed strangely disconnected and uncaring about my situation apart from telling me that she’d been prompted to get in contact with me after a discussion with her sister about me being her soulmate. We had quite a lot of contact the next few weeks, but it seemed very one sided. She had very little interest in me and if I’m honest, I think she’d just wanted some TLC and attention from as she was starting a new singing role and it felt like she wanted my support. After a few weeks of gigs, she disconnected again. I sent her a long text and told her that quite simply I just couldn’t go through this emotional see-saw again and that I had to disengage from her. It was a message sent with love and I told her how much I cared about her but her behaviour was very damaging to my emotional wellbeing. I never heard from her again.

As a rather large aside, I’d also been going through a process of moving house to her town, a process initiated earlier in the year when I thought that being near her would help stop her disengaging from me. I sent a few messages over the past few months, just general stuff asking how life was going and hoped she was ok. She didn’t respond to anything and then realised in November that she’d blocked me on her phone. I remember her telling me how she’d always done this to her ex’s and that I was ‘lucky’ she hadn’t done it to me, but because I was the most ‘perfect’ man she’d ever met, she hadn’t followed this pattern until now.

I think the penny finally dropped over the festive period after reading this article in particular -

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

that I’ve been completely duped. The love I thought I was experiencing in that first two months wasn’t real. I think it’s likely she has BPD and other psychological issues, but it’s left me broken. I think the only solace I have now is that when all my thoughts centre on her I just simply tell myself it wasn’t real. It was a lie. II can’t be upset about something that wasn’t real. t’s really hard though, as I have so many unanswered questions and no closure to anything. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, thrown around and trampled on. I’ve quite simply never experienced such pain from a break up, particularly as it was so short in duration, but that two months at the end of 2022 was so heady, so visceral and made me feel like the most amazing person in the world. I think I keep hankering after that feeling.

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks so much for sharing your story.  It's heartbreaking to read...even though most of us experienced the exact same thing in our relationships with a BPD individual.  For me, it was 24 years of marriage that ended the exact same way out of nowhere. 

I was talking to my wife yesterday (we've been separated for 17 months, divorcing next month) and it was pleasant; we're somewhat friends once again and talk regularly.  But we somehow ended up on our past relationship and she said that I didn't show any affection or love...I just bought her stuff, did things for her, took her places, etc...but that's not love.  When I mentioned that I stopped being vulnerable because she hadn't showed me an ounce of affection in over five years, it was like I stabbed her or something.  That's just not her reality and she can't see anything other than being the victim.

In other words, this can't be her fault (in her mind) because that would mean she self-sabotaged everything.

In both our situations, everything that happened was very real to the person with BPD.  They are super loving until they feel like they could be abandoned or rejected, then they just start shutting feelings off and looking for that in other areas of their life.  They're so afraid of abandonment that they do everything they're afraid of to their partner, parent, whatever as a defense mechanism.  It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy and it's heartbreaking for everyone involved.

Moving forward means accepting that you didn't do anything to warrant what happened.  You mentioned rape and abuse in her past; that is a common theme and likely has some truth but also similar to your situation.  Her ex husband is probably a decent enough guy that has an eerily similar story to yours. 

My point here is that it's a pattern that the person with BPD can't see.  My wife currently lives with our daughter & her husband/grandchild, and my daughter recently complained that my wife only comes home to sleep...she's on the run the rest of the time.  That's how my marriage fell apart as well when my wife became so distant, she's repeating the same destructive patterns without even realizing it.  My daughter is close to throwing her out at this point because she feels used.

It wasn't my fault, or my daughter's fault, or my wife's exes from decades ago before we married.  The problem is BPD and how those relationships are taken for granted.  While we say that we are discarded, the BPD says that they weren't being loved and left out of self preservation because there was no other option.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hopefully you can realize that this is just a short phase of your life that you will heal and move on from.

[Godwinson]

Thank you, Pook. It’s really quite touching to have a complete stranger provide insight and support. I think you’re right and I have been made to feel guilty ever since NYE ‘22. It was discussed incessantly ever after. Again, thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Pook075]

Thank you, Pook. It’s really quite touching to have a complete stranger provide insight and support. I think you’re right and I have been made to feel guilty ever since NYE ‘22. It was discussed incessantly ever after. Again, thank you for sharing your experiences.

Absolutely, that's what everyone is here for and we've all been where you are right now.  It's horrible and it hurts deeply because it just doesn't make any sense.  What I shared above was merely to give you the opposing viewpoint that we can never figure out- what the heck happened?  The simple truth is that they saw a potential problem, self-sabotaged everything, and then claimed they were victims.

With my wife, I told her the other day that all we ever had to do was sit down and actually talk through things.  That's the whole problem and where everything bad comes from with BPD- all the "talking" happens within their heads as they convince themselves of stuff that just isn't there....that there's no hope to turn things around.  They wouldn't dare open up and be vulnerable because the fear of rejection is simply too great; they can't even imagine doing that.

It's a very sad condition and most BPDs feel alone the majority of their life since they can't build meaningful relationships.  Once they get into something really good, they find a way to blow it up while blaming everyone else.  I feel sorry for my wife now and my anger/hurt is gone, but hers is still there and probably always will be.

For now, your primary goal should be to focus on your mental health, because you've absolutely been through trauma and you're not okay.  But that's okay, realization is step one in any recovery program...realizing that we need a little help.  No shame in that at all.  Take time to go through the grieving process and ask away with questions here. 

If you do decide to try reconciling, I'd advise you to give it some time and really study up through the sticky threads along the top of the page.  Also, "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" is a great starting place for understanding BPD relationships and how to manage them.  And again, just let us know what we can do to help, I'm sure others will chime in shortly as well.

[Godwinson]

Thank you. Finding this community has been quite a lightbulb moment for me and reading your comments above resonate strongly. I had little to no knowledge of BDP until I came here. I thought she had ‘issues’, but this is so helpful in trying to make sense of what I’ve experienced the past year.

My main goal now is myself, obviously and I think this community is helping in giving me some clarity and focus as to what I have been dealing with.

The hardest part for me now is letting go. I struggle to avoid thinking about her and those constant questions of what if? I know it’s a futile process, but the heart beats strongly and loudly for her at times, or perhaps for the person she was for two months of my life and how she made me feel. It’s crazy - two months but it had such a seismic impact on me. 2023 was essentially spent trying to rekindle and bring that back and although it came back in spurts, it was gone really.

[Pook075]

Thank you. Finding this community has been quite a lightbulb moment for me and reading your comments above resonate strongly. I had little to no knowledge of BDP until I came here. I thought she had ‘issues’, but this is so helpful in trying to make sense of what I’ve experienced the past year.

My main goal now is myself, obviously and I think this community is helping in giving me some clarity and focus as to what I have been dealing with.

The hardest part for me now is letting go. I struggle to avoid thinking about her and those constant questions of what if? I know it’s a futile process, but the heart beats strongly and loudly for her at times, or perhaps for the person she was for two months of my life and how she made me feel. It’s crazy - two months but it had such a seismic impact on me. 2023 was essentially spent trying to rekindle and bring that back and although it came back in spurts, it was gone really.

I completely understand and relate.  My wife left in August 2022 and I'm still not 100% over it.  The "what if" game is especially damaging because it implies that we somehow have some control over the situation, like we can will disordered thinking to go away and somehow just get us back to the good times.  But we can't.

One thing that helped me was realizing that my relationship was bad for a very long time and I simply couldn't see it because I was so committed to the marriage.  There were so many concessions I made to stay in a relationship with my wife and many of them went against who I am as a person.  For example, she rarely cleaned up after herself and she was always on the run...there were years when I felt like a single guy with a roommate.  I was so close to it though that I couldn't see the codependence and how heavily it weighed on me.  I ignored every possible red flag as well.

This gets better with time and it's something you just have to work through...the whole range of emotions.  Time does heal though and your perspective on the relationship will change.  For me, it was realizing that my wife is sick and she never hurt me intentionally...that's just who she is and she can't even see it.  She has no idea that she was a terrible wife because in her mind, she has to be the victim.

Just keep asking questions here and working through it- a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea either.  Try to get back to doing things you enjoyed before the relationship as well; hobbies, fitness, time with friends and family, etc.  Eventually you'll start feeling like you again and be able to move on.  Even if you do reconcile though, this process is essential for you to know what you're dealing with and how to avoid the worst of it in the future.

[once removed]

I think the penny finally dropped over the festive period after reading this article in particular -

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

that I’ve been completely duped. The love I thought I was experiencing in that first two months wasn’t real. I think it’s likely she has BPD and other psychological issues, but it’s left me broken. I think the only solace I have now is that when all my thoughts centre on her I just simply tell myself it wasn’t real. It was a lie. II can’t be upset about something that wasn’t real. t’s really hard though, as I have so many unanswered questions and no closure to anything.

i felt the same way, when i first read it. its important to understand the context of that article. it is a 30000 ft above clinical profiling of what it is like to be in a relationship with someone with bpd. it is also the most complained about/critiqued on the site.

its language is a little bit loaded  the author declined to change it. it still has its use.

but i would suggest that if you look at your loss and recovery as "being duped" that would have certain implications: you were conned, used, fooled, tricked, it was all fake, and youre a sucker. ouch. does that really align with your experience?

if not, then i would encourage you not to cope with this narrative. it was very clearly a significant loss, as it was for all of us. there is no way around that. there is support. there are real answers to your questions. and you really can heal from this, and come out even stronger.