Navigating Unfamiliar Territory with my Complicated Mother-Daughter Dynamic

[Eva123]

My mother has undiagnosed BPD and I’ve only discovered this diagnosis a little over a year ago with help from my therapist in weekly sessions. My father ( who is newly divorced from my mother), as well as my sister, both would agree she has unresolved trauma from childhood and that she is often verbally abusive and manipulative. I was the first one to leave the house (even before the divorce) to go to college in a different state. Now, I recently graduated and am engaged to be married. I now still live in the same state I graduated from with my fiancé and I am feeling lots of anxiety/depression and now guilt about not “going home” to my mother. Since we live a considerable distance away, I would call my mom regularly (more than once a week) and check in on her to see how things are going. She would always beg me to move back in with her and even offered that my fiancé and I live with her after I graduate. She wants me to be under the same roof as her so she can control me again. Over the phone, she often insults me saying untrue things like, “you don’t work hard”, “you don’t even have a job”, “you never call me unless it’s for money”,etc (mind you, I haven’t asked her for money since I was maybe 18 and a broke college student). From her sister, I would get PLEASE READty texts like “why don’t you reach out to your mother?”, “where are you? What are you doing? Your mom hasn’t heard from you”…meanwhile, I would call her more than once a week and she would never call me!! There’s no logic to people with BPD but it all felt so calculated and frankly quite the mind-PLEASE READ.

I’m 22 and I’ve always been independent and mature for my age so when things felt like they were getting too toxic, I decided to block her for a few weeks. I texted her to let her know that I am going to block her for a few weeks for my mental well-being  but that it is temporary and I still love her. Now a few weeks have gone by and I decided to unblock her. I was in town near where I grew up and wanted to stop by to say hello. I called her and got no response. Now, she is dodging my calls and not responding to my texts. Does anyone know what might be happening? She is pulling even further way from me after I pulled away from her. I feel very uneasy because it’s almost been a month since we’ve last spoke. However, my logical heart knows that I am more peaceful when I don’t speak to her because I’m not verbally abused or emotionally manipulated. My sister has also pulled away from speaking to me. And we were really really close. What is happening and why am I the one suffering from this isolation? Meanwhile, my aunt (her sister) is telling me that I’ve been a bad daughter and have blocked her out of my life. Maybe i am being punished for being the first one in the family to actually execute healthy boundaries with my mother and attempt to have a relationship with her on my terms.  Thanks in advance.

[anon331312]

A good parent would give you space to grow and be considerate of your needs. But with BPD, your mom show signs of extreme self-centeredness. Her relationship to you appears to be revolving around your obligations to her and what you can offer her.

Additionally, BPD is associated with extreme fear of abandonment and splitting. The fact that you blocked her triggered her worst fears about you and that you must hate her guts and thinks she is terrible (which she likely is). To cope with that, she will have to villify and one-up you.

I would say, this could be blessing in disguise. Unless you really really want to be with your mom, having her out of your life would save you and your partner trouble down the road.

A few more remarks:
1. Your aunt is an enabler. My aunt was one too. She would criticize me for not showing enough love for my sister with BPD. Then after she got some doses of abuse from the sister, she's on the same page as me now. However, for you, I am not sure if she will but don't let her criticism cloud your judgment.
2. BPD is not always triggered by childhood abuse or trauma even though textbooks often attribute those as root causes. To complicate things, pwBPD often focus on negative experiences and magnify them to make it as if the world's against them.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this group- I think you will learn a lot here and feel supported. Congratulations on your engagement.

Reading your post reminds me of myself at your age (reference- I am middle age, BPD mother is elderly). Money is one way BPD mother controls people. College was my path to financial independence from my parents as it meant having space from BPD mother's control.

BPD mother sees me as someone to meet her needs but our task as parents is to raise our kids to be self sufficient adults and have their own lives. Of course we want our kids to still be a part of our lives as too, but we have to acknowlege that they are adults, we don't control them.

PwBPD have difficulty with their own uncomfortable emotions. It wasn't easy for me to see my kids "leave the nest"- of course I missed them being at home. But this is exactly what I raised them to do- and if I missed them, it's not their responsibility to come back and make me feel better. On the other hand, there's also a happiness to see them achieve this- so it's a mix of feelings. But their purpose isn't to manage my feelings.

Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand the roles in our family.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle



BPD mother is in victim position. Our roles were to do things to make her feel better (rescuer) and if we didn't do that or did something that she was upset about, we were the persecutor.

My BPD mother does the "silent treatment" too- stop speaking to people if she's angry at them but then also decides to speak to them after a while. There's a push-pull pattern to relationships with someone with BPD. Also the rallying family members to "her side"- this is triangulation. My mother has done this too and it's difficult.

I hope through this board and with counseling ( yes, I recommend it to help you to navigate this kind of relationship) you will come to a place where you can be less emotionally reactive to your mother, have some kind of relationship of your choosing (I don't think you want to have no contact with her at this time but you can also choose that if you felt it was needed) and have boundaries so you can have your own independence.

Of course my home is open to my kids but they want their own places to live and I want that for them too. You are not doing anything wrong by wanting your own home with your fiance. You are doing exactly what parents hope grown children will do.