Feeling aggression

[15years]

Hi!

Feelings of aggression is affecting all parts of my life right now. I have a very short fuse and it gets very intense and uncomfortable quickly. I think it's due to stress from the relationship with my wife, partly lack of sleep, combined with normal family life stress. In between the peaks of anger I feel lighthearted as well, I don't feel bitter or moody.

The worst part is I feel like I will go mad when the kids are not co-operating (which might be more than usual right now) and I don't feel like I have anywhere to go with my emotions. I'm trying to tell myself I will feel better in 30 minutes but it's all too much for me.

I find myself fantasizing about explosions of anger in all sorts of situations, it's scary, both verbal and violent fantasies. Mostly in stressful situation, not "unprovoked" if that makes sense (not meaning my anger is justified, just provoked because I'm stressed).

That being said, I also experience situations where I can be more assertive due to my aggression So I don't want to lose my aggression, I just want to not feel rage.

With my wife, I think I feel less aggression now. Not because our rs is getting better, it's getting worse, but that's for another post.

Any suggestion on how to manage my emotions better? I really should try to sleep more for starters. Anything else?

[kells76]

Hi 15 years, good to hear an update from you.

Yes, I think you're right that managing your sleep will be key. I have insomnia now and then, and I've noticed that my anxiety and dark thoughts go up when I don't sleep well. Sounds like for you, you notice a connection between sleep and managing anger.

What options do you have for improving sleep right now? Options could include location (different room, couch, different bed, hotel, friend's house, etc), quality (darker room, eye mask, ear plugs, white noise machine/app), medicinal (herbal or pharmaceutical sleep supplements), etc. What seems do-able? I have tried herbal sleep supplements and some have been very helpful and not very expensive.

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In terms of the anger itself, it is telling you something, and probably something beyond just the specific situation (i.e., noticing general anger coming up can be more than just "well she did XYZ so that's why I'm angry"). Could your body and mind be letting you know that something needs to change, and so you are noticing a huge increase in energy/power that your body may want you to use to change things? Might be, or that might be off target -- you might have a better sense of what your body is trying to tell you via increasing anger.

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In terms of your anger/frustration about the kids, I wonder if your area has a "hotline" for parents. Our US state does -- if you google search "[your area] parenting hotline" there may be a free number to call/text where you can get in-the-moment support for the situation. That may help you feel less alone and overwhelmed -- I supsect you aren't getting the support/teamwork with your W that would be typical for parents.

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I understand that fundamentally those aren't the core issues, but it's an approach worth considering -- chip away at the peripheral issues so that there's less on your plate, then work inwards towards the core issue. First regulate yourself (sleep, and parenting support), then you'll have more fuel in the tank for digging in to broader emotional management.

What do you think about starting there -- tackle one aspect of sleep improvement, and do one google search for a parenting hotline?

[15years]

Hi kells!

First, you're right about that the anger might be letting me know that something needs to change. That is such a complex situation and the anger might be a key factor there.


In the meantime, I'll start by focusing on improving my sleep routine...

I have little trouble falling asleep, but I'm not good at transitioning between activities and my wife has the same problem... procrastination?... Getting ready for bed is one such thing. It's hard to get a lasting routine but I'm now trying to focus on getting the kids ready for bed on time, that way there is enough time for us to relax before our bedtime.

Well this is most nights. The few nights a month when my wife simply disturbs my sleep is harder to change, and maybe not where my focus is needed the most. 

I understand that fundamentally those aren't the core issues, but it's an approach worth considering -- chip away at the peripheral issues so that there's less on your plate, then work inwards towards the core issue. First regulate yourself (sleep, and parenting support), then you'll have more fuel in the tank for digging in to broader emotional management.

Exactly!

What do you think about starting there -- tackle one aspect of sleep improvement, and do one google search for a parenting hotline?

I'll try with the sleep improvement, and later if I feel that it isn't helping I'll contact someone, maybe not a hotline but something similar I have in mind.

Thanks kells, good to hear from you too.