Getting over it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Greetings,

I was in a relationship for almost a year. It had been “strange” from the start, and became stranger as time passed. To make a long story short, and after beating myself up for “whatever,”we tried couples therapy- which helped a tiny bit. Then I decided to enter therapy myself (I’ve been in therapy before)and after being informed that my SO most likely has BPD, it became clear to me after a month that I had to end the relationship. I tried everything in my power to keep the peace and make things “sane.”

No matter what, there always seemed to be words or actions that would create an unpleasant environment. I don’t want to bad talk anyone- and just want to be at peace. It’s been 2 months since I went (no contact)-the end was relatively peaceful. I miss them immensely, at times they could be loving, comforting, extremely funny. Out of nowhere would come the splitting (I recently found out what this means) and there was no sanity. My ex is charismatic, has a lot of friends. I blame myself for some of the conflict. I hadn’t raised my voice or used any derogatory names- I would just want to stop talking or simply leave or try to leave when it seemed they were not happy w me.

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

Thx
      
J

[JJR70]

Greetings,

I was in a relationship for almost a year. It had been “strange” from the start, and became stranger as time passed. To make a long story short, and after beating myself up for “whatever,”we tried couples therapy- which helped a tiny bit. Then I decided to enter therapy myself (I’ve been in therapy before)and after being informed that my SO most likely has BPD, it became clear to me after a month that I had to end the relationship. I tried everything in my power to keep the peace and make things “sane.”

No matter what, there always seemed to be words or actions that would create an unpleasant environment. I don’t want to bad talk anyone- and just want to be at peace. It’s been 2 months since I went (no contact)-the end was relatively peaceful. I miss them immensely, at times they could be loving, comforting, extremely funny. Out of nowhere would come the splitting (I recently found out what this means) and there was no sanity. My ex is charismatic, has a lot of friends. I blame myself for some of the conflict. I hadn’t raised my voice or used any derogatory names- I would just want to stop talking or simply leave or try to leave when it seemed they were not happy w me.

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

Thx
      
J

[SinisterComplex]

Greetings,

I was in a relationship for almost a year. It had been “strange” from the start, and became stranger as time passed. To make a long story short, and after beating myself up for “whatever,”we tried couples therapy- which helped a tiny bit. Then I decided to enter therapy myself (I’ve been in therapy before)and after being informed that my SO most likely has BPD, it became clear to me after a month that I had to end the relationship. I tried everything in my power to keep the peace and make things “sane.”

No matter what, there always seemed to be words or actions that would create an unpleasant environment. I don’t want to bad talk anyone- and just want to be at peace. It’s been 2 months since I went (no contact)-the end was relatively peaceful. I miss them immensely, at times they could be loving, comforting, extremely funny. Out of nowhere would come the splitting (I recently found out what this means) and there was no sanity. My ex is charismatic, has a lot of friends. I blame myself for some of the conflict. I hadn’t raised my voice or used any derogatory names- I would just want to stop talking or simply leave or try to leave when it seemed they were not happy w me.

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

Thx
      
J

Welcome to the fam my friend. 

I can certainly get the feeling to want to feel better and sane for sure. I think most of us here can relate to that.

A couple things I want to touch on though...closure will come but it may take you some time. Closure is for you not something given to you by the other party always keep that in mind. Usually closure will come when you are truly ready to let go of the situation. So have the perspective that it is for you and it is whatever you want to make it. Easier said than done I know, but that is the best place to start.

Try not to put it in your head that you have a disorder. It is very easy to think that and believe that when we get hurt or when we deal with a truly disordered person. Crazy-making behavior makes other people crazy. However, I would listen to your therapist here. I suspect you do not have a disorder, but rather you are just truly hurt and wounded and need to go through the grief of everything.

With that said...please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Skip]

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

There is a lot to unpack in this sentence.  

Closure Leaving someone you love is very hard. In these cases, there is a deep emotional attachment with two heads - the "incredible loving" head and the "insensitive, angry, lost in my internal crisis" head. It's hard to reconcile the loss of what could have been - and you may never. Understanding and acceptance is a good place to seek. Keep talking about it. Keep working with your therapist. Give it time.

Fault Do most relationships succeed if the parties act appropriately? No. The vast majority of relationships fail. Period. They fail because of timing, growth, digression, impulsiveness, success, failure, smell, ugly car... Relationship are immensely fragile and winning at love is like winning a championship in football. Everything has to be aligned perfectly. Her fault? Your fault? It's not really something that needs to be determined. It's more important to recognize that the two of you couldn't work out - even after therapy. Things didn't line up.

Sure, we should learn from our failures and change. Fault is not part of that.

Emotional disorder Close to 30% of the population is dealing with something. She certainly had issues. Many of us do too. We often lose sight of the fact that "emotional conditions" are labeled so that they can be treated and in many cases resolved. They were not labeled to establish brokenness or inferiority. Maybe you do have an insecure attachment style. You also might be nearsighted. Both of these things are good to know and there are things you can do to correct them (e.g. eye glasses).

I hope this helps - can you tell us a bit more about your story?

[JJR70]

Thx Skip,
 I appreciate the feedback.
 Yes, maybe the word “fault” isn’t the best way to articulate my thoughts. I don’t like talking “about” people, especially in a negative way. It’s even difficult for me when in a therapy session, because the first thing I said to my therapist was “I’m not here to talk about other people” talking about others hasn’t ever made my life enriched or peaceful/ it’s just pointing fingers, blaming someone else for my condition. I gave a brief description of my circumstance to paint a picture of my situation.
 I often wonder why I didn’t leave the relationship earlier, or why my ex didn’t leave since I was apparently the problem.Yes, relationships are complex, and many end. This particular relationship had an unfamiliar element to it that I was unfamiliar with. So, the couples therapy did uncover some of this element, and it kinda felt like it was too late.
 My own therapy had me holding myself responsible and I was unsure what I was doing wrong to cause conflict in the relationship. I know I’m not perfect or close to it. The “strangeness-conflict” is something I could not successfully resolve or navigate.

[JJR70]

Skip,
 Me?
 I’ve been living a pretty healthy life, I’m more or less happy go lucky, and I’m constantly working on myself. I’ve been sober and in recovery most of my adult life- 26 yrs+
I’ve had relationships in the past, and even though they may not have lasted forever, I value each one, and haven’t had any “messed up endings” or anything. I went back to school in my early 30’s to finish a degree I had started in my 20’s. And completed a BA, went 1/2 way through grad school, never completed it though:(
I’m more an introvert and value friendship immensely.
 I am health conscious and after quitting smoking I began running and working out- 25yrs+
 I’m not saying I’m not without fault. I suffer from anger, jealousy, envy, sloth, and try to keep tabs on all this stuff so it’s not detrimental to my well being.
 I own a small buisness (father retired and I assumed ownership) have been doing the same type of work for 21 yrs.
J

[JJR70]

Thx Skip,
 I appreciate the feedback.
 Yes, maybe the word “fault” isn’t the best way to articulate my thoughts. It does make me wonder if the relationship could have worked minus the conflicts. I don’t like talking “about” people, especially in a negative way. It’s even difficult for me when in a therapy session, because the first thing I said to my therapist was “I’m not here to talk about other people” talking about others hasn’t ever made my life enriched or peaceful/ it’s just pointing fingers, blaming someone else for my condition. I gave a brief description of my circumstance to paint a picture of my situation.
 I often wonder why I didn’t leave the relationship earlier, or why my ex didn’t leave since I was apparently the problem.Yes, relationships are complex, and many end. This particular relationship had an unfamiliar element to it that I was unfamiliar with. So, the couples therapy did uncover some of this element, and it kinda felt like it was too late.
 My own therapy had me holding myself responsible and I was unsure what I was doing wrong to cause conflict in the relationship. I know I’m not perfect or close to it. The “strangeness-conflict” is something I could not successfully resolve or navigate.

[Skip]

This particular relationship had an unfamiliar element to it that I was unfamiliar with. So, the couples therapy did uncover some of this element...

What was the element?

[JJR70]

Well, at first it was complaints I didn’t text enough- even before our 1st date, then after our 1st date I didn’t text early enough in the morning, often enough.  then after I started texting more and more they kinda pushed me back, and wanted to do things without me, which is fine- it’s kinda how I wanted to do things to begin with- the text me text me call me see me all the time to a sudden “why are you up my ass” thing confused me.

[JJR70]

The couples therapist said nothing about BPD- just about abandonment issue w my ex.

[JJR70]

Skip,
 Thx for the feedback about relationships. I had discussed this issue w my ex, after the first few months that maybe we are not a good match, and that possibly we have different values and that what I see as a solid relationship and they see as a solid relationship may be two different things. We decided to continue despite this, and try to make it work. At times it was wonderful, then for some reason we could not even have an open flowing, playful conversation without some type of “issue” arising. I wish things could have been different.

[SinisterComplex]

Skip,
 Thx for the feedback about relationships. I had discussed this issue w my ex, after the first few months that maybe we are not a good match, and that possibly we have different values and that what I see as a solid relationship and they see as a solid relationship may be two different things. We decided to continue despite this, and try to make it work. At times it was wonderful, then for some reason we could not even have an open flowing, playful conversation without some type of “issue” arising. I wish things could have been different.

So you went for it and it didn't work out. That doesn't mean you failed though. Sometimes things are just not meant to be and that is okay. Hey there is plenty myself I wish could have gone different, but they didn't so you play the cards you are dealt and you move on and open yourself up to new experiences.

Plenty of things in life you will not be compatible with and you had to go through the process to find that out. So look at it as a positive and not a negative. Am I making sense for you? Trust me I know this all sounds good and it is much easier said than done, but once you can get to that point mentally and emotionally you will be much better off.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[JJR70]

Well, I’m kinda seeing this as just regular ole relationship advice. Which is ok. I know all about that stuff. The real way I feel is that I only ever heard of BPD 9 months into the relationship. Even during couples therapy it wasn’t mentioned. The last month I tried a few different things- and still did not mention to my ex that they may be afflicted w this, and it’s affecting our relationship. My therapist said “of course it didn’t work out, how could it.” So I’m not sure if the relationship would have worked regardless if BPD was active in either of us, I have to think it’s pretty much impossible for it to work in any relationship where there is a high level of BPD symptoms- without one or both of the people in the relationship becoming spiritually, emotionally and physically sick, and who can handle that without suffering severe consequences?