HELP I think my daughter is splitting from me(her main support system for years)

[garden_sky]

I am looking for people who can resonate with my story as I am struggling with my situation with my 21-year-old daughter living at home. She has been diagnosed with BPD, major depressive disorder, and has recently been struggling with suicidal ideations (especially via intrusive thoughts that also involve how it will done).

She has voiced that she has been feeling very unwell for the past two months. Sharing that she has been delusional, worsening memory, further decline in sleep (very little/none at all), muddled thoughts, etc...   That being said, & based on past experiences supporting her during her first bout of psychosis two years ago, this leads me to be very concerned that she is on the verge of relapsing into BPD psychosis.

Recently, she announced to me that she wants to make major changes in her life starting with moving out to go live with one of her high school teachers and their family (who have young kids). This comes after reconnecting with this teacher and she worries for her well-being. It is not hard to see that my daughter is deeply unwell through her appearances which is why the teacher is concerned for her. I believe my daughter has been victimizing herself in turn demonizing me and her dad in talks with this teacher. My daughter said she has shared all of her mental health struggles, and her whole life story with this teacher. This person has claimed that they will set up intensive therapy for her (which I am all for if this turns out to be true). This is all occurring as she is very unwell right now, I am very concerned as I have been told by professionals that major life changes can trigger and frighten people with BPD. I believe that moving out and living with these people has the potential to be good for her but I fear it will all be too much all at once and she will fall into a BPD psychosis. In addition, I fear for this family and their young children who may be exposed to her BPD symptoms.

In my perfect world, I would prefer that she be admitted into a community residential treatment facility where she can get help from professionals, be monitored, and have a structured environment where she could have a purpose through contribution.

The teacher and her family seem like good people but from what my daughter has told my older daughter, they are trying to save her from "her evil parents" whom my daughter has blamed for all of her life issues. My daughter and I built up a strong relationship (in her own words) up until recently but as she has reconnected with this teacher she has become distant and cold with me (what I believe to be BPD splitting).

This situation is shocking, very upsetting, and has put me in an emotional headspin. I am struggling to understand how she could discard me so quickly, after being by her side supporting her for the past two and a half years.  This not only means discarding me, it means discarding the whole family (immediate and extended). My daughter has shared with her sister they have even offered to adopt her. She has told me several times in the past how grateful she is for me being there for her during her struggles. I do not know how to comprehend this situation and the big decisions that she is making. I feel that I am grieving the loss of my daughter already even though she is living at home with plans to move out in two months.

Has anyone else experienced their child splitting from them? I do not know how to relate to her anymore. In addition, I don't know how to act when she is around now while she is still at home preparing to leave. She talks with the teacher regularly and tells her everything. She has voiced that she wants me in her life after she leaves but her behaviour is communicating otherwise. Now I am struggling to determine what role I play in her life, if any. [/font][/font]

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi garden-sky

I went  through something very similiar to what you are currently going through with my own udd when she was a teenager. Udd was so desperate to move out that she stayed over at many of her school friends houses, meanwhile I had the police out looking for her. Never once did any of these school friends parents contact me to say that udd was staying there. Even a good friend of mine at the time took her in for a while and even gave her ground rules for living there which I only discovered months later! It totally suprised me that I was never contacted but then again udd was so believable in her lies about me that they all probably thought that they would be sending her home to a monster who did nothing but abuse her. When she did eventually return home it was always because these friends houses werent good enough for her......she had to sleep on the sofa, ....there wasnt enough food, or there was no hot water left by the time it came for her to have a shower. 
Like your dd, my udd became close to a teacher and spoke about her a lot. By that time I knew what udd was trying to do and spoke to the teacher about udd and her homelife and put the record straight. I also spoke to udd and told her that I had spoken to the teacher and under no circumstance was she going to live with her.

In the end I had to get SS/CPS involved to try to keep my udd home and safe. After leaving school she went to live with several family members which ultimately didnt work out either but at least I knew where she was and that she was safe.

Does your dd  have any family or relatives she could stay with for a little while instead of this family? I think a little respite for both of you would probably work better than whole or nothing moving out stuff. The key is to keep all communication with this family open if she does decides to move out but I wonder if they really know what they are letting themselves in for? They already have their hands full with young children so how do they imagine it will be with your dd who is currently unwell. For me  main my main usually after the fact was that I didnt know where she was .. I didnt  know anything about this family or who lived there...or who else came and went  from these homes.  I was trying to keep my udd safe but she couldnt see it through her illness. You and this family need to be able to communicate and be working together if this is going to have any chance of working so I if it were me I would contact them and ask to meet up. I would also inform your udd that you have arranged a meeting and invite her along. That way your dd will not be able to manipulate anyone.