Family member with BPD also has actual health issues - Anyone experience this?

[bel2024]

Hi, I believe my adult daughter (early 30s) has BPD.  She also has health issues (ulcerative colitis).  In the last six months she has lost a lot of weight (almost 30 pounds, so now 5' 8" and 108) and having some odd symptoms (extreme dry mouth, eyes, skin, etc.).  The doctor thought it was medicine issue so she had been trying to get that figured out, but taking a lower dose of her ADHD medication is helping.  I took her to the ER for a migraine last week, she left with a UTI and then two days later came down with Covid on top of not being really healthy.   She is getting more depressed and (angry) isolating.   Before we knew she had Covid, I also went with her to two other doctor's appts.

Then on Saturday my son and daughter in law had their baby two weeks early.  My daughter had wanted to be at the hospital so bad, but could not because she was sick. 

I have been helping out at my son's house so he can go to work.  Sometimes she says things to me like maybe they could handle it themselves because she is the one that is literally wasting away and dying.  She accuses me of not caring, yet I have spent hours hunting down medication at pharmacies and then coordinate with the drs office.  I have spent countless hours on pharmacy calls trying to organize medicine, calls, and emails and fax to all of her doctors (4) to explain the circumstance, in hopes they can help us get into a Rheumatologist sooner or if they have any idea of what is going on.  My persistence at least help her get some auto-immune labs ordered so we can see if something is going on.  She also had extreme anxiety and OCD and ADHD, although she will say her anxiety is not that bad (but I disagree).

She lives at home, pays no rent, no contribution to the household (obviously, when she is sick, we do not expect this, but when she was not).   She owns a condo, but only lived in it for about 6 months and the lonliness got to her and she started self-harming behavior.

To her credit she has had the same job for 7 years, but this last year was extra hard and might have affected her health negatively.  She is a teacher and has to go back to work at the end of the month, but she feels the job is going to kill her because of the stress, so she is panicking now because she needs to go back to work at the end of the month.  So, she is in almost a constant state of panic.

She mainly directs all anger about everything bad in her life, everything the someone else does that bothers her and wants me to go take care of it because it is my house. 

I already suffer from a Chronic Pain condition that is directly related to the state of my nervous system.

I am hoping this post makes sense, but if anyone else has dealt with a son/daughter in a similar situation with actual health issues going at the same time trying to apply different techniques in dealing with someone with bpd, I would love the information.  I am finding it harder with the circumstance of an actual illness that she is having.

Thanks for any information.

The sad thing is that we have always had a very close relationship until less than a year ago.  I would have never seen this happening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Bel2024
My DD doesn’t have diagnosed physical conditions. She has diagnosed BPD and I suspect
undiagnosed ADHD. However I do notice her mind symptoms are so much worse when she is dealing with a temporary physical ailment such as the flu.

Your DD certainly has much to cope with and you have done an amazing job to get to the point where you are now. Ulcerative colitis, BPD and ADHD – a huge number of symptoms that can impact on each other quite profoundly.

Just reading your post – and in particular in relation to the fact that you and DD got on well up until a year or so ago I wondered if this has been the process.

-   Stressful year at work. Having been a teacher for some years I understand that some years can be really, really difficult.
-   Increase in ulcerative colitis symptoms due to intense stress.
-   Weight loss and depleted immune system due to increase in ulcerative colitis and subsequent weakness etc
-   Increase in anxiety due to health issues and susceptibility to infection etc
-   Increase in BPD symptoms – in particular blaming you, wanting total focus of attention – due to increase in anxiety

It is hard to see a way forward when things are so intertwined. I wonder if there is a possibility of DD working part-time at least for the next few months? I am thinking that a decrease in anxiety could be the starting point for other things to reduce at least a little?

One big issue is that as our child becomes more enmeshed in difficulties, so our anxiety increases. We start to think ‘What if DD can’t/won’t return to work?’, or How can I cope with this situation long term.

They pick up on this of course.

I think the starting point is to see if part time would be possible. Have you investigated this option? Is DD listed as a permanent employee? If so, with her medical position atm it should be possible.

What do you think about this possibility?

[Josie C]

Hi there, bel2024
My daughter (29) is diagnosed w/bpd and bipolar. She has recently shared that her T has indicated she has adhd and ocd traits. (Makes sense to me.) She also has a heart condition that complicates matters, especially with regards to the meds she is able to take.

As Sancho mentioned, it seems when she is sick her already unsteady emotional state goes haywire. Even a run-of-the-mill cold can throw her into turmoil. She seems to get sick with cold/flu often — and I wonder if her weakened emotional state makes her more vulnerable to illnesses.

The heart condition is exacerbated by stress and anxiety, something that most folks with BPD experience regularly. There is a procedure that could help her manage the cardiac condition, but she isn’t ready to undergo the treatment. Strangely enough, her heart issue seems to be something she likes carrying a flag for.  It’s as though she wants to be able to say she can’t try certain meds (for her bipolar or adhd symptoms)—perhaps absolving herself of responsibility?

She lives a 40-min drive away from me.  If I think she’s sick enough to need help and we’re in a good place, I’ll bring her some home-cooked food, tissues, beverages.  I’ve met her at the hospital several times when her heart condition required emergency care.  I try to think of what I would want/need in a given situation.  We all need to know someone cares when we’re feeling sick.

So much of interacting with her is counterintuitive.  While I want to be helpful, it can quickly backfire (like you, I’m the target of all rage/blame). It is important for pw/bpd to feel capable and not feel like we don’t find them able to handle things. She can get furious with me for not helping and accuse/blame me for not caring about her.  She’s just as likely to get angry that I don’t think she can take care of herself.  So it’s a balancing act, one that I have to consider each time something comes up. I have found that asking her what would be helpful sometimes works.  Or I offer two options that I’d be willing to do (say, pick up meds or make an appt) see if she believes either is beneficial. 

As a recently retired teacher, I well know the stress/anxiety that comes with the start of a new school year! As much as I enjoyed the work, I was more than glad to enjoy these summer months without the dread that came with the impending year.  It always seemed like I lost of month of summer just worrying/planning about the year-to-come.  And that was without the complications of major health issues. I hope your daughter has someone at the school that she can talk things over with.  Sometimes our fears need to be out in the open to lessen their hold on us.

Let us know how things are going, bel2024. And congrats on the new grandchild!