Lost and Alone - a familiar story I think

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi

I am new here and admittedly, putting this out there is terrifying.

My daughter (26) has many of the BPD traits and does not seems to realize it.  She is abusive (verbally/mentally) to me and to her sibling.  She needs me several times a day to go for a drive with her to "talk".  If I don't do the talking or prompting, then she gets very upset.  We both work for the same company and I put in the extra hours after or before just to keep up.

I seem to be on call constantly.  I also have others I care for and so it's very busy.  I suffer from anxiety and though my meds were working, the constant demand on me (time, and emotion) and the terrible things she says and does, have my health declining.  She is constantly threatening suicide and puts herself in situations that put her in risk. To the best of my knowledge, she has not fully attempted it. 

I am watching her obsess over a guy that doesn't seem to have the same obsession with her and she's losing all her friends.

I see a therapist to help me build boundaries with her but I struggle when she tells me she doesn't want to live any more or she "can't do this anymore".  She seems to do this more at night and so I'm often out 'driving around' with her until midnight or beyond.  If I try to stick to my boundaries, she starts telling me I'm to blame if she does something.  If I tell her I will call authorities to help her if she continues to threaten, she says she can make sure she is released (she is high functioning) and then will do what she's threatening to do and be sure I know I'm to blame.

She won't talk to or tell anyone else in our family what is going on and demands I don't either.  My husband knows about it but believes I just need to tell her to stop -- oh if only it were that easy.

She owes me money and she delays decisions that are affecting her life and happiness. This can't continue but I truly don't know how to help her or how to stop it. I can't desert her, I love her so much and she feels so alone.  It breaks my heart.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks everyone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SinisterComplex]

Hi

I am new here and admittedly, putting this out there is terrifying.

My daughter (26) has many of the BPD traits and does not seems to realize it.  She is abusive (verbally/mentally) to me and to her sibling.  She needs me several times a day to go for a drive with her to "talk".  If I don't do the talking or prompting, then she gets very upset.  We both work for the same company and I put in the extra hours after or before just to keep up.

I seem to be on call constantly.  I also have others I care for and so it's very busy.  I suffer from anxiety and though my meds were working, the constant demand on me (time, and emotion) and the terrible things she says and does, have my health declining.  She is constantly threatening suicide and puts herself in situations that put her in risk. To the best of my knowledge, she has not fully attempted it. 

I am watching her obsess over a guy that doesn't seem to have the same obsession with her and she's losing all her friends.

I see a therapist to help me build boundaries with her but I struggle when she tells me she doesn't want to live any more or she "can't do this anymore".  She seems to do this more at night and so I'm often out 'driving around' with her until midnight or beyond.  If I try to stick to my boundaries, she starts telling me I'm to blame if she does something.  If I tell her I will call authorities to help her if she continues to threaten, she says she can make sure she is released (she is high functioning) and then will do what she's threatening to do and be sure I know I'm to blame.

She won't talk to or tell anyone else in our family what is going on and demands I don't either.  My husband knows about it but believes I just need to tell her to stop -- oh if only it were that easy.

She owes me money and she delays decisions that are affecting her life and happiness. This can't continue but I truly don't know how to help her or how to stop it. I can't desert her, I love her so much and she feels so alone.  It breaks my heart.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks everyone.

I will add another A to put you at ease here....Anonymous. ;-)

Beyond that welcome to the fam. 

First things first...relax. Get comfortable. Take your time. While you get your feet under you here please visit our library and seek out some of the tools and skills. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

In the meantime please feel free to ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you want to. Engage with the community and you will find many of us here truly understand and get it.

Please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[CC43]

Hi Anxious,

I really feel for you.  Clearly you love your daughter and want to help her get on the right track, but she's stressing you out in the process.  If you're exhausted and constantly anxious, it will be hard to help her.

Maybe one boundary is to enforce a bedtime for yourself.  You need to prioritize YOU, and it sounds like you need to get some rest.  So maybe next time you're driving or talking with your daughter, you say, I need to be in bed by eleven, because I'm exhausted.  We can continue the conversation tomorrow.  If she pushes back, repeat what you want, and start driving back home.  And if she continues, maybe you say, well I think we both could use some more rest.  Let's get a good night's sleep tonight, and we'll probably feel a little better in the morning.  How does that sound to you?  If your daughter throws a fit, then I'd say, just leave her and enforce your boundary:  you go to bed at eleven.  And you turn off your phone if you have to.  You can deal with issues the next day.  If there's an emergency, your daughter can dial 911, not you, or she can try to self-regulate by herself.

I have a couple of needy loved ones in my life.  I do speak with them on the phone regularly.  But if the conversation gets heated, or goes on too long, they know I'll hang up.  I'm polite about it, but I can't spend my whole day listening to unproductive whining forever.  I have a life to get to.  So I tell them, I have to hang up.  And I do.

I wish you some peace and positive energy.  You're a trooper.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Thank you both so so much.

I cried when I read the responses because for a moment in time, I felt like there was hope. I don't know if the hope is for me or for her...hopefully for both.