BPD - Wife and Teenage son

[Flyer19]

Hello! I am thankful for this group and look forward to getting to know and support you. Please feel free to DM me anytime if you would like to have a greater conversation than comment allow. And let's be honest, no one needs that many notifications going off with the back and forth of trying to have a conversation via comments.

We are in the trenches together and sometimes just having someone who can say "yeah me too.." is all we need.
My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have adopted six kiddos. I grew up with a Mom diagnosed with BPD. Last week our  17 y/o son was diagnosed with BPD. Both bioparents had BPD as well.

My wife has exhibited many of the same behaviors over the years but I have attributed most of the extreme emotional reactions, false accusations, etc. to her PTSD diagnosis she was given as a result of childhood trauma. Since our son's diagnosis I have been reading and researching etc. and the information regarding BPD and their "Favorite Person" couldn't be spot on.

Obviously as a child/teen, I didn't know or understand why my Mom behaved the way she did. It was just my normal and I spent most of my time trying to "fix" or "will" her to get better.  But now that I am in a position as a spouse and a parent I can see all of the ways I'm which my "accountability, right and wrong, just rub some dirt in it" approach has not only been incredibly ineffective but has probably led to greater reactions and more accusations. I'm not sure I am equipped to do this but I'm going to give it hell.
I am at a complete and total loss so I welcome any advice, support, tips, tricks, or escape routes

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Flyer,

You've come to the right place.  It sounds like you have a lot on your plate!  Six kids is tough enough, but adding BPD to the mix increases complexity by an order of magnitude in my opinion.

I think it's important to make sure that you're getting rest, eating right and enjoying some me time, to ensure you're healthy and strong, because dealing with BPD behaviors can be very emotionally (and financially) draining.  You can't help others effectively, and model positive behaviors, unless you are in a good place yourself.  And it would be super helpful if your spouse were on the same page when it comes to the kids.  Consistency is very important in my opinion, for everyone's sake.

I'd invite you to take a look at the boards to see what resonates with your situation.  I suspect I'm a little like you, accustomed to the "you're OK, just rub some dirt in it" upbringing like I had--which can imply that emotions are fleeting and not really important, just focus on the task at hand and keep moving forward, and it will all work out.  Unfortunately, that approach can be read as invalidating to someone with BPD.  Plus, I am analytical and perhaps not as emotionally tuned as I should to be when dealing with a loved one with BPD.  Stuff that wouldn't even make me bat an eyelash can trigger BPD behaviors, like meltdowns, rage and blaming.  I find that in a way, the blaming is even worse than meltdowns and rage, because it engenders a victim attitude, and they feel powerless to change things in a positive direction.  I'm almost more comfortable with rage, because that's an active emotion, and it seems possible to re-direct rage into a more positive outlet.  Victimhood, however, can turn into self-destructive ruminating and passivity, and making it seem next to impossible to extract oneself from a pit of despair.  I guess what I'm saying is that hopelessness is incapacitating, but I'm not typically a hopeless person, and it can be hard for me to relate to that way of thinking.  I probably try to "fix" things too much.

Anyway, feel free to read and share as you are comfortable.  There are many threads about boundaries, which is a very tricky subject with BPD.