Suspicions confirmed...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So she moved in with a guy after 3 weeks of no contact from me.  I figured it would happen.  I could kind of feel it coming.  Oh well.  I feel bad for him honestly.  He has no idea what he's in for.  I just miss the girl I thought I knew.  She never really "was" at all, I guess.  Ghost.  I like to think that maybe she showed me the positive traits of the girl I'll eventually find and hold on to forever.  Traits and personality that will be real and not just imitative shadows designed to manipulate. 

[Tordesillas]

So she moved in with a guy after 3 weeks of no contact from me.  I figured it would happen.  I could kind of feel it coming.  Oh well.  I feel bad for him honestly.  He has no idea what he's in for.  I just miss the girl I thought I knew.  She never really "was" at all, I guess.  Ghost.  I like to think that maybe she showed me the positive traits of the girl I'll eventually find and hold on to forever.  Traits and personality that will be real and not just imitative shadows designed to manipulate. 

[Surnia]

I feel with you, this is hard to understand. 

I think you are right about missing the positive side of the girl. And the other guy is probably ignoring red flags like many of us here ... .  

How do you feel for yourself right now?

[Take2]

I just miss the girl I thought I knew.  She never really "was" at all, I guess. 

I wish I didn't understand that, but I do all too well... .   I totally feel for you.  It's really hard to come to grips with this and accept that that person you spent so much time loving and supporting really isn't "that person" at all.  I hope some time and healing gives you peace... .

[bpdspell]

Yep.

They find replacements pretty quickly and often have them lined up already to avoid abandonment at all costs. It stings but I'm glad you realize that she's someone else's problem. But it helps to remember that no matter who they're with they're the same unwell, emotionally unstable, disordered, psychotic people we experienced. BPD won't doesn't dry up or cure itself on it's own. Knowing this brought me tremendous relief and helped to to depersonalize being abandoned by my ex. It's a cycle that's repeated over and over for them and only intensifies their disorder the more they live in shame, delusion and denial.

[Tordesillas]

Surnia -

Thanks for asking... .

Honestly, right now I feel a mixture of things.  It's strange because ultimately it was ME who chose not to be with her.  But I still feel used and disrespected. I know in my head that she is with this guy and moving in with him because it is what she is programmed to do.  But she doesn't have to hear about me moving in with someone else right now.  She gets to hear about how I'm being single and taking time for myself to get over what we had.  She gets to feel the validation that she is at least worth mourning and getting over. 

[flatspin]

Yep.

They find replacements pretty quickly and often have them lined up already to avoid abandonment at all costs. It stings but I'm glad you realize that she's someone else's problem. But it helps to remember that no matter who they're with they're the same unwell, emotionally unstable, disordered, psychotic people we experienced. BPD won't doesn't dry up or cure itself on it's own. Knowing this brought me tremendous relief and helped to to depersonalize being abandoned by my ex. It's a cycle that's repeated over and over for them and only intensifies their disorder the more they live in shame, delusion and denial.

Yep, they have a dime a dozen of replacements in the back burner. They keep them warm and receptive in case of need.

[GlennT]

I like your attitude Tordesillas.   Always Do NC the best you can. Don't  reinforce the  BPD acting out toward you again, by talking too much, and  letting her back in your life. I believe a few more BPD's can become motivated into staying in therapy and analysis longer, by seeing all of their nons getting stronger, and staying NC/LC.

[bpdspell]

It's strange because ultimately it was ME who chose not to be with her.  But I still feel used and disrespected. I know in my head that she is with this guy and moving in with him because it is what she is programmed to do.  But she doesn't have to hear about me moving in with someone else right now.  She gets to hear about how I'm being single and taking time for myself to get over what we had.  She gets to feel the validation that she is at least worth mourning and getting over. 

I also chose not to be with my ex and actually dumped him quite viciously by going NC and getting a restraining order.  I had to chop off my hand to save my arm but it doesn't stop the feelings of abandonment because he seemed so hell bent on driving me away and sabotaging every good thing that was a part of our relationship. I was sick of the ___ tests, the lies, the manipulation, the abuse and the entitlement.

And that's before I even learned about BPD and narcissism. Dumping him didn't keep me from crying buckets, missing him or wishing that things were different.

Within days he was back with his ex... . yeah... . the one who treated him so terribly... . *Snark*

As for your ex moving in with her new replacement and you mourning and grieving her... . this doesn't mean that she wins a door prize because your sad. Your feelings are simply all over the place because you're still very much attached to her.

But try to look at this situation differently. She's mentally ill so ultimately she'll never win until she gets serious help. And the woman you experienced in your relationship will be the same woman with the new victim. Nothing to be envious of there.

It's not "poor me I'm all alone" it should be "hallelujah her toxic soul is out of my life." Think about all the crap you experienced and allow it to shift your perspective.

[Tordesillas]

BPDspell -

You're right... . I should be focused on how I am free of all of that mess.  And I am glad to be free of it... . I couldn't keep living that way.  I knew it then and I know it now.  But it's amazing how the knowledge of something doesn't always easily translate into the feeling of it.   And right now all I want to do is reach out and tell her how unfair it is that I'm here by myself in this apartment with all the stuff we got together and all the things that remind me of our time together, and she is off with someone else in a new place with new stuff with all reminders of me wiped clean.   

[slimmiller]

BPDspell -

You're right... . I should be focused on how I am free of all of that mess.  And I am glad to be free of it... . I couldn't keep living that way.  I knew it then and I know it now.  But it's amazing how the knowledge of something doesn't always easily translate into the feeling of it.   And right now all I want to do is reach out and tell her how unfair it is that I'm here by myself in this apartment with all the stuff we got together and all the things that remind me of our time together, and she is off with someone else in a new place with new stuff with all reminders of me wiped clean.   

I know we want to do that and if the person we want to tell that to was normal functioning like us, we would tell them and there could be some closure. However with BPD, telling them does only one thing, it confirms to them that there are still feelings and when they feel that there are still feelings in us for them, they look at it as a saftey net so to speak. In other words it allows them to dive even deeper because reaching out to them gives them a feeling of comfort.

Doing so costs us an emotional 'fee', but since they will more or less laugh at us for still having feelings, its wisest to not spent that emotion on them. For one thing they dont deserve it

Wanting to reach out even for closures sake proves that we are still capable of something 'real' unlike them. They only have emptiness

[Tordesillas]

Slimmiller -

So very true.  I was able to leave with my dignity and self respect mostly in tact.  I would hate to hand that over just for the false comfort of seeking validation from someone who probably won't give it to me.  In some ways I wish she had been a more extreme BPD.  But she did have times of clarity where she saw her disorder and was humble and open about it.  If there were none of those times then at least I wouldn't have this hope that she might be able to give me a bit of closure. 

[bpdspell]

I should be focused on how I am free of all of that mess.  And I am glad to be free of it... . I couldn't keep living that way.  I knew it then and I know it now.  But it's amazing how the knowledge of something doesn't always easily translate into the feeling of it.   And right now all I want to do is reach out and tell her how unfair it is that I'm here by myself in this apartment with all the stuff we got together and all the things that remind me of our time together, and she is off with someone else in a new place with new stuff with all reminders of me wiped clean.  

It's all still very raw for you so I don't expect you to pick up the pieces of your emotional world in a tidy perfect package of acceptance. We are not machines when it comes to computing the complexity of emotions.

And yes. It does feel awful trying to sort out the complicated feelings of love gone awry and our brains are in overdrive trying to understand how something that initially seemed so wondrous, so perfect and so full of unrequited love can turn into such a living nightmare. Being in love with a person with BPD is like living in a glass cube and having an invisible force bust every square surface of that cube including kicking the bottom out.

Yes. It will take time for your brain and heart to align but in all honesty it all boils down to a decision to value ourselves more than our need to deny who they've shown themselves to be. And it's hard because who they've revealed themselves to be is truly heartbreaking for us to swallow.

My thoughts were torturous when I realize that my BPDexbf so easily replaced me like a body in an assembly line. It triggered my low-self worth in ways I hadn't even known I felt about myself. But the more you learn about BPD the more you can depersonalize their "scripted" ways and actions. Everything that they do is about their sickness: masking it, hiding it, using others as bandaids till eventually the mask is dropped and the disorder's on full display.

They cannot accept love. They will sabotage it. They will destroy it because they will never truly feel worthy of it. They are experts are running... . rinsing, washing and repeating. This history has lived with them way before we came into their living waking nightmare. No one and I mean no one can repair or fix their emptiness and bottomless pit of need and that's including who she is shacked up with now.

Hope this helps.

[clairedair]

BPDspell -

You're right... . I should be focused on how I am free of all of that mess.  And I am glad to be free of it... . I couldn't keep living that way.  I knew it then and I know it now.  But it's amazing how the knowledge of something doesn't always easily translate into the feeling of it.   And right now all I want to do is reach out and tell her how unfair it is that I'm here by myself in this apartment with all the stuff we got together and all the things that remind me of our time together, and she is off with someone else in a new place with new stuff with all reminders of me wiped clean.   

Hey Tordesillas

My exh just got married to someone he started dating just before Christmas.  Just two months or so after our last breakup.  I feel free and I also feel erased at times and I feel angry at what seems like the injustice of him sailing into the sunset.  I have conversations with him in my head where I get the answers I need; I dream about this but I know from first-hand experience that the real-life versions never end well.

I know he feels deep pain, but he always has someone around waiting to comfort him (I was one of them).  Like your ex, mine has times of great clarity (that fooled me into believing everything would be alright eventually).  So confusing.

Thing is, if he had died last Autumn, no-one (myself included) would be expecting me to be OK by now.  I would not feel that there was something wrong with me because I'm still tearful at unexpected moments or embarrassed that he's so happy with someone whilst I'm still struggling a little.  But I am still grieving a deep loss (even if I know that the loss was of a person who no longer exists; the loss of a future that was never going to materialise).

You sound like you are just where you ought to be - aware that it is healthier for you to be out of the mess but also healthy enough to grieve properly and not just rush headlong into something to 'make it better' for a time. 

take care,

Claire

[Tordesillas]

BPDspell and Claire... .

I hear you... . having better educated myself about BPD and everything related to it goes a long way to making it seem a bit less personal and more clinical. 

And I do the fantasy conversations all the time.  Sometimes they're angry and I vent all the hurt and she cries and apologizes.   Sometimes I'm just cool and detached and then she cries and apologizes.  Sometimes I'm really tender and understanding and she cries and apologizes.  I'm sure you see the common denominator!  But you're right... . even with a conversation like that I doubt I'd get what I'm hoping for. Or if I did, I doubt it would mean much beyond the limits of that conversation.  A reality with someone with BPD seems a lot like being forced into an existence with perpetual amnesia.  Always forgetting what was said yesterday and never learning lessons for tomorrow.

[bewildered2]

take the pain... . she is crazy... .

you will survive and go on to see her for what she is... . time will heal everything... . as hard as it is to believe right now... . and it will get clearer and clearer for you... . and you will realize what she is and what she isn't... . and you won't miss her... . you will be glad that she is gone... . trust me.

you dodged a bullet, big time... .

that other poor guy is in for it... . i feel sorry for him... . she is about to infect him too with an unhappiness that can not be described or understood by anyone who hasnt been there already... .

you are well out of it... . and she will get her comeuppance, for sure.

b2

[Suzn]

having better educated myself about BPD and everything related to it goes a long way to making it seem a bit less personal and more clinical.  

And I do the fantasy conversations all the time.  Sometimes they're angry and I vent all the hurt and she cries and apologizes.   Sometimes I'm just cool and detached and then she cries and apologizes.  Sometimes I'm really tender and understanding and she cries and apologizes.  I'm sure you see the common denominator!  But you're right... . even with a conversation like that I doubt I'd get what I'm hoping for. Or if I did, I doubt it would mean much beyond the limits of that conversation.

This is insightful Tordesillas, you are turning a corner. I saw your fantasy thread and thought it was kind and a positive step. It's easy to get stuck in the anger phase, remaining bitter and hurt. Anger is easy, looking behind that anger for the source takes digging a little deeper. You seem to be recognizing expectations have to be different for a pwBPD.

you will survive and go on to see her for what she is

Yes, seeing our exs for who they are, mentally disordered people, is hard to wrap our minds around. When we start to learn more about BPD, a disorder listed in the DSM, we start to understand the behaviors we saw and we start to understand those behaviors that hurt us so deeply had nothing to do with us. I imagine this fear of being abandoned as a free fall, grabbing at anything on the way down, anything to keep from hitting the ground.

I'm glad to see you working through your anger, grieving your loss and showing compassion by wishing her well. This is bordering on acceptance and forgiveness. This will help ensure you coming out on the other side of this grief healthier emotionally and not stuck in bitterness and anger. I also read you had worked on boundaries, that's a step in the right direction too. Kuddos to you.