Why Do We Become Such A Trigger?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am 90% NC, 90% of the time and will now have to increase it to 100%/100% because my very existence sets him off.  I know that he is totally mentally ill but it is still hurtful. 

I was completely NC for quite a while and then his biller who lives far away asked me to go over and I did.  I went somewhere with him and he started drinking and made a total ass of himself so he quit for a week and was almost tolerable.  Then I left and went on a two day trip that had been planned for months, and he took up with the drinking and drugging crew again and totally painted me black.

Short of a miracle it will never change, but I could become the President of the United States and he would give me zero credit and praise some low life and it just infuriates me.

[ve01603]

I am 90% NC, 90% of the time and will now have to increase it to 100%/100% because my very existence sets him off.  I know that he is totally mentally ill but it is still hurtful. 

I was completely NC for quite a while and then his biller who lives far away asked me to go over and I did.  I went somewhere with him and he started drinking and made a total ass of himself so he quit for a week and was almost tolerable.  Then I left and went on a two day trip that had been planned for months, and he took up with the drinking and drugging crew again and totally painted me black.

Short of a miracle it will never change, but I could become the President of the United States and he would give me zero credit and praise some low life and it just infuriates me.

[PinkieD]

I have the same questions.  I believe I actually could see BPD get triggered right in front of my eyes after some particularly close "bonding" times.

Did I expect too much and it scared him?  Was I too similar to someone in his past who abandoned him?  Did he just feel strongly for me and that was not a good thing for him?

So many questions.  Sad part is the person who would be able to tell us the answers will NEVER be able to. Them.

[diotima]

Part of it is that we have come to represent the possibility of real attachment, which they have already experienced and sense it is not in their playbook (unconscious). Hence, right away comes the chaos-making behavior. They already know us so the honey moon won't work too well. They cut to the chase. Also, we are on our guard and perhaps watching for it to start--somewhat anxiously. So we have two anxious critters facing each other, and it doesn't take long for the s**t to hit to fan.

Diotima

[Clearmind]

Ve, BPDs operate as a part-time self or hollow self - creating a strong attachment bond to a non creates the illusion they are a whole person. Following on from the h'moon phase, the BPD will start sensing that the non has some flaws (albiet naturally - we are human), this triggers them because we are not seen as perfect anymore. We become the trigger for sending them back to the part time self - i.e. unstable/shameful/fearful.

www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/masterson2.htm

[ve01603]

Thanks.  Great posts everyone.  So good to know that we are not in this alone.

[Beach_Babe]

Im now the trigger for all thats bad in her life... .ugh

[flashcard]

they push/pull with everyone in their lives, even and especially their kids.  Most people don't stay in there like we have... .kids don't have a choice... .but that's where has been for me... .how come I was there.  Thankfully, i am coming out of all of that.  I know why.  Anyways... .


BPD has a lot of the same traits of a lot of other disorders... .but I have likened the relationship traits/behaviors  as that of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, of which I have a lot of experience.  Extremely similar.  I actually told my exBPD that she may have it, never even knowing about BPD yet.  You can imagine how well that went

over at the time

[Clearmind]

Im now the trigger for all thats bad in her life... .ugh

No Frieda you are not the trigger, the fear of intimacy and engulfment is the cause.   

[seeking balance]

I am 90% NC, 90% of the time and will now have to increase it to 100%/100% because my very existence sets him off.  I know that he is totally mentally ill but it is still hurtful. 

I was completely NC for quite a while and then his biller who lives far away asked me to go over and I did.  I went somewhere with him and he started drinking and made a total ass of himself so he quit for a week and was almost tolerable.  Then I left and went on a two day trip that had been planned for months, and he took up with the drinking and drugging crew again and totally painted me black.

Short of a miracle it will never change, but I could become the President of the United States and he would give me zero credit and praise some low life and it just infuriates me.

This is not about him VE - it is completely 100% about you.

Why do you need validation or praise from him?

Why do you continue to make excuses for your choice to hang out with him? Umm, his biller asked you to... .so you did ... .after all the crap you have written on these boards about how horrible he is - you went to see him?  Really?

His addictions or possible BPD is not really your problem as much as you seem to be your problem.  If you don't want his actions and words to be hurtful; perhaps you should refrain from going around him 

You are not a victim in any of this VE

[2010]

As far as the billing goes, a professional can be hired who lives close by. To say that you are the only person able to do this is another way of saying "I know more about what X needs than you do so <<I>> am going to *have* to do it/fix it/rescue it instead of you."  Now that's no way out of the relationship.  In fact, you might have been better off these past months on the staying board, as you seem to want to stay and rather than say so, you claim percentages for your relationship contact.

To answer your question about why you've become a trigger- it's only natural when you step in to fix things due to a person's attempt to keep you controlled by their display of carelessness and alcoholism, which is manipulation on their part. What's happened here is that "I'm the answer to the problem" really intends to create an obligation. It also intends to induce guilt on both sides.

This seems to be a natural challenge to you because you feel that *if you can just be perfect* you'll not only win the love of this careless, alcoholic manipulator, you'll also control the benefits of his practice. You idealize him as a Doctor, but he's not- he's a chiropractor and they do not have the same standards of practice as a physician who dispenses medication or a surgeon who uses a scalpel. In fact, a chiropractor could lie on the couch and smoke pot and drink for the rest of his life and still maintain a storefront business without killing anyone.

Fixers victimize themselves- they do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves.  He chooses to screw up because it works to keep you focused (he's determined that not only can he can get away with it- but you will respond.)

Why not start with discovering why you hold this broken man in such high esteem and really be honest about the fantasy that he presents. I would begin to ask why this title of Dr. is so important while he could care less.  The reality is that your efforts to control him might be an attempt to feel safe and loved without financial worries should he marry you. I think this needs to be confronted and admitted and then grieved as a lost cause. Only then will you be able to move forward from the victimization.