BPD & NPD Mother in law

[mebefree]

Hello,

I have just recently discovered that my MIL seems to have most all of the traits listed in the cluster B personality types. It started with me searching the internet for something to explain this horrible evil woman. With the help of a therapist we first identified malignant narcissism, then BPD then histrionic PD. She is in the category of the queen witch.

My husband and I have been married for 24 years and we have two beautiful Son's together. His NM has always been a problem in our lives. The thing is she was at first very nice to me. I even thought I was so lucky to have found a husband with a MIL that I actually like. Well that lasted about a year until our first Son was born. She began controlling everything we did. We had to be at her house all of the time. My husband would run there to take care of her needs and then end up staying there and leaving me at home alone. Very slowly I began to get angry with my husband for always putting his mother first.

For work reasons we moved to another state for about 10 years. During that time is when my husband and I really grew as a couple. We bonded as a couple and became our own family unit. His Mother maintained her control the best she could long distance but it didn't matter, she was a thousand miles away!

Then came the moving of our company back to our home city. We had no choice but to come back. We moved about 40 minutes away from my husbands family home. MIL was pretty upset about that. The assaulting behavior started immediately. She thinks that my husband is really her husband on loan to me or something. This woman actually competes with me for my husbands attention. She does all she can to make me jealous of her.  My husbands family also seem to hate each other but were constantly together because of the mother.  You name an abuse and she's done it to someone. I knew they were a messed up family but I didn't marry them I married him. Little did I know what an enmeshed relationship they all had together. In the beginning I became enmeshed also just to fit in with my new family. I fell into the Golden child DIL if there is such a thing. My husband has two married brothers so everyone was always competing with each other over the mother. It was really sick.  It has taken me years to get my husband to somewhat pull away from them. Then I found the parrish/miller traits of a narcissist online.  After my husband read that article we cried together. We went right into therapy with a counselor that specilizes in cluster B personality disorders. The abuse and tourture he suffered at his mother's hands made me physically ill. WHY IF SHE DID ALL OF THESE HORRIBLE THINGS TO HIM DID HE KEEP RUNNING TO HER TIME AND TIME AGAIN? I just didn't get it. Everytime we were at her house some drama always played out. Not coming from that type of upbringing made me crazy to be around these people. Well I guess after 20 years dealing with this horrible woman, and before I found out about her illness I had had enough. In the 8 years that we were back home she managed to get her talons into my husband again and he was always down at her house taking care of her needs. I finally said to my husband, "It's your mother or me"! (What woman feels good about saying that to her husband no matter how awful his mother is)?  Thank goodness he chose me. That's when I gave him the parrish/miller traits article to read. We have been in counseling for two weeks now and it sure is helping my husband and I understand the effects this has on him. It explains so much now.

The problem is we have been on severely linited contact with her and she is starting trouble over it. She misses her baby boy doting all over her. Now she is coming after me with a vengence. We will be seeing her for one hour at breakfast on mothers day because my husband couldn't handle the guilt from his brothers if we sat this one out. There will be a big drama and that will most likely be the last time I have to deal with this woman. That's really the only reason I agreed for us to go. My husband wants nothing to do with her but he has not been fully tested by her yet.

Thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. I have learned so much from these support groups and reading all I can. Sorry for the babbling and having my thoughts all over the place. I wish everyone on here peace and strength in their lives. Regards, mebefree

[mamachelle]

Hi mebefree,



It is so good that you are in counseling now with your DH. Mother's Day is not going to be easy so I guess it's good to prepare. I would advise you to not be attached to a specific outcome you envision. These things take time and don't expect your DH to change quickly since he has just learned what has been going on his entire life is not exactly what he thought. There are great tools here for reducing conflict that you and he can learn and practice, maybe even before Sunday  

Here are a few links to tools that hopefully can help you both:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Arguing - don't engage


We can help you here with determining what level of contact is going to work for you and your DH.

How is all this impacting your Sons at this point? Will they be at the lunch on Sunday?

Do you have much contact or friendship or support with your in laws (his sibs and their spouses/kids) these days?

Let us know a little more so we can help you get to the right resources here.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on this board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.


Yours,

mamachelle

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, mebefree, and 

I am glad you found this site and decided to join. We have many members who have been in your shoes and who will be glad to help you navigate the waters. My mother has BPD, and I have found these boards tremendously helpful in my recovery. There are some great resources here, too. The links mamachelle shared are a great place to start. I especially love the one about boundaries and values.

Sometimes it helps to have a safety plan in place. You can have a strategy for how to get out of there early if brunch gets out of hand. Nothing says you have to stay and endure behavior that is disrespectful or abusive.

Wishing you peace,

PF