need helping setting boundries with master triangulator

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I have not posted in awhile - the holidays were tough, even though we did not see my BPD mom there was the usual stress-inducing arrangements, for the second year in a row my mom has intentionally left me out of planned events and I have made other plans in reaction to the exclusion.  The season produces stress for me, and I have stress related medical issues.  :)ecember was my worst month healthwise and I think the holiday stress played a major role in that - this year I would like to take steps to insulate myself from stress.

Last year I had better tools than the years before, sadly I have given my mom reactions through email prior to learning about JADE and it's as-if I gave her oxygen, she is chomping at the bit to have another email war (we have a 10+ year history of useless email arguments).  I have put my foot down with my mother and have filtered her emails to auto reply, I have made it clear that I have no plans to make her a facebook friend and as an act of solidarity I would like to delete/block my sister.  Over the past holiday season my sister picked up where my mom left off the previous year and she is a master triangulator, at this point I think my mother and sister may share a brain. My sister has not called me in over a year but has sent text messages and facebook messages as last-minute efforts to involve me in some preholiday stress-fests (she sent a text when she was in my city with my mom, sight seeing - did not give me any advance notice).

My sister is not very social it is frankly creepy/saddening to keep her on my friend list.  My boyfriend and I can't even laugh at her passive/aggressive posting on facebook anymore - she used my nieces email account at one point to read an email from me and she has not owned up to any nefarious behavior, she is avoiding direct conversation.  I have tried to squelch my opinion about her behavior, and have blocked her from seeing most of my updates on facebook - she still reacts to the updates she does see and I am concerned that she may use my nieces account again.

To make things more complicated, my niece is not her daughter - she has a son who I was close with, he's been told a lot of crap about me.  He's basically being used as a pawn, my sister had made no attempt at one on one contact with me and him, she sends late notice of events that my mother is going to be at, things with my mother are still so tense I don't want to expose my health, or my boyfriend, to the drama.  I'd like to make boundaries with my sister, I'd also like to tell her she is a cyberstalker and this is why she has so few friends, but I really need to choose my words carefully with her as they will likely come back at me later.  I want no online contact with her, no text messaging - she has been acting like a 14 year old with the texting and I don't check my facebook messages enough to use it as primary contact.  My sister is an adult, and has been using text and facebook as primary contact as a reaction to my request for direct phone contact.

Someone has to put my health first, everything with my mom and sister becomes a struggle for control and I am not willing to move backwards, email with both of them was difficult (to put it mildly) and I am frankly sorry I ever added my sister on facebook, I have her on limited updates and have (repeatedly) asked that she reach me by phone, I'm trying to compose a message where I wrap the online stuff up but keep the door open for phone contact, I feel like I have already done this - I let her know her son is always welcome and stressed that I cannot be online all the time and have limited time for email/facebook, I don't think I am paranoid but it feels like she is lurking and trying to see what I am doing so she can expose that *GASP* I went out for coffee when I was too sick for facebook, it's true - cafes do not stress me out like my family does.   I don't want to live my life worried that she is lurking, looking for some little clue to blow out of proportion,

[nomom4me]

Hi all, I have not posted in awhile - the holidays were tough, even though we did not see my BPD mom there was the usual stress-inducing arrangements, for the second year in a row my mom has intentionally left me out of planned events and I have made other plans in reaction to the exclusion.  The season produces stress for me, and I have stress related medical issues.  :)ecember was my worst month healthwise and I think the holiday stress played a major role in that - this year I would like to take steps to insulate myself from stress.

Last year I had better tools than the years before, sadly I have given my mom reactions through email prior to learning about JADE and it's as-if I gave her oxygen, she is chomping at the bit to have another email war (we have a 10+ year history of useless email arguments).  I have put my foot down with my mother and have filtered her emails to auto reply, I have made it clear that I have no plans to make her a facebook friend and as an act of solidarity I would like to delete/block my sister.  Over the past holiday season my sister picked up where my mom left off the previous year and she is a master triangulator, at this point I think my mother and sister may share a brain. My sister has not called me in over a year but has sent text messages and facebook messages as last-minute efforts to involve me in some preholiday stress-fests (she sent a text when she was in my city with my mom, sight seeing - did not give me any advance notice).

My sister is not very social it is frankly creepy/saddening to keep her on my friend list.  My boyfriend and I can't even laugh at her passive/aggressive posting on facebook anymore - she used my nieces email account at one point to read an email from me and she has not owned up to any nefarious behavior, she is avoiding direct conversation.  I have tried to squelch my opinion about her behavior, and have blocked her from seeing most of my updates on facebook - she still reacts to the updates she does see and I am concerned that she may use my nieces account again.

To make things more complicated, my niece is not her daughter - she has a son who I was close with, he's been told a lot of crap about me.  He's basically being used as a pawn, my sister had made no attempt at one on one contact with me and him, she sends late notice of events that my mother is going to be at, things with my mother are still so tense I don't want to expose my health, or my boyfriend, to the drama.  I'd like to make boundaries with my sister, I'd also like to tell her she is a cyberstalker and this is why she has so few friends, but I really need to choose my words carefully with her as they will likely come back at me later.  I want no online contact with her, no text messaging - she has been acting like a 14 year old with the texting and I don't check my facebook messages enough to use it as primary contact.  My sister is an adult, and has been using text and facebook as primary contact as a reaction to my request for direct phone contact.

Someone has to put my health first, everything with my mom and sister becomes a struggle for control and I am not willing to move backwards, email with both of them was difficult (to put it mildly) and I am frankly sorry I ever added my sister on facebook, I have her on limited updates and have (repeatedly) asked that she reach me by phone, I'm trying to compose a message where I wrap the online stuff up but keep the door open for phone contact, I feel like I have already done this - I let her know her son is always welcome and stressed that I cannot be online all the time and have limited time for email/facebook, I don't think I am paranoid but it feels like she is lurking and trying to see what I am doing so she can expose that *GASP* I went out for coffee when I was too sick for facebook, it's true - cafes do not stress me out like my family does.   I don't want to live my life worried that she is lurking, looking for some little clue to blow out of proportion,

[Pilate]

I'm sorry the holidays were tough, nomom4me, even with some new tools in place. It's hard feeling comfort with discomfort--even if it's for all the best reasons!

What would happen if you just unfriended your sister on facebook without a whole email explanation?

One perspective might be: It's your account. You can friend/unfriend whoever you want without telling them. (It feels so different with family members and family members with PDs.)

Perhaps if you make an offensive (as in the opposite of defensive--I don't mean offensive as in rude) move like unfriending vs letting her know what you're going to do, which leaves it open for her to argue, this makes online communication with you mute. If your sister wants to communicate, she'll need to call.

What will you do if your sister doesn't call you after you unfriend her? Are there other online avenues you need to reroute or close?

It sounds like you have a good support in your BF. Kudos for you for looking after your health--self care is one of the best gifts around!

Pilate