Stipulation for parents to fund college for D18

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does anyone have experience with drafting a stipulation for the divorced parents to fund college?  Nut Job and I are in the process of having our lawyers draft such an agreement for our 18 year old daughter. 

D18 is currently in her first year of college - paid for with her college fund savings.  Those savings will run out before the end of her second year so the divorce parents will need to fund the rest.

It is not a legal requirement in CA unless we voluntarily enter into a stipulation.  I don't really want this because I don't want any legal obligation between me and NJ.  But NJ is pushing for it so I will give it a try. 

My fear is that we will never reach agreement.  We can't agree on much of anything so why should this be any different?  I think it will be another vehicle for her to waste time and get her jollies by arguing and trying to control me.

What are the experiences of others in this regard?

[theodore]

Does anyone have experience with drafting a stipulation for the divorced parents to fund college?  Nut Job and I are in the process of having our lawyers draft such an agreement for our 18 year old daughter. 

D18 is currently in her first year of college - paid for with her college fund savings.  Those savings will run out before the end of her second year so the divorce parents will need to fund the rest.

It is not a legal requirement in CA unless we voluntarily enter into a stipulation.  I don't really want this because I don't want any legal obligation between me and NJ.  But NJ is pushing for it so I will give it a try. 

My fear is that we will never reach agreement.  We can't agree on much of anything so why should this be any different?  I think it will be another vehicle for her to waste time and get her jollies by arguing and trying to control me.

What are the experiences of others in this regard?

[GaGrl]

My settlement agreement stipulated a 50-50 split of college costs (tuition, books, room and board, transportation) for a state university.  If private university was selected, that was over and above the settlement amount.

My state doesn't require it either -- it has to be agreed upon.

My ex isn't disordered (current DH's wife is the BPD we deal with)... .  so I can understand not wanting to continue dealing with her past what is absolutely required legally.  However, in our experience, if adult children are shared, you won't ever quit dealing with her.

[Matt]

But NJ is pushing for it so I will give it a try.

Not very compelling logic, Theodore!

I would suggest you first talk with your daughter and work out what commitments you can make to her.  "I will put $X each month into an account for you.  I would suggest you not touch it til your college fund runs dry.  Then you can use the fund I'll be putting money into.  I realize it won't be enough for all your expenses.  Maybe you can get your mom to do something similar, so together we'll be giving you enough.  Or you might have to look at summer jobs or working a few hours a week during school."  Talk to her - not her mom - and if you need to say, "Here's my plan but if I can't do that good I'll let you know" that's OK.  (And if you can do better, great.)

Don't pay lawyers to go around and around over something that is better handled outside the legal process.  These "stipulations" probably will never be enforced anyhow.  (And shame on both lawyers for taking your money for working on this issue, when they know you'll both either give your daughter money, or you won't - the stipulation probably doesn't matter.)

As far as doing things like spending money on lawyers to placate the other party, you need to get past that.  She will act out or not depending on factors beyond your control.  Just tell your lawyer, "I will work out with D what support I can give her, and her mom can do the same.  There will be no stipulation about college funding.  You can tell that to the other lawyer and both of you can quit billing us for that issue."

[ForeverDad]

Why can't D take out a loan for the remainder of her college education?  Is that such an undesirable concept?  You won't be loving her any less if she has to take the responsibility to foot some of her bills.

I'm very, very leery of obligating myself to an optional agreement because I don't know what my financial status will be beyond next week... .  job loss, market crash, accident, illness, etc.  If, when the time comes, I can do it, that's another matter.  I'd rather do something optional willingly rather than by obligation.

And as you noted, not having an ex waving a paper under your nose for the next few years would sure be nice.

Oh, just occurred to me, does ex earn more than you?  Is she trying to make sure you pay 50%?

If there is an agreement, I agree with GaGrl, limit your financial exposure to the comparative expense of a local college in case a change to a fancy distant college is selected that requires enormous tuitions, remote housing, etc.

[yeeter]

The first question is, what do YOU want to do for your daughter?

Assume you were a single parent for a moment.  What would you do?

[NorthernGirl]

My DH and his ex are obligated by law where we live to provide "reasonable" funds toward a college education for their children. DH set up an educational fund for the kids when still in the marriage, so he and his ex both own that after the divorce.

DH and his ex have fundamental differences in their beliefs about what their children should receive. His ex (UBPD) actually has differences in what she believes each of her children should get, based on her view of each child. She has labeled their oldest as the bad child, and so despite him being successful, doing well in school, etc. she has only agreed to give him his share of the money from the educational fund, nothing more. His brother, who is his mother's clear favorite, returned from his third rehab program and received not only his share of the educational fund but also a new wardrobe (lots of designer stuff), new computer, new cell phone, plus monthly spending money, etc, etc. And he's just taking a few courses to see if he can get admitted to college. UBPD sent DH a bill for "his portion" of the spending spree based on their salaries. DH didn't pay this and she was furious, but -- likely after checking with her lawyer -- she backed off.

I agree with others who say you should negotiate this with your daughter, not with your ex. You can have her do a budget and then sit with you and talk about what funds she will require, her options for how she could get funds (including a loan), etc. Doing a budget can also help her learn what is a necessity versus a "nice-to-have". DH's middle child was shocked when he learned that the courts wouldn't consider a new laptop computer and IPhone as "necessities."