Bad day

[Take2]

After doing a lot of reading this weekend and feeling like strength is a possibility, I slid so far backward today. I had to leave work today.

I simply cannot pretend to be his friend right now given how cruel he's been in dumping yet again during such a painfully stressful time. And a week after he talk about living together for the first time

I know logically he is so disordered and triangulating (read definition) right now.

But it doesn't prevent the intense pain of being stunned by his actions or missing him so badly

Just looking for a little support when I am feeling so alone... .

[seeking balance]

Sorry you are hurting, take care of yourself now.

You might feel alone, but you are not - you will make it through this, but to do so, you  may need to accept taking care of you is number 1, not being his friend right now is ok.

Peace,

SB

[jessicapuppy]

Hi Take2

Sorry you are having such a tough time of things at the moment.  I have been there and know how difficult this can be 

As much as you likely don't feel like it right now, you need to focus on you.  Get out with friends, keep busy, stop allowing him to consume you even now, when he has treated you so badly.  No one is so special that you deserve to have every thought consumed with them and how bad you are feeling because of their actions.  It took me a long time to see that, and once I did, and I began to value myself again, I moved forward.

You have choices now in how you move forward and what you choose to allow into your life. You have the power to bring all of this hurt to a halt, and only accept better.  I made the mistake of feeling powerless and a slave to how he made me feel, but the truth is that we have the power to take control and move forwards 

Day by day, hour by hour... .you can do it!  You are stronger than you think 

JP

[really]

Take 2,

I have had so many days like that, and have also had to leave work for the same reason. 

Every time I reached out for contact I felt far worse for it.   The days when there was no contact were hard as well but nothing compared to the days when there was because all I got back was abuse and utter disregard for the mess she left in her wake.

You are among friends here.  People who live through those feelings as well.  Vent do whatever you need to do but start putting yourself first.   

"If you are in hell, keep going" is the best motto I believe.    Cry, rage, do whatever you need to do but please start giving yourself some of the love you poured into him.   You will come through this.

[jessicapuppy]

Really - I agree.  I learned (the hard way) that every time I gave in and made contact, I prolonged my own suffering.  Had I just ceased to allow contact at all, I'd have healed so much sooner than I actually did!  Every time I responded to or initiated contact, I realised I was voluntarily inviting an extension to the amount of bad days I was going to suffer!  In the end I had to ask myself, when at my lowest point, whether or not I wanted to put an end to these hardest days, or not... .

[really]

Well am right with you on that one... .when I look back I think, Jeez mate, can't you see you were only hurting yourself.   She doesn't care , if she did she would never have lied , cheated , thrown abuse at you .

Its only very recently (and I mean very recently) that I have fully accepted that I was foolish to expect any other result.

Hey, but we live and learn,... .could have been worse I suppose.

[Take2]

Thank you so much everyone for responding... .  I keep thinking that I'm starting to put myself first but I keep proving myself wrong.  By leaving my office early today was the first time that I actually have put myself first.  Normally I would NEVER leave if he's there.  When he worked late, I always worked late.  When I have a doctor appointment or anything else - I would never plan it during lunch because it would interfere with his time.  I can't believe how much I have changed in the 3 years since this r/s (if you can call it that) has been going on back and forth. 

I am aware of the thick thick fog I'm enveloped by.  I went into the office thinking it would be a decent day and bam, I was crying by 9:30am... .  I normally only cry when he rages at me.  It's my depression, I know that.  And I really am trying so hard to put myself first.  The hour by hour concept is probably what I need to start with. 

If every interaction with him WAS painful, then I wouldn't keep responding.  I feel like a rat in cage who keeps pressing the bar - and once in a while a pellet is released.  I'm so tired I can't believe I can't remember what that's called !

I think my brain has been reduced to much today.  I do get positive reactions from him - but it varies and is extremely inconsistent. 

If you find yourself going through hell... .keep going.

I read that quote last week in another post and promptly wrote it down.  It's a very good one!

Thank you!

[jessicapuppy]

I agree that not every interaction/contact with your ex will feel painful/negative at the time.  What I was trying to say, was that having a 'good' interaction, only raises our hopes so that further down the line, they are only to be crushed again.  So eventually, every contact we have is a negative experience, and prolongs our agony.

JP

[Take2]

Is it really true ?  That it never ever can be good?

I need to get it thru my head because I have really wound up in a very, very bad place emotionally right now... .  I am struggling to function - it's not ALL related to the ex but his timing on the current dump is so unbelievable that I can't process it at all.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Take2

Sorry for not being on here for a while.

How are things going for you at the moment?

JP

x

[Take2]

Hi there Jessicapuppy... .  

I can honestly say the day after my last post on this thread,  I truly did enter hell when I was called to my dads bedside as he died.  And my ex refused to come sit with me.

He had a date. And he felt justified in yelling at me both before and after the date about how unreasonable my request was... .  yet all at the same time telling me how he is here for me.

Truly,  I never knew I could feel that level of emotional pain.

And that I still am intertwined in his craziness is proof of my own issues.

But it was absolutely impossible for me to cut him out as my dad died.

I actually apologized to him for it

Yikes.

It was and I guess still is too much to handle the loss of the two most influential men in my life at the same time.

I am OK which shows me that I DO have strength

I WILL get thru it.

Slowly I guess.

But surely ... .  

Thank you so much for asking... .  

[Changed4safety]

 

I lost my dad about this time last year.  My ex and I were still living together but he was planning on moving out in a couple monthsand I was flying out to see my family just for a regular visit.  I knew he was declining but Dad took a sudden turn for the worse and died ten days after I was out there.  My ex had a breakdown two days before my father died--his meds were delayed (He was not actively out yet but would be soon if they didn't arrive) and he was texting me wildly FIX IT FIX IT and I ended up having to mail him a check (I was completely supporting him.)  FOUR days after my Dad died, I mentioned the moveout and he had a psychotic episode.  Screaming at me on the phone for "kicking him out" after we had agreed that this was best for both of us.

Lots more I could say, but I wanted to let you know you weren't alone in having to deal with that with a sick person (mentally) in your life.  Hang in there, I live alone now 1,000 away from my ex and all my friends (I have only one family here that I'm friends with) and know how it is to feel isolated in dealing with this!

[Take2]

Thank you Changed... .  I truly appreciate that... .   

I work with my ex... .  and my heart just breaks or melts every time I see him.  I'm never sure which might occur (the heart breaking vs the heart melting).   And I see him constantly throughout the day - I would be much more able to move forward if I didn't see him constantly. 

I am sorry for your loss.  It truly stinks to lose a parent.  And then to have a disordered person still need to make it all about them... .  and yet even a week ago when I was having a really hard time, because now I've lost both my parents and really only have my sister (who is 1500 miles away) and my daughter (thank GOD), I told him "you have NO idea what I'm going through" - and he actually said to me "YOU have no idea what I'M going through".  And he was referring to the fact that he thinks I have thrown myself at multiple men in the office we work in (NOT remotely true).  REALLY?    that is so unbelievably pathetic that it's just sad.  I guess I really DON'T know what he is going thru if he thinks his pain for his delusions rivals the loss of both parents... .    and you know?  maybe it does.  (I can't quite imagine that it does, but I can only feel sympathy at that... .  )

[Changed4safety]

 

It's a special kind of torment to have to go through such difficult times AND have a BPD in your life making it all about themselves.  I try to stay compassionate... .  

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Take2

So sorry to hear of the loss of your father.  This is a time when you could do with someone to lean on, and I understand you will feel pretty alone with your ex's behaviour  

I think that this is possibly an example of where my ex with BPD showed me what I could expect of him in the relationship.  I also went through some major life experiences when with him, and I realised that instead of easing things by being a supportive partner, he was adding to the negative experience.

The lack of empathy and immature emotional level, means that it can be very difficult to have an even, balanced relationship, and we often find that we cannot expect the same level of support in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

You say that your ex is a major influence in your life.  It's perhaps a time to ask yourself what sort of influence you would like.  If you feel you can be happy in a situation where you will have to be the care-giver, as well as deal with what life throws your way, then perhaps you can make it work.  For me, I knew I needed an equal partner, who could support me as I would him.  I have an awful lot to give to the right person, but not to someone who can only take.

This is a very hard time in your life.  Give yourself some 'you' time.  Take some breathing space, spend time with friends and things can become clearer.

We are always here on this site, to lend an ear and offer support.  You are not alone  

JP

x

[Take2]

It's a special kind of torment to have to go through such difficult times AND have a BPD in your life making it all about themselves.  I try to stay compassionate... .  

A special kind of torment.  That is so true.  And it makes me laugh to read that - which is a great sign for me... .  thank you.  Both of you for the posts... .    I really truly appreciate your support... .     

[Confusedandhurt]

Take2,

I'm so sorry as well to hear of the loss of your father.  i lost mine about 10 years ago after his battle with cancer.  He and my mom were living with me, so I was one of his primary caregivers.  My heart really hurts for you to deal with that and your BPD relationship.  I agree with others - sometimes it's just getting through the next 10 minutes.  At least that's the way I feel with losing my exgf.  What's worse is that in my case, she will tell me one day that she wants no contact, and then will contact me a couple weeks later for some reason or another.  It's like the pain just starts all over again.  Please know that you're in others' thoughts and prayers.

Take good care.

[Take2]

Auae1985... .    thank you.   I know that pain of being totally shut out and then pulled back in.  Went back through it yesterday... .  someone unrelated to this (coworker) triggered my grief over my father and as the ex walked me out to my car (after accusing me of craziness all afternoon), I began to cry about my dad.  His response?

Leave as quickly as possible as I sat there crying in my car.  Not about him nor related to his bizarre delusions about me?  he's clearly just not capable of being empathetic or supportive for me.  He texted me about 10 minutes later to tell me he is worried about me.  Really?  No.  I'm lucky to have a couple very close friends who know what I'm going through and I was already on the phone to one of them.  I'm also so glad I found this board.  thank you... .