Cycling of emotions?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been noticing, or had a eureka moment, that my dBPDgf will often be terribly hurt or sick (waifish) after a rage or breakdown.  I suppose its very much the face of this, especially considering the book "I hate you, don't leave me" which I've yet to read.  Is this a part of it?  I'm mad and going to be an emotional firestorm of hate and anger, please help me I'm not well?  It's very confusing, but effective.  The moment I want to leave, her problems prick the part of me that cares, and just in case she's telling the truth, I have to be considerate.  Like today, we had an argument that escalated quickly and ended with me being the "bad guy" and her thinking of finding somewhere else to live, and this morning she texts me and tells me she's been throwing up and having hot flashes.  It's so confusing, and I don't know what to do.  She lashes out and it reminds me of how badly I want to leave, almost reminding me of who I am, and the she turns into the victim and "needs" me.  A part of me wants to call it a lie, but I can't stop myself from being concerned.  I just wish I could say to myself "I'm doing this for me, I can't handle this relationship and I need to get out."  and take those steps, but I keep getting dragged back in.  I just want to be able to have a normal night, do something I want to do alone, or make a minor mistake without the whole night being ruined by her outbursts.  I suppose this is more of a rant than a question, but still... .  needed to say something.

[Winglessfallen]

I've been noticing, or had a eureka moment, that my dBPDgf will often be terribly hurt or sick (waifish) after a rage or breakdown.  I suppose its very much the face of this, especially considering the book "I hate you, don't leave me" which I've yet to read.  Is this a part of it?  I'm mad and going to be an emotional firestorm of hate and anger, please help me I'm not well?  It's very confusing, but effective.  The moment I want to leave, her problems prick the part of me that cares, and just in case she's telling the truth, I have to be considerate.  Like today, we had an argument that escalated quickly and ended with me being the "bad guy" and her thinking of finding somewhere else to live, and this morning she texts me and tells me she's been throwing up and having hot flashes.  It's so confusing, and I don't know what to do.  She lashes out and it reminds me of how badly I want to leave, almost reminding me of who I am, and the she turns into the victim and "needs" me.  A part of me wants to call it a lie, but I can't stop myself from being concerned.  I just wish I could say to myself "I'm doing this for me, I can't handle this relationship and I need to get out."  and take those steps, but I keep getting dragged back in.  I just want to be able to have a normal night, do something I want to do alone, or make a minor mistake without the whole night being ruined by her outbursts.  I suppose this is more of a rant than a question, but still... .  needed to say something.

[romancandle]

my partner does the same thing.  She will go through an episode of rage and take it out on me and push me so far away and then the next day she will be "so sick."

I am at this point very aware of her using this as a way to get me to break down because she knows that I will take care of her.

It happens everytime she goes off and then she will tell me how she has been throwing up and so sick.  I do doubt that everytime she goes off on me she gets terribly ill immediately afterwards.

[Winglessfallen]

gred -

Thats the exact situation that is happening right now.  Last night an argument escalated very quickly and no she's telling me she's been throwing up all morning.  but it happens with everything.  Yelled at because of x - next day she feels like y.  It's caused me not to trust her subconsciously and, for some reason, today it dawned on me that this is what happens.  I believe I'm going to start a notebook on it.

[tuum est61]

Winglessfallen,

The challenge is learning how to detach from our BPD partner's emotions - or more accurately - the rollercoaster of emotions that they are on.  To make things better, you can't be riding the roller coaster with them - not go too high but definitely not sink to the depths when they rage - either by raging yourself or becoming despondent about it.  

This link gives you some ideas about what it means to "emotionally detach" from your partner's behaviour while still maintaining a relationship with them.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114098.0

I've commented in another post of yours and see you start new ones on a daily basis.  I would like to keep working with you but it would be easier if you could stick with one thread (ie this one) for awhile - at least as it comes to the trying to figure out how to handle the up and down emotions of your pwBPD!  

[Winglessfallen]

I have actually detached in the past, not sinking into the dark chasm that comes from a Mohammed Ali battle royal of insults, and not soaring on the emotional anger that comes from unjustified accusations and outlandish emotional turmoil.  Enmeshment is a difficult nut to crack for me, because no matter how often I am left battered, I have always been caring about other people, as walled in as I am at the moment, and I can't help but feel like a bad person in the wake of missing a true need for help.  Like this situation.  I went home and helped her on my lunch break, and, even though my therapist told me that I should only leave work in case of life or death emergencies (a boundary we came to during yesterday's session), I offered to come home after I tied up some things at work (more because of fear of neglect for my son than for helping her).  But the whole time I doubted everything.  I had her take her temperature while I was there to see if there was any evidence (it was fine).  It just felt as though she was just pining for attention.  But what if she isn't.  What if she really needs me, and I fall short.  I can't get over that. 

As for riding the ride, it used to be easy.  I had an hour long commute to and from work, so I had time alone to release, for the most part.  Now its 2 minutes.  And I'm inundated with her and her children and my child, who is, almost always, being watched by her 10yo and cranky and clearly tired when I get home, so he is my immediate target of attention.  And i'm just tired of a guilt trip for forgetting occasionally to say "Thank you" for dinner or for sitting on the couch to draw instead of at my art table which she made room for in our room.  I can tell when its coming and I'm not doing well at laughing it off.  Unmeshing, or whatever it would be, feels like not being in a relationship, and if it feels like I'm not in a relationship, I don't want to be in a relationship.

I'm sorry I start so many threads.  I'm very scatterbrained and come up with different questions that seem off topic of another thread I've done, and it seems right to start a new one.

[tuum est61]

WF,  I get how tough this is for you - breaking out of the enmeshment.  Your therapist is seeing it.  

I think I have broken out of it for the most part  - and sometimes it bothers me when I recognize that I no longer have an emotional reaction to her outbursts.  That "non-feeling" seems like I have sold out on my relationship with my W.  

But things - our bond - have gotten better since I stopped rushing to her aid, stopped trying to fulfill a role that she prescribed and I willingly - and futilely - was trying to fill. It took time - a year or so, involving a short separation - for it to happen - and it wasn't without and escalation of conflict initially, but we reached a new equilibrium about what we should do for each other.  A key to doing so was to validate her fears as I set boundaries and "unenmeshed." - or detached from her emotions.    

For me, there is an integral relationship between detachment, boundary setting and validation.  It's tricky to get it right, but all three have to be used collaboratively to make progress.  

So in that vein, you gotta try to not react to her cries for help.  If she's running a temperature, she can take it herself to see, and set up a doctors appt on her own, or even get to the ER. When she objects about how badly your lack of support makes her feel, validate by saying that you understand that it must be difficult for her to feel you aren't supportive and leave it there.  :)on't JADE while doing it. It is what the doctor ordered by the way... .   

Stick with it and keep posting - wherever you want of course - I will track you down!