One step from losing it all...

[DyingLove]

Am I crazy? Is it possible for the whole world fall apart in 24 hours? Is it possible that I can lose my mind in that same period of time?

I haven't posted in several weeks, I've been a quiet observer, things looking like they were almost normal. In the period of one day I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't see that I've done anything wrong here, although she keeps reminding me how wrong I was to do what I did. Here's the story:

I needed to meet with a woman that I was in a relationship with and also a business partnership with yesterday. This is not something I wanted necessarily to do, but something I needed to do. It was a matter of some financial papers that needed to be signed involving a bank loan. My significant other went to work as usual at 7 AM. The meeting was scheduled for 9 o'clock at my home. To make a long story short, I spent an hour with the ex-partner, I was a perfect gentleman, I did nothing out of the ordinary that I wouldn't do if my significant other was there. There was some conversation and a cuppa coffee before we needed to go to see a notary. After the notary I was driven to my driveway where I entered my home once again alone. So the amount of time I spent was from 9:15 AM until 11 AM. After texting my significant other and telling her that I was home and finished she began questioning me about the hour that I spent in the house with the X. I was totally sympathetic to her feelings of jealousy and insecurity, of course I'm a man and she's a woman, and my answer would never be right even with a normal individual. But I proceeded to tell her how are meeting went and that it was totally innocent and non-inappropriate. Little did I know how this incident was going to skyrocket into many many different areas of argument.

Living with a BPD person, has caused me to run hot and cold almost as bad as she does. I'm in a position where I don't have anyone to talk to accept her.(Of course I have these forms also, thank God).

This morning I woke up very depressed. I got up and struggled through the normal morning routine, I did not make a big breakfast for everyone but I did make the significant other a bagel and coffee. The morning was very quiet, dark and the air was thick. She called me during the car trip to work, we spoke rather nicely although there was still attitude from her and depression on my end. Afterwards I went back to sleep till 10 o'clock, two hours desperately needed. I felt better when I woke, centering text wishing that she had a wonderful morning, to which she replied as good as can be expected. That noontime, lunchtime for her, she called me and things seemed slightly better. Shortly down the conversation Road she had misunderstood something I said to her, once again thinking that I was putting her actions down. She's got that problem always thinking I'm putting her down and she could never do anything right. I could explain till I'm blue in the face and only become more and more frustrated. By the end of our conversation we were right back where we started, she was trying to explain how my actions made her feel by telling me how wrong I was for what I have done. I know that I have not done anything wrong, hence I did obviously not react the way she wanted.

Now I know this part was wrong of me and it was only the human being and self-defense coming out of me. I proceeded to tell her how insecure I felt in our relationship, and how quickly I felt the ship was sinking once again. Those weren't my exact words, I can't even remember at this point exactly the way I said it. Why is it that whenever this happens, I always feel that she has the upper hand in the argument or conversation? If anybody remembers my "saga" from previous posts, you might remember that I left everything in New York to come and be with her in Florida. So I feel totally isolated here as well as helpless. I know I know I know, this is not helping me one bit, I don't have the energy and drive and ambition to pull my head out of my butt right now. So like a frightened child, here I am writing to the BPD online community for some warmth and attention. I guess I should stop right here and wait to hear from somebody, anybody. I am so wrapped up in my own head right now and I know that I have to get out desperately. Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BPDhostage]

You didn't do anything wrong. For the Non-BPD we are all so hyper aware of what we do and how we do it, say it, whatever... .  Because we know if we step off those eggshells even for a second, then the BPD BULL(bully?) is going to charge at us. It's like the Kobiashi-maru test in Star Trek--the no win scenario. I get you feeling isolated and depressed too. That's what the BPD wants. They want to isolate and box you into their world, and only their world so that you can't and won't leave them. Hugs to you,me and to all of us who have to put up with the destroyer of relationships that is BPD.

[hithere]

Do you see a therapist?

Two things come to my mind from your story.

1.

You know your BPDw is jealous, why not meet your ex business partner at the notary, why have her come over for coffee?

2.

I proceeded to tell her how insecure I felt in our relationship, and how quickly I felt the ship was sinking once again.

You state the above but you also said earlier that everything was normal and it was just this 24 hours that set things off.  So you felt the above way only in the last 24 hours?  I think you may be burying your feelings?

[DyingLove]

Thank you BPDhostage,

It was tough waiting for somebody to reply, but your reply was worth it. And I thank you for it. Yes I certainly feel bullied. I guess it's the eggshell thing but I always feel like I'm going to do something and lose her in my relationship. On the other hand I know it should be her worrying about losing me. I do make the mistake and gesture that which she rather have me or not have me. Then she cross examines me and it boils down to me saying that I'm leaving. I made that mistake early on in the relationship by saying that I might leave,, but I was under a lot of stress and just venting without really meaning that I would leave. But that's before I learned a lot about BPD. Oh yes I still make the same mistakes because I'm only human, I say the same dumb things that a man would say speaking to a woman(not disrespectful or hurtful though). I guess I'm guilty of being a human being, a man, a live in the human race, I guess we could add other things in here. During the day I spend a lot of time idle, because I can't build up my ambition to go on with the day, with my business, just daily things that used to be done without any thought, and now I need to look at them as if they were monumental tasks.

What makes me really want to take a crowbar to my own head, is that I know tomorrow or the day after it'll be as if this did not happen. Well let's just say that I hope it all goes away. I have nowhere to go right now, no money to do it, no ambition to follow through on my thoughts... .  I just feel like I want to curl up in a corner and go unconscious to make the pain and twisting knots in my stomach go away.

I think one part of your reply to me that nearly gave me weak knees was the hugs you sent. There's a time for hugs, real hugs that make a person feel worthy.

Even as I write this to you, I question in my own head in the background: is she being a bully? Is she being just a hurt woman? What is really the truth without the BPD coloration?

The barrage of apologies yesterday did not subside her suspiciousness of me with the X in our home. In the past I've had words with her about her ex,, that he's a terrible person, an ex-con, manipulating, Disney dad to his seven-year-old, and the list goes on. She actually compared my actions to me having words with her in the past about him. I proceeded to tell her that in the past she had stuck up for her ex telling me how he wasn't such a bad person and that one time there used to be love between him and her. She does this often, seemingly bringing up things that are irrelevant to defend herself against me. Once again as many times as I tell her she need not defend herself, we are a couple, it is you and I in this relationship doing things together... .  it just seems so futile.

Several weeks ago, it was approximately her second or third visit with a psychologist, I was actually so happy that she decided to seek help, but boy was I surprised when she came out and mentioned certain things that the psychologist had told her. These things seemed nearly 180° of what I thought she should have been told. That got me wondering if I'm the one who's wrong? Or is it the psychologist not understanding the situation? Or is it my significant other painting a different picture of things? Maybe all the above. I feel like I could just rattle on and on and on right now. I've got so much to say and no one to listen to me,, until now. Did you ever wish that somebody would just come along and scoop you up out of your situation, put a hand on your shoulder or a hug and say there there everything's gonna be okay, and just let you sleep for two days straight, and let you get back on your feet. Well if there is somebody in the world for me, I need them right now. I know I'm better than everything that's going on. Joking around, I always used to say that I would make some woman a wonderful husband. I found that I, lately, am a househusband. That's about all I've had the energy to be. There are mornings I wake up and seemingly have regained my energy and drive to restart my business here in Florida. And then other mornings just the opposite, wondering how I could possibly pull this off again. Gee, coffee sounds good right now! Anybody like a cup? :-)

[DyingLove]

Do you see a therapist?

Two things come to my mind from your story.

1.

You know your BPDw is jealous, why not meet your ex business partner at the notary, why have her come over for coffee?

2.

I proceeded to tell her how insecure I felt in our relationship, and how quickly I felt the ship was sinking once again.

You state the above but you also said earlier that everything was normal and it was just this 24 hours that set things off.  So you felt the above way only in the last 24 hours?  I think you may be burying your feelings?

Hi there Hithere, Yep, she is jealous and insecure but this incident did not happen out of the blue. I did tell her it was going to take place. On my part I did not see that it was going to become an issue. Am I insensitive? I don't think so. It's not like I told her this is how it's going to be end of story. I realize at this point I should have met her outside the house, the X that is. I do not have a vehicle, so when something like this happens I am at the mercy of the other person or walking to somewhere local. But if I would have met her at McDonald's, with the significant other also have had a problem with this? In other words no matter what I did, with there be some type of circumstance that I was corralled into being wrong about. As far as burying my feelings,, if I'm understanding you correctly of course,, yes I know that BPD is lurking in the background and I do walk on eggshells often, and when things seem normal, I take a normal stance on them also. In other words, when things are bad I walk on eggshells and when things are not bad I try to act like the normal me. No I do not see a therapist, not for me that is. I do a lot of thinking, I look inward a lot, I also do a lot of research on the web, and I try to put most things into some type of logical perspective. Am I a hundred percent normal, no freaking way! Am I a hundred percent crazy, once again no freaking way! I am 57 years old, a father of a wonderful 38-year-old young man who has his own computer business and turned out no less than the ideal son to me. I've made it this far and it has not been peanut butter and jelly every step of the way. I've always taken the good with the bad, and I know I can be a hard ass at times too. These are things that I freely admit to and I usually don't blame but only as a last resort. That is kind of why I question my own actions and motives first.

I do have one further meeting with the X coming up somewhere in the near future. If I've learned anything I've learned this: we will meet in the driveway and not set foot in the house. Just as before, I told my significant other that she can be here with us, take off work or just go into work late to be here with me. I think I've addressed it all... .  there is just so much!

[hithere]

In other words no matter what I did

Yes, I have no doubt that something about this meeting would have triggered an episode, such is BPD, the illness that keeps on giving :-)

I was not judging whether you were right or wrong, I was merely stating from my own experience, having a woman, friend or ex, in the house alone would always set her off, this I knew.

I did not ask you about therapy because I thought something was wrong with you, although I guess something at least small is wrong with everyone.  I asked that because I could not imagine staying in a relationship with a person with BPD and not getting therapy.

I also guess being in a relationship with someone that has BPD does alter your definition of normal, so your normal is just not having to be walking on egg shells? But you still have those negative feelings about the relationship all the time?

Either way, I don't have any definitive answers for you. But good luck and stay strong, don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek a bit of help.

[DyingLove]

In other words no matter what I did

Yes, I have no doubt that something about this meeting would have triggered an episode, such is BPD, the illness that keeps on giving :-)

I was not judging whether you were right or wrong, I was merely stating from my own experience, having a woman, friend or ex, in the house alone would always set her off, this I knew.

I did not ask you about therapy because I thought something was wrong with you, although I guess something at least small is wrong with everyone.  I asked that because I could not imagine staying in a relationship with a person with BPD and not getting therapy.

I also guess being in a relationship with someone that has BPD does alter your definition of normal, so your normal is just not having to be walking on egg shells? But you still have those negative feelings about the relationship all the time?

Either way, I don't have any definitive answers for you. But good luck and stay strong, don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek a bit of help.

I'm definitely not embarrassed to seek help. Also above all else I did not take offense to any of your comments or questions whatsoever. We've got to be open to things, if we don't know what it is we also don't know what it isn't that's one of my favorite sayings. I had no clue being in the house would trigger anything, I'm still learning about the triggers. As much as she seemed okay with everything prior to the incident, after the incident was a different story. On a good day, when I'm not walking on eggshells and when the significant other is acting rather normal, I'm sitting on top of the world! I've always been a go-getter and a man of ambition. Being in business for myself is what makes it all feel right. I enjoy the challenge of life, and obviously I'm a glutton for punishment. I'm not a quitter by any means whatsoever. When I fell in love with my significant other, well let's just say I was in deep already. When you truly love somebody there doesn't seem to be fire or exit door. So what goes on in your head when you love somebody doesn't necessarily reflect what you will actually do. What I mean by that is, I understand that it would be in my own benefit to leave the situation... .  hence I defend myself with some type of verbiage regarding either leaving or why am I here or would you rather me be here etc. and I know damn well that I am not going to hightail it out the door. This actually pisses me off because I know it's a weakness, and I am certainly cajoled into a corner quite often because I do not follow up on any childish threats that I may insinuate.

I don't think I'm looking for a definitive answer, there probably is none. If your lug nuts come loose often, you break out the lug wrench and tighten them. You just got a be careful not to over tighten.

As was said earlier, about how BPD years will corner you so that you won't leave them,, well if that was the only case, in my situation I probably wouldn't mind. When I first came on these forums and started reading I realized that BPD'ers often left the people that they were with... .  now this actually scared me! I don't plan on leaving but to think that she might leave me once again kills my security. I guess we could only take it one step at a time, but quite often when I feel that I am not in the wrong, she will find a way to make me feel like I am. Now that is painful.