5 and a half months detaching and healing. How can I be here?

[morningagain]

Email to my eldest (25 yr old) son.  The parent/child roles have been reversed since my separation.  I could not bear the unbearable pain - 7 and a half weeks of seriously averaging 2 hrs sleep per night.  Pain so bad I had no physical sensation of snapping my toe perpendicular to my foot.  Reached down, snapped it back.  Everything was surreal then.  Everything is surreal again now.  The pain is returning.  Here is my email to my son:

[BPDw] called again this morning.

I am really working the mindful thing.

Back to having conversations with her in my head.  Millions of thoughts.  How to say this or that.  knowing her disorder.  Knowing she tends to say what she feels in the moment and believe what she says.  Know she lies.  Knowing she goes into survival mode.  Knowing she wants to get [NPD daughter] back.  She agrees [NPD daughter] needs to be in a residential PD treatment center to have hope at a life that is not a repeat of [NPD mother in law] life.  At least she agreed verbally.  She probably believed it.  her belief could flip on a dime.  She suggested ways in which she is not a good full-time mother to [NPD daughter] and that [NPD daughter] is probably better off where she is.  If [NPD daughter] were in a treatment center and called crying and wanting to come home or called playing [BPDw] that she was all better and wanted to come home… [BPDw] would feel what she feels in that moment and act on that feeling.

[BPDw] still wants to get back together with me.

I love her but what is love?  I have been able to not take the bait when she goes into blaming.  And she is not demanding a response.  Is this because I am giving her space or because she wants something?

Arg.

I developed BPD traits while with [BPDw] – I dunno – perhaps I had them and they just magnified?  But I am always willing to examine myself, I am not afraid of labels, i do not villainize and exclude people – I am willing to do whatever it takes.  So no, I am not BPD, but I sure am not healthy psychologically.  I may be a lot healthier, but I cannot concentrate at work.  Never could stick with a ‘no’ to [BPDw].  What makes me think I could now?  When she pulls out her myriad of destructive emotional responses?  I got to the point I wasn’t sleeping much – was sleep deprived before I got here to mn.  I was hypervigilant.  I walked on eggshells.  Tried out a million different responses to [BPDw] in my head in seconds before opening my mouth – only to be derailed by her anyway.  An ever growing list of double standards.  So many false accusations.,  jailed falsely twice and released. Dui.  Car wreck.

I tell her we both would need to heal and then come together and still work on our relationship.  She agrees but then says something else subtly different.  She does not admit to her disorder, but freely brings up traits she admits to without my asking.  This is consistent with me giving her space and her gravitating towards real acceptance and seeking therapy.  But it is also consistent with her mirroring and figuring out what it is I want to hear and being/saying that.  Both theories fit the model of BPD.  Maybe they are both true?

If I am at a point now where I can provide her with treatment – well, offer it, and she takes it,…  how can I turn my back on that potential?  :)o I not have to stay this course and support?  I cannot heal her, I cannot fix her, I cannot change her, but I can in theory encourage her and the health insurance should cover it.  but what about between now and healing?  What if it never comes?  What if I get sucked back in to the seventh layer of hell, thereby hurting her, me, you, everyone – betraying everyone who loved me so much as to support my nutbar self?

Million thoughts.  Million feelings.  Terror.  Love.  Hope.  Hope sure sucks right now.  Feeling torn into pieces.  Tearing myself apart.

I have left out 99.99% of my thoughts here.  99% of the conversation with [BPDw].  My mind is racing simultaneously on multiple tracks like it did when i was with her.

I just got to the point of radical acceptance of her disorder, peace in my soul regarding the end of the relationship, radical forgiveness of everything she has done even the outrageous wrongs.  Started working on forgiving myself.  Working on my own issues.  Whatever my scars from childhood are.  My terrible guilt for all the people I have hurt – before and since [my BPDw].  I could be manic, depressed, I even screamed at times – all before [BPDw].  I was like Wilson on House – giving until I resented I didn’t get what I needed.  I was arrogant and surly.  at times I drank too much.  at times i didn't. I blamed.  But I also loved and forgave and repented and tried and worked daggone hard and I was smart and creative and for long periods of time tireless.  Then I met [BPDw].  At first it was amazing.  I had infinite patience, I was even smarter and more creative, worked even harder.  Started repairing some of the damage I had done earlier in my life. Then…bit by bit, block by block, my new beautiful mansion of myself and my life began to come undone.  A wall sagged.  An interior room wrecked by a plumbing burst.  Explosions from without and within.  The roof collapsed.  Still I carried on…until everything was leveled and I woke up in intensive care trying to pull the plug.

Ultimately, I healed a lot.  Walking again, dressing and feeding myself.  I have begun to make plans for my life.

Now in many ways I am a better man.  In at least some ways I am presently worse – ashamed at my low productivity.  Ashamed at my self-humiliation and weaknesses.  Yet acknowledging I am human, working on forgiving myself, being patient and working on healing.  Starting to believe I will get there and more than survive – perhaps one day make my children proud of me.

And I love her, gave her up, would give her up again for her sake, want desperately for her to heal, cannot change her or fix her.  And I want to hold her.  I want the chance.  Feel like I am being sucked back in ill-equipped and still covered in burns from the last raging battle.

I love her.  God help me.

Love,

Dad

[morningagain]

this letter to a friend may be a little more coherent:

She called again this morning.  I was trying to talk to her about her getting therapy.  Started out well - she agreed her daughter needs to be in a residential PD treatment center.

I am soo weak.

Our discussion got around to the potential of her and I getting back together.  She is still living with her boyfriend.  I have no money.  I should thank God for that because lack of ability to support even myself may be the only thing keeping me from driving 1400 miles to hold her in my arms.

she was mixing deflection with some admissions of disordered behaviors.  a year ago i would call this great progress.  now i do not know what to believe.  i want to believe it is just a matter of me remaining patient, not engaging the false realities she creates, validating the truth in her statements without agreeing with the absurdities.  and then she will get treatment and stick with it.

she agrees we need to both get healthier and come back together and keep working on improving the relationship.  why am i entertaining this discussion while she is living with and sleeping with another man?  i tell myself because she is my wife.  and there is no good place for her to go.  certainly not her NPD mother's.  i have no money to pay for a place for her.

i know the only point to our discussions should be to deal with technical issues like insurance and the divorce (she offered to sign back over my company stock to me that we co-own when i put her name on with mine).  she tells me it is ok if i follow through with the divorce.  she is being very mature and reasonable on some aspects - and then she hangs her hat on some psych eval she received from d.s.s. that refutes her BPD diagnosis.

today i am questioning myself.  wonder at times if i have BPD.  but no, i do not.  yes i do have other emotional/psychological issues.  at least some of which i have identified including my f.o.o. and i am working so hard on mindfulness.  i want to hold her in my arms.  and i cringe at saying something so unmanly, but i am terrified of getting back together and i am ashamed at my weakness.  i never seem to give up hope on things, yet i finally managed to accept the end of the r/s, and i radically accepted her disorder which led me to radically forgiving her everything - even those things i believe she did choose to do NOT because of the disorder and she is not repentant for.  like the mystic waif she is so well, she somehow knew this and calls me.  not only calls me but wants to get back together.  when i turn her down she is gracious.  then brings it up again.  she did some blaming and i did not take the bait, and in turn she did not demand answers.  i know why and how i am not taking the bait - a lot of work, lessons from bpdfamily boards - and it is not very easy for some of her blame-statements.  i do not take the bait when she refutes her disorder. yet she admits to elements of it.  but she has altered for the better her responses in our interchange.  is this because i am giving her the room to breathe and i am validating better?  or does she just want something?  she has many benefits to engaging me like this - her b.f. is uneducated, part time out of work, part time in work, has many dui's but claims to be clean for over a year.  been in jail for robbery as well.  her r/s with him is keeping her from getting her daughter back.

if i were to reconcile (ignore the money for a moment) would i actually be able to withstand her pressure?  so many subtly controlling behaviors she employs that she may or may not be aware of what she is doing.

i am an idiot.

i do not miss the turmoil, the accusations, the endless double standards, the catch-22's, the lies, the cheating (that she still denies - like it even makes a difference to me at this point if she didnt actually sleep with the men she spent all night partying with)

but we cannot even engage on topics because i know this will take us straight back to the maelstrom.

dang it.  she needs to heal, she needs therapy, i am trying to make it clear to her that I can provide that help if she chooses it.  but like a dragon i thought i had slain, i want the chance to try with her again.  but i just can't.  but i just cannot stop myself.

if i follow the rules learned here, mindfulness, validations, etc., she is admitting more and being more reasonable.  but i cannot trust myself - cannot trust my reactions when she goes full blown off the reservation.  how can i possibly be a caretaker, lover and husband all at the same time?  i would have to switch roles in a heartbeat at any moment.

we created the perfect storm together.  i became hypervigilant.  i never trusted her, where she was going, who she was with.  i yelled and threw things out the door.  i drank to cope.  i walked on eggshells.  i examined a million different responses to her in seconds before responding to her, only to be derailed every time.  i triggered her and pursued and tried and tried and drove her away.  i became withdrawn and isolated.  hope was bludgeoned and smashed and resurrected many times.  finally, i gave up hope one last time.  i achieved peace in my soul - even with lingering depression and inability to function at work - for her and our marriage and the end of our marriage i had finally achieved peace.

now, the waif is back, but i see the disorder.  i see much more of my own disorder or issues or whatever.  i was triggered into BPD-like symptoms.  and mania that was gone for years.  and depression.  i humiliated myself when she wasn't humiliating me.  i could not say no to her.  i lost my self respect and my identity.

and i love her?  what is love?  is love irrational?  or is irrationality not love?  i would truly gladly give her up to treatment and her living a full life with someone else.

if she were to heal, i were to be able to support her choice to heal.  i would thank God every day.  with her or without her.  i cannot turn my back, but i cannot take a step forward either.

i am a mess.

[tuum est61]

Michael999,

My friend, your letters focus on her need to heal, but you need to heal yourself first.  The content of your letters - and the fact you shared it with your son and your friend - tell me that you've a ways to go on the healing path.  

"5 and a half months detaching and healing"  

You don't seem detached at all - your words reflect that you are finely attuned to your wife's emotions and not much in touch with yours.  

What things have you done to try to get healthy?  

[morningagain]

Michael999,

My friend, your letters focus on her need to heal, but you need to heal yourself first.  The content of your letters - and the fact you shared it with your son and your friend - tell me that you've a ways to go on the healing path.  

"5 and a half months detaching and healing"  

You don't seem detached at all - your words reflect that you are finely attuned to your wife's emotions and not much in touch with yours.  

Tuum - I am fascinated by your response.  One of my traits in the relationship that developed over time was my own emotions tracking hers.  Towards the end maybe not as much, but certainly for an extended period of time.  I didn't get that and do not see that from my letters.  I am sincerely hoping this is an opportunity to learn something about myself.  Will you explain what you read in my letters that led you to that conclusion?

Thank you,

Michael

p.s.  trying to get healthy?  therapy, lots of reading here, lots of posting, some workshops, forcing myself to get out with small successes, accepting reality, accepting the end of the r/s, forgiving, praying, distracting myself, mindfulness, letting go again and again as i discovered deeper elements of the attachment - now it seems I have regressed a great deal, yet i am still feeling at peace with letting her go - all conflicting and confusing in a way though

[Suzn]

Micheal you seem to be spinning. I'm sorry this is so hard right now.    Her healing is not your responsibility, you can't do it for her. If she is serious about getting help she needs to be the one to seek it out, on her own.

Part of your recovery has been about being able to step aside from this relationship and look back at it for what it's been so you can think more clearly. You're seeing a therapist now? That's awesome, kudos to you.

Take a look to the right of this post, there's a guide to "Choosing a Path". This will be very helpful to you. Take the time, for you, to assess whether or not you feel "healthy" enough to be in a relationship right now. You are worth the time my friend. 

[tuum est61]

Tuum - I am fascinated by your response.  One of my traits in the relationship that developed over time was my own emotions tracking hers.  Towards the end maybe not as much, but certainly for an extended period of time.  I didn't get that and do not see that from my letters.  I am sincerely hoping this is an opportunity to learn something about myself.  Will you explain what you read in my letters that led you to that conclusion?

Thank you,

Michael

p.s.  trying to get healthy?  therapy, lots of reading here, lots of posting, some workshops, forcing myself to get out with small successes, accepting reality, accepting the end of the r/s, forgiving, praying, distracting myself, mindfulness, letting go again and again as i discovered deeper elements of the attachment - now it seems I have regressed a great deal, yet i am still feeling at peace with letting her go - all conflicting and confusing in a way though

Mike, I tend to be a little blunt - so bear with me.  

You are still very focused on her healing - you say so several times in your two letters. You are still monitoring how she feels about you and your relationship with her extremely intently.

I don't think it's just me - Suzn picked up on it too.  Go back and read the letters. You have not detached from how your W feels. You are thinking constantly about it and it is driving you to despair - paralleling (mirroring) the pain she feels due to her BPD. Your capacity to do so is in fact why she says she wants you back. The man she's with may or may not be able to do that. But it's an extremely unhealthy "skill".

I am still with my UBPDw, but the detachment from her feelings when she dysregulates has been fundamental to my ability to stay. I think it will be fundamental to your ability to remain physically detached - and even your capacity to stay with her if you do end up trying to reconcile.  The bottom line is that you need to focus on you so you can handle whatever comes your way regarding this relationship or a new one.  

Re getting healthy - it's great you are going to therapy and undertaking all the introspection, but I am looking more for more externally focused activities.  Have you ramped up your connections with family and friends - and by that I don't include writing them letters about your relationship. Have you set some goals regarding your physical health?  Are you doing any "new" things - hobbies, sports, etc - perhaps things you stopped doing as a result of the ow BPD in your life?

If this is all perplexing, don't worry, it was for me as well.  But you will get a lot of great support here - even if you think mine is a little questionable. 

[morningagain]

tuum - actually finding your feedback pretty cool.  gives me something interesting and about me to think about, rather than getting re-obsessed (probably still-obsessed) with her.  and i agree it is an unhealthy 'skill' (more like a self-created affliction).  I have been getting better at detaching from her when there was no contact (except what was going on in my head) - i was able to more and more distance my self and free up that "rental space in my head".  being so attuned to anyone else's state or feelings cannot be healthy or helpful in any relationship - not to the extent I have trained myself to do, anyway.

suzn - thank you - it is amazing how something so obvious escapes me when i am so enmeshed - you are way cool, too.  logically, going to the lessons on this board should have been my first step - i been around here for awhile - but i didn't even think about it.

oh - and yeah, i get together with my eldest son about 3 times a month, and got invited over to my youngest brother's last week.  still being patient waiting for my other three children to want to spend some time with me.  planning on canoeing & fishing & camping, but 2 things are impediments: funds and the lakes are frozen.

[Clearmind]

Being hyper focused on her is numbing the need to concentrate on you.

Michael, is there a support group in your area you can attend? I wonder whether emails to your son is really the place for you to gain support.

[morningagain]

Being hyper focused on her is numbing the need to concentrate on you.

Michael, is there a support group in your area you can attend? I wonder whether emails to your son is really the place for you to gain support.

Hey CM,

Yeah - thank you for the observations.  I have been transitioning to more and more talking and emailing my son only about other stuff - work, hockey, how he and his gf are doing, etc.  The parent child role has been reversed - i knew it but was hanging on a thread for so long.  i have a therapist and other support systems in place now, so i REALLY appreciate your advice - time to relieve him of the burdens I have been placing on him.

I just found a new therapist with more specific experience with spouses of BPD and CBT and some other related stuff.  At least that is what she claims.  I will find out.

I am needing less raw-get-me-off-the-coals-emotional-support, and more specific help to get me to improve my concentration and productivity, deal with other stuff more effectively.

I did look around several times for group support - tried some - looked again recently - nothing that I have found in the group venue fits - but maybe the new therapist will help.

hyper-numbed - excellent observation - thank you darlin'!   

[Clearmind]

In thinking about you try to think past your ex.

Think of your coping skills prior to your ex, your relationships prior, your family of origin etc. I'm sure your therapist can help you delve back there. Do you guide your therapy sessions or does your therapist?

Group therapy in the USA: www.therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

[morningagain]

In thinking about you try to think past your ex.

Think of your coping skills prior to your ex, your relationships prior, your family of origin etc. I'm sure your therapist can help you delve back there. Do you guide your therapy sessions or does your therapist?

Group therapy in the USA: www.therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

Clearmind - Your are right - I have been delving into my coping skills prior to my ex, prior relationships, my family of origin.  Seems to help me a lot.  My current therapist is a very sweet lady, but I guide the therapy sessions - sometimes I wait... .  but it is always me guiding them.  This has been the catalyst for me to find another therapist.  The therapy has not hurt, it has been therapeutic on general well being, express what i think and feel in a safe environment setting - but I believe I could make much faster progress at this point by being challenged.  Sometimes it really hurts and sucks to be challenged, sometimes I think I know better anyway and I have been both right and wrong when I "knew better" - but I feel I really need, right now, to dig deep into my garbage.  I think and hope I am ready.

and thank you for the link - i will click on it next... .  

[tuum est61]

I have been transitioning to more and more talking and emailing my son only about other stuff - work, hockey, how he and his gf are doing, etc.  The parent child role has been reversed - i knew it but was hanging on a thread for so long.  i have a therapist and other support systems in place now, so i REALLY appreciate your advice - time to relieve him of the burdens I have been placing on him.