help calling all grandmas and legal advice

[mggt]

HI Im back again had talk with d about what if found out about new bf on social site of course she blamed me .  he is a real scrape  (something on the bottom of your shoe u scrape off) i keep on saying i am going to go for custody for our gd so much to think about her poor judgement in men number one her low self esteem drinking drugging anger violence towards me and my husband verbal and physical we had police here many times before she left she was arrested once on domestic violence against my husband charges were dropped pregnant four times in 18 months 2 abortions 1 miscarraige and 1 birth our gd now 1yrs old broke up with ex bf baby daddy 5 months ago due to her BPD but blamed all on him she is now living with exbf parents because we had to call cops on her after she lived here to 2 months had to come home  from vacation because exbf kicked her out and they had fight she said he stomped on her foot so she cracked him in the head broke hand had to get operation on hand and put metalbf plates in it.  that is y we came home  he exbf is now with a 16 year old girl and does  not live with his parents that is why our d is living there if you were wondering because they are mad at him and we cant have her here.  i babysit 4 days a week for gd thank god  i try to help her every which way dbt for years every med rtc 1 year dx with BPD she still blames  everyone else her exbf parents dont know about her diagnosis i cant have talk with them because they will never understand it im still afraid for her and trying to protect her but on the other hand i am seriously thinking about legal custody .  what to do she is so nasty to us all the time i asked her to come over so we could discuss the new boyfriend and she said no and when she  drops gd off in morning just drops her off swears f this f that and leaves.  she has been in hospitals at least 7 times due to her illness along with trying to kill herself she has  been cutting since she was at 12 years old we  have been to numerous t meds everything cant think of anything else but cant watch my gd go through all of her mothers moods madness anger men drinking drugs my gd will be a neurotic mess  any legal or nana advice please

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

mggt,

 They like to keep children with bio parents.  If she was living with you it would be easier.  Have you sought any legal advice?  You can even seek information via legal forums online.

When my gs(6yo) was two, I wanted to pursue custody.  However, I learned that chances were slim to none for me.  The bio dad would not agree to it.  The bio dad had no legal issues.  So,  I would have been fightng a losing battle.   My dd may have lost custody due to drug issues, but there was still the dad.  So, I had no case.

What do you mean by trying to protect your dd?  I would be careful in telling her about you wanting to pursue custody.  :)o you think that she may withold your gd from you?  I would seek legal advice before mentioning anymore to your dd.

Nana advice -  Just try to give your gd as much stability as you possibly can.

Wait, OTOH, it depends on the state that you live in.  CA is grandparent friendly.  I am sorry that you are going this.   

peaceplease

[vivekananda]

Hi mggt,

It sounds like you are really angry with your dd for the poor decisions she makes. It is hurtful when we see the ones we love making their lives more difficult and affecting the most vulnerable - children. I would really like to caution you though in how you communicate with your dd. If you are communicating with her when you are angry, that is a recipe for disaster. If you are threatening her with a custody battle, you may lose out big time. Please be careful.

I have learnt that I cannot change my dd, all I can change is myself, so that is where I have concentrated my energies. So, my advice to you is too seek advice re custody in your state - try googling it, why not? And learn what we here are also learning:

give me grace to accept what I can't change (you can't change your dd); strength to change what I can (yourself) - and the wisdom to understand the difference between these two. Give me the capacity to live with integrity according to my values.

If you wish to be successful in a custody battle, it will be important that you are able to provide the emotional environment that will be better than the one your dd can provide. Therefore, it is important you begin to work on yourself.

You will have the strength and support of us here,

Vivek    

[mggt]

thank you all for your advice i am in mass. what i mean by protecting her is dont want everyone to think bad of her all these years i have been protecting her alot of people dont know what BPD is and when  they look it up omg sounds like they are crazy as loons i love my d so much so my first instinct is to protect but it too much now that we a gd i keep on pushing her out of the way of a freight train she keeps jumping in front of it i push her out of the way she jumps in front of it again how much longer can i do this i feel no matter what we do she justs keeps on jumping infront of the train and now there is my grandaughter she is bringing her along for the crazy crazy ride not sure if i can live with myself unless i do something to protect gd  i  am so confused dont know what to do

[lbjnltx]

Greetings to you mggt,

Glad that you are here looking for support and aswers.  So very sad to hear that your little gd is being dragged through the chaos... .  so frightening.  When we are making decision from a place of fear we are rarely logical or confident in our decisions.

The best remedy for fear is knowledge and the best foundation for confidence is skills.

There is much to learn and this will take time and effort.  Please be patient with self as you begin this process.

Have you read this?

What is the story on "Grandparents' Rights?

lbjnltx

[peaceplease]

mggt,

What Vivek  said is true.  We cannot change them.  We can change how we react to them.  Learning that is a huge help.  I can understand your anger, I have been there.

And, lbj gave you a good link. I  forgot all about that one.  Read all that you can.  This board and therapy saved my sanity.

There is much info about validation and boundaries on these boards.  Also, some great books and resources lsited.  Let us know if you need help with anything else.

I know that you hurt for your dd.  And, like, Vivek  mentioned verses from the Serenity prayer.   You, dd, and gd will be in my thoughts and prayers.  

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

mggt -     Glad to see you back here - letting us know more about you story and what kind of support you need. Keep coming back - we understand the grief and pain of being the mom and grandma in your situation.

thank you all for your advice i am in mass. what i mean by protecting her is dont want everyone to think bad of her all these years i have been protecting her alot of people dont know what BPD is and when  they look it up omg sounds like they are crazy as loons i love my d so much so my first instinct is to protect but it too much now that we a gd i keep on pushing her out of the way of a freight train she keeps jumping in front of it i push her out of the way she jumps in front of it again how much longer can i do this i feel no matter what we do she justs keeps on jumping infront of the train and now there is my grandaughter she is bringing her along for the crazy crazy ride not sure if i can live with myself unless i do something to protect gd  i  am so confused dont know what to do

Sometimes we have to find the strength and courage to step out of our BPDkids way and let them step in front of the train - all the while praying for them to survive. Like others have shared, all I can do is work to get myself stronger. This way, when to opportunity come along, I can shift how I relate to my DD. Even though she is still 'under the bus' she keeps stepping in front of, things are better in our relationship with each other. She will be going to jail most likely in a month or so for not doing any of her probation requirements.

The thing for me is that as long as DD will not own her pain and become willing to work for a different path in her life - and I have done ALL I CAN to put opportunities in front her for this - well she will just keep limping along on her current journey. Yes, I do sometimes still 'rescue' her. But more and more this is just by listening to her, loving her by not speaking any of the judgements or advice in my mind, finding ways to protect my own values and integrity as we try to stay connected. It has taken me lots of lots of learning and practicing of new skills (most learned from here, or from books I learned about here) to shift things in this new direction FOR ME AND MY FAMILY. DD is still mostly the same DD - she just does not vent her rage in our home anymore. This is a miracle to me.

So keep loving the gd any chance you get. Learn to truly let go of having any influence on your DD - her lifestyle, her choice of bf's, etc. And figure out how to protect your rights in your state with you gd - with or without legal custody .

Here are some links for info on grandparents rights in MA. THis might be a good place to start - custody could come later.

www.lawlib.state.ma.us/subject/about/grandparent.html

www.grandparentsforchildren.org/news_details.asp?id=78

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

One of the best books out there right now is "Overcoming BPD" by VAlerie Porr. It has a focus on the family trying to make the most of r/s with their BPDkid.

Here is a review:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.40#lastPost

qcr  

[mggt]

THANK YOU all for your kind words and advice it really helps .I will check out those books and sites you all suggested take care and keep good thoughts for all of us