Mostly I just think my job Is the problem. I was never happy with it and I feel if I never would've worked here I would've been happier overall and might have had a different outcome with her.
I guess I'm in denial at current moment as I'm still trying to blame myself for her cheating on me twice with two different men from her office. Yuck.
So... . if I understand your reasoning here, you were cheated on because you were unhappy with your job? Does that make sense to you?
Do you think there could be some other reason your ex cheated that has nothing to do with you or whether you like your job? Like, I don't know, say maybe a
personality disorder?
Honestly if I could find a new job with normal hours, which are apparently no longer normal but a rarity, I think I would hit and stay in acceptance.
You have said you feel stuck in your job and in your life in general. If so, this goal of looking for a different job might be part of a plan for helping yourself feel unstuck. It might be something good you could do to take care of yourself. Do you have a plan for getting unstuck? What steps do you need to take in order to find another job?
That said, I'm not sure it's fair to you to blame your job for your having trouble detaching. Maybe it's related, maybe not. A new job might help you feel better, it might not. I think the key to your happiness is somewhere inside yourself, and that your job really isn't the culprit here. You say you ruminate when you are stressed... . Stress will still occur even with a new career. You are ruminating for a reason (even if at this point you are not aware of he automatic thoughts). Have you thought about what you are getting out of it? Are you trying to soothe yourself? Beat yourself up? Maybe your r/s was so stressful that you are having a Pavlovian response?
To give you an example, I used to ruminate about an ex. I finally figured out I was doing it when I was having abandonment fears. Fantasizing about the ex gave me some sense of a backup plan... . I imagined it was some kind of ideal love that would always be here even if my next r/s ended (soothing myself), and I also imagined that it had devastated him when I left and I felt guilty about that (blaming myself). Once I became aware of what I was trying to get out of the ruminations, I was able to address my thinking and find other ways to cope with my underlying issues.
Do you have a T who can help guide you through this process? Have you read the "10 Beliefs That Can Keep You Stuck" article here at bpdfamily.com?
Wishing you peace,
PF
I chuckled at the first part of this response. But my only "what if" that remains is what if I would have had a job where I would have been happier like she was with her job.
She accused me of being mopey and I know there were days where I could have sucked it up much better and just been happier and appreciated what I had as she also constantly stated.
I guess I'm wondering if I gave it my all. I feel like I did. Her family even said I deserved better and she just wasn't worth it.
As for my job. At the time I was underpaid and struggling to pay bills and keep up with keeping her entertained and helping pay for things for our apartment and things for her daughter. a lot of unnecessary expenses were planned out by her as she constantly shopped and believed she was taking advantages of sales and deals. Basically... . I struggled to support her our help equal the support as I only made half as much as her. She also received child support.
Money was a huge issue, even if she would act like it wasn't, it was. I remember a grocery outing and I offered to pay and she said no that is okay, she paid, and then lashed out at me on the drive home about only paying for a few items. I called her out right then and there to drop it because I offered to pay. I could not keep up with her spending needs.
Anyway this promotion was going to turn it around and we would finally be equal and living comfortable, I'd be able to help more even though I already basically gave her all my money.she kicked me out a week before my promotion began. I would have made a much as her.
Could you please define the pevolian theory? I'm not familiar with this one yet.
Yeah I've read all the steps over and over. I blame my job because it was a job I only took to be with her, I always hated it. And now I frequently work 80 hours a week. I don't care who you are and if you're healthy or not, work a few 80 hour weeks and you will be tired of it. It is these weeks my mental stability takes a nose dive.
I am in the process of finding a new job, resumes flying out the door... . but in this economy, I'm lucky of anyone even looks at it.
Also I blame this job for tearing us apart as I had less time with her. The day it embed I was sent out of town to work on my day off and she ran a race with my replacement.
There is a reason we shouldn't work more than 40 hours a week and there are studies on this. It's counter productive in the work field itself as well as destabilizing home life.
Ever wonder why there are so many more mental disorders now stemming from parent problems? ours because we as a society have decided work is more important than family and we have undervalued ourselves so horrifically that we must work longer to make enough to live comfortably. When life becomes unbalanced with work, families will suffer, problems will rise.
I am a firm believer in a 40 hour work week is the only way to maintain a work life balance.
So I am searching for that unicorn right now. Maybe I'm jealous my ex had the perfect 40 hour job and hardly had to try to make double what I made physically busting my but every day.
I hate my job. This much I know. Always have. This was just supposed to be temporary until I found something better... so far I haven't found anything. Trust me, cover letters and resumes galore sent out... . it's all about who you know.
I want that perfect honeymoon love back. I want the American dream. this is a nightmare.
No time for therapy when you work this much.just this forum on my phone while at work.
