black

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I posted here last night that my stbexw has declined to let me go. She does not want the divorce.  I am afraid of what she is capable of. I never knew I had to live like this. It has been recommended that I go NC. Divorce upHer wordcoming. She is in my house. I am trying for limited contact. She wanted to see me today. I declined. She was full of sweetness. I try to speak generically. She was getting upset. Wants me to share feelings. I am afraid to say I still want away and divorce is still coming. When I am honest like this she gets nutso. Just downright irrational. After requesting honesty from me. Says if there is no chance we will reconcile to say so. I say so and she gets nutso. It's freeing awful. I am trying to work with her. Want the actual divorce to be easy. She says she will work with me then totally dysregulates when I don't say what she wants to hear. Or do what she wants me to do. Her words are so mean and destructive. If I say I will always care for you she will say. LMAO you cant' care for anyone other than yourself. Said I've had her in a cage for the last 5 years. Today her diabled wings were repaired.  Says she is now free to fly.  Thanks for unlocking the door and letting her fly. She was sure to let me know she was going out tonight.  I guess this stems from the fact I rejected her desire to be with me today. This is just a nightmare that won't end.  NC. Yes would be nice. To be honest I'm afraid of what will happen with that. The divorce will be more contested and uglier.  No kids though, thank god. But seems that I will not be able to ease her into the divorce and have her be civil. That's just not happening is it? Hate being painted black. I know that's how this process works, but I hate it.

[lost007]

I posted here last night that my stbexw has declined to let me go. She does not want the divorce.  I am afraid of what she is capable of. I never knew I had to live like this. It has been recommended that I go NC. Divorce upHer wordcoming. She is in my house. I am trying for limited contact. She wanted to see me today. I declined. She was full of sweetness. I try to speak generically. She was getting upset. Wants me to share feelings. I am afraid to say I still want away and divorce is still coming. When I am honest like this she gets nutso. Just downright irrational. After requesting honesty from me. Says if there is no chance we will reconcile to say so. I say so and she gets nutso. It's freeing awful. I am trying to work with her. Want the actual divorce to be easy. She says she will work with me then totally dysregulates when I don't say what she wants to hear. Or do what she wants me to do. Her words are so mean and destructive. If I say I will always care for you she will say. LMAO you cant' care for anyone other than yourself. Said I've had her in a cage for the last 5 years. Today her diabled wings were repaired.  Says she is now free to fly.  Thanks for unlocking the door and letting her fly. She was sure to let me know she was going out tonight.  I guess this stems from the fact I rejected her desire to be with me today. This is just a nightmare that won't end.  NC. Yes would be nice. To be honest I'm afraid of what will happen with that. The divorce will be more contested and uglier.  No kids though, thank god. But seems that I will not be able to ease her into the divorce and have her be civil. That's just not happening is it? Hate being painted black. I know that's how this process works, but I hate it.

[lost007]

Shoud say divorce with her is upcoming. Not sure what happened with that typo.

[Take2]

I totally understand... .  I truly hate being painted black... .  and know there is no actual way to make my situation change without that happening.  I have been trying to get out of my situation with things calm, but clearly I was wrong to think that could happen... .    it's just so mindboggling hurtful the things he will say to me about me, about other women, about how awful I am... .    I just can't grasp the extent of the cruelty that comes out of him... .  

I wish you well... .    she is living with you?  Is there no other options?

That sounds impossible... .   

[lost007]

We are living separately right now. I tried to be honest with her today. But if I do it's WWIII. I'm watching my phone screen as we speak. She has sent literally 50 plus back to back texts. I'm not not reading or responding. The earlier ones today got really bad. Referencing all the things that will come out in court. All she is telling judge. Telling me how her friends view me. The names they call me. What a trashy human I am. Problem is I have made mistakes too. I'm willing to walk away. She won't stop without total destruction. It's scary. The phone just keeps lighting up. Relentless texts. If I had agreed to see her and have sex today none of this would be happening. I rejected her. She is exacting revenge.

[lost007]

Are u working to get out of a marriage. Or just dating?  Is he refusing to let you go?

[Take2]

I am so sorry to hear that for you... .   it IS scary.

I am trying to detach from an on and off relationship/affair that I've been involved with for almost three years.  He dumps me constantly... .  yet if I so much as talk to another man at the office (we work together)  he FLIPS OUT.

Its INSANE.  and scary at times.

I  unable to interact with men in a place where men are the majority and all my peers probably think I am the crazy one bc I won't talk to them.  I try to be myself at work,  which used to be a very outgoing warm person.  That has changed dramatically.

He has accused me of throwing myself at every man at work (not remotely true), for being a pathetic woman who has ruined his life and I deserve to have my life ruined as well .

Etcetc

That I have stayed attached for this long confirms my own severe issues.

But I am done.  Last week was soo over the top awful that I cannot go thru it again

I was afraid,  I was shattered,  I couldn't escape him either as he keeps tabs on where I am liea when I went to my car to cry,  he followed me to verbally berate me further)

I have questioned myself and my sanity so many times.

He totally brainwashed me.  Or I allowed him too.

Ugh

Sorry

I'm venting now... .  

[GreenMango]

seems that I will not be able to ease her into the divorce and have her be civil. That's just not happening is it?

Nope.  She's showing you it isn't going to happen like that.

50+ harassing text messages really need to be brought to the attention of your lawyer and possibly the court at a time deemed appropriate by the lawyer.  I'd be very careful and not reply to her directly at all right now because she's clearly unstable.

This is an extinction burst.  They suck.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[lost007]

Yes. If I reply and try and defend myself it only makes it worse. She would say she's not harrassing but I feel harassed. I have tried to placate her. I can't. She feels because of all I have done to her that I do not deserve peace or to be left alone. She has said as much. She asked that I be honest today. I was. It didn't work out. And Take 2 I have been pushed to the point of tears as well. Just begging her to stop her onslaught and attacks. She laughs at me and begins to ridicule me. Coming out with the most vile and vitriolic hate speech imaginable. I know she will try and post pone the divorce. She's not going away.

[Take2]

I truly feel your pain... .  I know a divorce has got to make it SO much harder... .  

My ex also laughs,  sneers and ridicules me as he has trashed me repeatedly at work and left me in tears at my desk. Its truly mortifying and shattering.

No matter how much I understand there is a disorder going on,  my heart cannot comprehend how someone could be so cruel .

I would look for another job but i have a really good job. I don't want to walk away from it.

But often,  I don't know how this will ever truly stop if I don't get away from him.

How long were you married?  Five years?

Green mango is obviously right,  she sounds very unstable... .    although I suppose my ex has sent me that many in one night before... .  

[lost007]

Married just less than two years. She is up to 65 texts and many phone calls. She also just called me from a different number. I answered briefly then recognized her voice. This is crazy.

[GreenMango]

Lost I would send one text message.

"Please do not text me harassing or hostile text messages."

Then I wouldn't answer after that.  Let her burn herself out with the vitriolic stuff.  But sending that one text does a couple of things for you... .  shows any officers of the court you asked.  If she goes off more theres a record of her harassment in case you need it.  Other than that ignore the context of her texts for now.

Here's the thing about a person with BPD or anybody who has fears of rejection abandoment etc. Enmeshment rules, unconditional validation rules.  When you disagree with how they interpret, feel, perceive it points out their different-ness, their inappropriateness, or reveals the fear itself is coming true.  Someone is leaving them.  This is why she berates you when you share your reservations.  Please know you are entitled to your feelings and they can be different than hers.

Lost you sound like an abused husband.     verbal abuse takes it's toll.  Do you have a good therapist?  If not, think about it the support through this divorce is going to be a major factor in how well you emotional cope with  all this.

[lost007]

I am seeing a therapist. It has helped. Things just escalating as divorce approaches. I'm afraid I have made it worse by continuing communication. Hoping to keep her calm. Trying to reconcile myself to the loss. It's just like a nightmare that won't end. Nothing makes a dent. No words or concepts seem to take hold. No one seems to get it other than here. I have share switch a few people but my circle of friends is minimal as I gave them up trying to placate her. She monitors my moves. Seems to know my thoughts. Shows at work and apartment.  I have let her stay in my house til divorce done. I'm thinking may have to be total no contact but I didn't want to do that. Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement.