Tried and failed

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

For the first time ever, I seriously brought up divorce with BPDH.

I thought I was finally ready to do it. But it was horrible.

I just wasn't able to stick with it. He said everything under the sun to me, from telling me how much he wants to be with me, to screaming unspeakable names at me, for many hours. Most affecting to me was him telling me how I was deserting him and leaving him all alone. I felt so bad to be leaving him alone when he has so many problems and is so sad. I felt so sad and like such a bad person.

However, MY happiness or unhappiness was a moot point (especially compared to leaving someone who is struggling and going back on marriage vows). What did matter was that I was neglecting him and his needs, and not working hard enough on the relationship. So what did I do? I went back on it. I got so worn out and scared for him and guilty about what I wanted that I just gave in. Not only did I give in, I scheduled an emergency trip to see him to help him because that's what he said he needed (We live apart for job reasons).

I feel insane (though I know I'm not). I feel torn in half and terrified about any outcome. I feel like I'm betraying him and betraying myself no matter what I do, and that I have no idea what the best thing is. Does it get better? Ever? How do you learn to stay true to yourself with so much pressure on you?

[lookingahead]

For the first time ever, I seriously brought up divorce with BPDH.

I thought I was finally ready to do it. But it was horrible.

I just wasn't able to stick with it. He said everything under the sun to me, from telling me how much he wants to be with me, to screaming unspeakable names at me, for many hours. Most affecting to me was him telling me how I was deserting him and leaving him all alone. I felt so bad to be leaving him alone when he has so many problems and is so sad. I felt so sad and like such a bad person.

However, MY happiness or unhappiness was a moot point (especially compared to leaving someone who is struggling and going back on marriage vows). What did matter was that I was neglecting him and his needs, and not working hard enough on the relationship. So what did I do? I went back on it. I got so worn out and scared for him and guilty about what I wanted that I just gave in. Not only did I give in, I scheduled an emergency trip to see him to help him because that's what he said he needed (We live apart for job reasons).

I feel insane (though I know I'm not). I feel torn in half and terrified about any outcome. I feel like I'm betraying him and betraying myself no matter what I do, and that I have no idea what the best thing is. Does it get better? Ever? How do you learn to stay true to yourself with so much pressure on you?

[hithere]

Does it get better? Ever? How do you learn to stay true to yourself with so much pressure on you?

It sounds like you plan on staying but you are posting on the leaving board?

I guess you will stay true to yourself by eventually making a decision on whether you are willing to sacrifice your happiness for the rest of your life to someone that will never appreciate it... .  that is what it came down to for me and I know I made the right decision by leaving.

[lookingahead]

I felt sure for about a day that I was leaving but I guess I got guilted into staying for the time being. Sorry if I posted on the wrong board.

I think staying true to myself would be recognizing the damage that this relationship causes me.

The past few days caused such anguish that it's reassuring to know that others who have been in this position made the right decision. So thank you.

Back to the undecided board... .   

[waitaminute]

I finally abandoned -yes, abandoned - her. Emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally. Oh yes...  she will probably suffer. I gave her more encouragement, love, affection, hope, and financial support than any other man will. I could not have held true to the one and only "goodbye" that I initiated if there was not another woman- my normal and loving exwife -  who needed me. The useless sacrifices of my own that I had made for Ms. BPD were not enough to keep me true to my intentions to leave. But her actions made her unworthy of the sacrifice that my (at the time) wife had to make when Ms. BPD entered my life. I said goodbye 4 months ago. NC .

[dharmagems]

I also left the marriage although my exBPDh begged me he is changing and the "I will always love you!"  I asked him to get outside help and he refuses he has BPD.  Yes, it was so damaging to my mental and emotional health to be in this r/s with this BPD.  I really thought I was going mad, doing all sort of harming things to myself emotionally.  I realized, if I were to live any longer-and life is short- then I have to leave for my sanity and emotional health and wellbeing.  I was damned if I stayed and damned if I left.  Well, I accepted it and left, and well, I'm damned   Nothing to do but to laugh. 

 

[rogerroger]

It took me a long time to get out. Through it all, I had one person who kept telling me, "You'll leave when you're ready." This proved to be wise counsel.

[momtara]

Post on whichever board you want!  Do what's helpful to you.

My husband is saying the same things now.  I have 2 young children so it's harder to just go back to the way things were.

Can you push him into counseling, saying you'll really leave for good unless he gets the right help? 

What you're doing isn't necessarily bad.  If it ends again, at least you can say you tried your best.  (That said, I don't know all the issues.  If the relationship is dangerous, that's another story.)