Closure ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Sent my exBPDgf flowers for Valentine's Day this week. Just to thank her for an incredible happy year (from my side, and with a bitter ending ;-))

It would have also been our 1-year anniversary, but the r/s ended 2 weeks ago.

Friday I wrote a letter to her mom and stepdad about the issues I encountered during the r/s and all exBPDgf's fears. I left it unsent in my mailbox.

I felt somewhat relieved Friday evening, so I hope these actions gave me the best closure I can get from this r/s.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Sent my exBPDgf flowers for Valentine's Day this week. Just to thank her for an incredible happy year (from my side, and with a bitter ending ;-))

It would have also been our 1-year anniversary, but the r/s ended 2 weeks ago.

Friday I wrote a letter to her mom and stepdad about the issues I encountered during the r/s and all exBPDgf's fears. I left it unsent in my mailbox.

I felt somewhat relieved Friday evening, so I hope these actions gave me the best closure I can get from this r/s.

[Rose Tiger]

   That was an incredibly sweet and loving gesture.  Part of detachment is starting to turn the concern away from them and onto you.  What can you do now for you?

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I'm trying to avoid lonely moments, because it's then that she keeps running through my head.

I find myself lucky that I kept sporting (I was about to give that up for her).

I kept supporting the sportsclub of my kids, so I have a pretty good social network.

Didn't do much at work the last 3 weeks, but that was not really bad, because I'm about to change jobs    But I hope I can get my concentration back when I'm at my desk, that's always a hard time.

Still I have a lot of (good) memories of her, in everything I do.

We did a lot of things together, what was fine at that time, but now it's hard to not link her at these activities.

And it's tough to know she doesn't see all these good memories, or has them turned round to bad memories. Like the Facebookpage of the place we spent a super-weekend, she unliked it last week. That's hard to understand.

But I try to see only the good things and take that with me. For her I was attractive, fun, smart, etc. and allthough it was a bit of a charade from her side, I absorb this and try to use it in my favour to build my self-esteem.

[Rose Tiger]

It is sad how they seem to lack emotional memories.  We, on the other hand, have these memories and remember how happy we were.  I miss those times, how could someone not want to keep those going?  I love adventures and discovering new things, it's exciting.    Ex liked to do that at first and then turned it into, why don't you go with a girlfriend or your daughter.  Had to find ways to have adventures without him.  Part of me was angry because I wanted to have adventures with him.

I do think you need to remember the crappy things, too.  It's a balance, yes there were nice times but there were some very dark bad times, too.  You have to keep those in mind for if she tries to recycle you.  You have to remember 'stove hot, you will get burned'.  There are much safer people in the world for new memories and good times.  Kids are especially great for getting out and discovering fun stuff.  They'll remember and appreciate the good times.

[HarmKrakow]

I'm trying to avoid lonely moments, because it's then that she keeps running through my head.

I find myself lucky that I kept sporting (I was about to give that up for her).

I kept supporting the sportsclub of my kids, so I have a pretty good social network.

Didn't do much at work the last 3 weeks, but that was not really bad, because I'm about to change jobs    But I hope I can get my concentration back when I'm at my desk, that's always a hard time.

Still I have a lot of (good) memories of her, in everything I do.

We did a lot of things together, what was fine at that time, but now it's hard to not link her at these activities.

And it's tough to know she doesn't see all these good memories, or has them turned round to bad memories. Like the Facebookpage of the place we spent a super-weekend, she unliked it last week. That's hard to understand.

But I try to see only the good things and take that with me. For her I was attractive, fun, smart, etc. and allthough it was a bit of a charade from her side, I absorb this and try to use it in my favour to build my self-esteem.

Keep strength. Keep your cool, and eventually you'll get there.

And btw, hutspot met worst is echt lekker Dat ga ik deze week ook maar eens opzetten!

[Dawning]

Having a nice hutspot met worst is looking good after yourself! Eet smakelijk.

[HarmKrakow]

Having a nice hutspot met worst is looking good after yourself! Eet smakelijk.

Exactly! For some people it might be a good way to 'detach' by starting to cook. I know people who did this or started doing this after they didnt feel to well. Tragic within the family or something.

Cooking for hours really requires attention from your head, constantly with the finishing product ending in your stomach

[Truth in Ruin]

I didnt have closure.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Keep strength. Keep your cool, and eventually you'll get there.

And btw, hutspot met worst is echt lekker Dat ga ik deze week ook maar eens opzetten!

Thanks Harm   

En ja, een goede hutsepot, boordevol vitamientjes kan een echte opkikker zijn. 

I suppose we must find activities to keep our mind busy. If we can get it distracted we can detach from our once loved one piece by piece.

Still have a big knot in my stomach though, so eating is not a very pleasant thing to do, right now.

[HarmKrakow]

Keep strength. Keep your cool, and eventually you'll get there.

And btw, hutspot met worst is echt lekker Dat ga ik deze week ook maar eens opzetten!

Thanks Harm   

En ja, een goede hutsepot, boordevol vitamientjes kan een echte opkikker zijn. 

I suppose we must find activities to keep our mind busy. If we can get it distracted we can detach from our once loved one piece by piece.

Still have a big knot in my stomach though, so eating is not a very pleasant thing to do, right now.

Same, your not the only one. I also have a knot in my stomach, I barely eat, I don't eat enough. And above that it's difficult to(!) eat. It's difficult ... because the moment 'closure' comes around the corner my stomach gets filled by a flow of emotions and then there is only so much left for a bit of food :/