a living hell since Tuesday

[StrugglingMom76]

Sorry so long but thought those who have been following my story with my 17 year DD. On the 14th we had our incorigabilty hearing and I won the petition. YEAH one step closer. She was ordered to follow the rules including but not limited to, not running away, no drug use, attending school and all therapy along with taking her meds and following all the house rules she signed and agreed to follow.  Well we had a quick meeting with CMH and headed out of town for a week. I basically treated it like a vaca and said no to nothing, but it was easy no access to internet, phone or friends in a strange city house sitting over an hour from home. Well Tuesday arrived and I have journaled it ALL. Long read but hope it can give everyone and idea how life is living with this disorder  



2/19/13 - We arrived home after house sitting a bit ago. I unpacked our stuff out of the car, s7 and I were in the living room, and dd17 was in her room un packing her items. She came out 15 minutes after getting home asking if she could take the dog for a walk. I told her that it was very cold and windy and that she could not go right now. This is the first time I had  said no since our meeting a CMH they had told me to limit confrontation while I was out of town so now that we were home it was time to stick to our house rules. She began her typical begging asking me why, which I once again told her and then referred to the house rules of no begging. It is now 2:06 dd17 has been constantly begging for 45 minutes, and has chosen instead of doing her chores she is going to paint her shoes. I left her alone so she could cope with being told no. Now it is 2:54 and she is still begging, I told her to please go to her room. She said no so I went to my room and she followed me into the hall still begging me. I asked her to go to her room again and once again was told no. She is standing in my room, so I left and went back into the living room. I told her to please not talk, she said no. I once again asked her to go to her room. She is now becoming more agitated and called me a rude btch, that she hates me. I stayed calm as s7 was in the same room.  She then asked her brother if he wanted to go on a walk, full well knowing I had already told her no. He said yes I want to go play with O. dd17 said I will take you to O's. I told s7 I was sorry that he could not go to Os we would be leaving for our intake at CMH in just a bit and we need to eat first. He began crying. dd17 kept calling me a btch. I suggested she go outside and walk around the back yard if she needed the fresh air or to go down stairs and use the health rider if she needed the exercise. She refused and called me a btch and a horrible mother again.  I pulled out the house rules and once again read the rules she has agreed to follow. She yelled out “then call the ing police”. I tried getting s7 to leave the room with me but he wouldn't he was crying and wanting to stay with his sister. dd17 wants to call her Lawyer, I told her I would call CMH first and see if they could help me get through this. She then tried to take my journal. I told her this was my private thoughts and to please not touch it. She yelled at me telling me I always read her stuff. She finally got up and went to her room and told me she wishes I would fall in a hole and die, or die in a car accident. I called CMH hoping for help. I was able to get J on the phone and she talked to dd17, then dd17 handed me the phone and J asked me why I would not let her go for a walk. At this point I have finally hit my breaking point. I felt HOW DARE SHE ask me WHY I would not let her go for a walk. That is NOT the point of this call. The point of this call was for CMH to help dd17 use her coping skills to deal with me saying NO. I needed BACKUP!  As a mother I have a right to say no and saying yes now just gives her, her way. I also mentioned the manipulation trying to use her brother as a pawn to get her, her way and she asked me why dd17 could not take her brother for a walk. Now come on take her 7 year old brother on a walk when it is clear dd17 was not going for a walk to let off steam she had an agenda, to get to a phone or the internet and find a smoke. She is not safe there is NO way I would let her take him with her. Then J told me why not leave the room. I explained I have tried that  and she just follows me. I have no way to lock her away from me she has broken every door in our house. J then said  “how can I help you if you won't try anything I suggest something and  you say you have already done all of it”. I slammed a can of hair spray I had in my hand on my coffee table and  said I am asking for help because I have tried EVERYTHING you gave to us as coping skills at our meeting and none of it is working because she is not COPING. Why is it  that I am the only one willing to participate and everyone is pointing at me to do everything ? We have to work as a team for this to work. Well when I slammed the hairspray on the table I snapped the glass pane in half  my nice coffee table is now ruined. I finally told J forget it I am just choosing my battles and she can just go. I do not know why I made the rules when I have no support to help enforce them... I told her I was done with the conversation and hung up the phone. I told dd17 to just go on her ****ing walk (excuse my language at this point I was about to strangle her I had endured 2.5 hours of constant verbal abuse and was done) She was headed down stairs and swearing and yelling at me when I told her I said get out of here I am about to blow and I need you to leave, I grabbed a plastic cup and threw it into the living room (no where NEAR dd17) and she yells out... .  Your crazy I am calling the police and snags my phone. I calmly said give me my phone. She said no I am calling the police, and I said not with my phone just leave and I grabbed the phone from her. She said you touched me I am telling the police you hurt me. I told her that was OK she could do that but she would need to do it elsewhere. She left. 15 minutes later s7 announces "Mom look the police from the other day are here" Sure enough  township police are at my house ONCE again  dd17 called and said I was out of control she was scared of me and that I hurt her. We thankfully I had my notebook journaling everything from the day and I showed him what was going on. He went and found dd17 and brought her back. I agreed not to talk about the situation any longer with her. dd17 came in the house and said she was sorry she made a mistake. We went to s7's Intake meeting where I left her in the lobby, she chose to walk around the parking lot in a blizzard. We went home and she went to her room for the night.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StrugglingMom76]

2/20/13 - I took dd17 to School at around 11 Am.  As I was headed to a 3:00 appointment dd17 called and asked if she could go to the movies. I explained to her that she could not go because of her actions the prior day. She continued to beg and ask. I finally told her I am hanging the phone up and that my answer was final and I would be at the school to pick her up. She tried calling me 15 times after but I had turned my phone off. I attended my meeting and headed home to get my son off the bus.  I decided to call the school to make sure dd17 was there before I wasted the gas picking her up. Sure enough she was not there she had left campus at 3:00 and had not returned. I began cooking dinner, at 4:30 dd17 called from the school claiming she had never left school but was in the bathroom taking a "poop". I told her I did not believe her and that I was on my way to pick her up.  I called the school as I was driving to get her and talked to one of the coucelor’s and asked if it was possible she was in the bathroom. He said there was no chance and upon request he agreed to write a statement saying that she has physically left campus at 3:00 and did not return until after 4:30. Once we got home she went in her room and packed her  bags  and told me she was leaving and not coming back. About an hour later there was a knock on the door. It was dd17 and our neighbor behind us S. She asked if I was OK with her driving dd17 to H? She wanted to make sure I knew and was OK with it before she was willing to do it. I asked dd17 who she was going to stay with? She told me that it was none of my business. S look at her and sternly told her it IS your mom's business  she needs to know you are safe. dd17 replied she was going to meet a friend from the crisis center at the  gas station in H and would be staying with him. I explained to S that dd17 does not really even know him, she had met him at one function at the  Crisis Youth Center when she was staying there. He is not a good person, not mentally healthy and uses drugs (I have chatted with him on the computer when dd17 had left her FB logged in). S said she was not willing to take dd17 to H. dd17 got a bit upset but was asked to go back to S's house so she could talk to me. dd17 did not want to leave at first claiming I would lie to make S not like her. But S convinced dd17 she had a mind of her own and that she need to go. dd17 left and I explained dd17’s mental health and behavioral issues. S agreed she needed to stay home but there was no way to force her to. So she agreed to let me know who she left with if she found someone to give her a ride. The neighbor left her number and I gave her mine.

At 8:24pm S called me and let me know dd17 had just left with her friend from B.

At 8:34 I received a call from a Man asking if I was dd17's mom, I later found that his name was J B of H. I told him I was, and he proceeded to tell me he had been chatting with dd17 online and that he had happened to see where I had posted on her wall when she had run away on Feb 5th and he wanted me to know she was asking people on face book for a ride from P to H and wanted to know if he could help. I asked if he knew dd17, and he said no he did not know her, that he had friend requested her because they had a mutual friend, but they had never met. I asked if their mutual friend was the boy from the crisis center. He confirmed that they were and that he was not a good person. I asked if he could at least contact this boy from the crisis center and tell him I would be calling the police that dd17 is currently waiting pre trail for incorrigibility. He agreed and we hung up... They called the boy from the crisis center  and he admitted he was "high as a Kite" and he was not picking up dd17. I then received a call from J B and his friend saying they were at the gas station and confirmed dd17 was there in a White Crown Vic. They asked me what they should do? I told them to drive up to the car and let dd17 know the boy from the crisis center was not picking her up. My goal was for her to return home here or at least stay with her girlfriend for the night.  Below is a statement from J B's friend showing what occurred after as I was not there.



Well it started  on Face book about this girl, but he told me that she was flipping out and that she had nowhere to go and was saying that you beat her and your rude to her and that she was scared of you cuz you treat her like ~ and that's when josh seen that post on Face book worried about your daughter and call this number with any info, so I told him to call you and try to help as much as possible. While talking to you, you seemed very concerned about your daughter and wanted nothing more to get her safe, and not with the crisis center guy. And you also told me that she has some issues and that she would jump right in your car, well my first reaction was (yeah ok) ha-ha ill bet ... .  Well we jumped in my truck and went to mobile where I also called you to tell you that she was there in a white crown Victoria who I believed to belong to an old friend way back. So after I got off the done with you I was really wondering how to get her  in my truck, so I stood there thinking of the best way... .  So I walked right to the white crown Vic and said "hey I'm here for you" easy as that, she jumped right out and jumped right into my truck... .  Mind it, that me or J B have ever met this girl a day in our lives. Basically she happened to jump in a vehicle with two complete strangers in it (scary) but true. Then I was thinking to my self what her mother had said about jumping right in, sure enough she did. As we pulled out I was in the phone with her mother and she had told me, take what she says as a grain of salt (witch I strongly did) after hanging up the phone with you her mom. I tried to convince her to at least go and visit her mother , her response was throwing a fit crying and screaming in my truck saying her mom beats her and how much her mother abuses her and how scared she was of her. Well when I talked to her mom she was very very worried about her daughter and wanted nothing but for her to be safe. her mom used a lot of emotion in her tone witch leaves no doubt that she loves her daughter very much and wants nothing but the best for her daughter. And I even tried to tell this girl that and she didn't care whatsoever, she continued her fit. So I had called her mother again and said now what do I do she don't want to go anywhere, that's when her mother said take her to her friend D's house. Where she later went. In the way to d's house she was saying she did not want to go over there and that she wanted to stay in my house with two complete strangers and I thought that was a little odd but finally pulling into d's drive way she got out and went in then I called her mother again and said she was there and safe. While talking her mother I told her to pass a little word to her daughter... .  Witch I told her mom ( This girl is beautiful and for her to jump in to a random truck with two guys is scary stuff) if she ever done that to the wrong person I have no doubt that she would never be found and very hurt by that action. She needs to think first then act accordingly witch she dose not do very well at all. My opinion is that she craves attention from people she can manipulate or thinks she can, she thinks of nothing but her self and dose not care who she hurts in the long run. She lies a lot to grasp that attention and she will soak as much as it up as she can then use it against you by taking advantage of a random stranger and also her own family, if she dose not get her way she will throw a big fit just like in my vehicle

I spoke with d's Mom she let dd17 stay the evening and gave her two bus tokens to get on the bus in the AM to attend school.

Thank goodness another night dd17 is safe, it easily could have turned out much much different  

[StrugglingMom76]

2/21/13 - dd17 has been gone for over 24 hours. She did attend school I was able to confirm that. At 4:00 she left me a voicemail telling me she was not returning home. I called the school and they pulled her from class. I asked her where she was going and she said "to a friends" when I asked her which friend she said C's.I told her she did not have permission to go and that she was breaking the rules. I asked her to have C call me so I knew where she was going and if she was safe. I talked to "C" and she told me her name was C that she had her own apartment, I explained to her that dd17 has a mental illness and that she needs to come home. She was told by the juvenile court to follow the rules, which included attending School not running away and taking her meds to name a few. And that the police would be called if she ran away. C told me she wanted no involvement and did not want the police coming to her home. I told her to have dd17 call me and let me know if I should could pick her up. Well no one called, I called C back and she informed me that dd17 was mad that she was not going to let her stay and that she got out of the car and got into a black 4 door car of a boy . She stayed in contact with me via text showing concern about dd17 and told me from a little hunting around she found out this boys full name. And the town he lived in. I called and reported her Missing to the police. I received a call from one of the boys from the previous night a few hours later that dd17 was calling and begging him to pick her and her friend up, she told him she was stranded there. I called that city's police and let them know she was there. I was later told the police asked her and she denied being herself and the police left and dd17 took off. The entire time C was messaging worried about dd17. And dd17 was texting the boy from the night before, telling her she was hiding from the police. I then asked him what number dd17 was texting from? She was texting from C’S number. Are you kidding me, I am thinking this girl is helping me find dd17 but she was really with her trying to send me on a wild goose chase. Well I did a little investigating and found C on dd17's face book and I did a look up for a phone number and called and C's mom answered. Come to find out I was not talking to C at all I was talking to another girl, she was pretending to be C. dd17 and this girl has gone to C's earlier in the evening and C's Mother has driven them and to the Wendy's in another town to meet up with this girls ex boyfriend. Eventually after chasing dead ends dd17 was once again spotted at Wendy's, I called the manager and confirmed it was her. I contacted that city's police who were very rude to me and told me they did not have to pick her up she is 17. I explained her mental illness and the fact she is not safe to be out on the streets she could harm herself or someone else. They told me they were sorry they would talk to her but they could not force her to come home because she is an adult. This upsets me so much old enough to run away but not old enough to release me from being responsible to keep her safe. I ended up calling Officer H who took the missing person report  from our township police, he assured me that  she would be picked up. Thank goodness one more night with her safe at home safe. I just let her go to bed no argument.

[StrugglingMom76]

2/22/13 - dd17 spent the day basically laying in bed all day. She would not complete any of her chores and I was hardly able to get her to take a shower. At about 5:30 she was found in her room packing her bag, I asked if she was leaving and she confirmed she was. She said she was going to stay with her friend M's and would be back, but when I checked her bag she had packed I could tell she had no plan to return she packed all of her clothing and had stolen her meds from me that I keep in my bedroom. She became irate when I took them. I explained that I would give her enough pills for one day. She does not have permission to leave and I would not provide her with meds that she could sell. She left the house wearing a pair of black and white converse a red winter coat black jeans and a knitted hat. I called the police about 6:10 and reported her as a runaway. The police came to my house but did not even take down information for a report. I explained to them that she is mentally ill and not safe to be on her own but they said there is nothing that can be done because she is considered an adult. Funny she is an adult yet I am still responsible for providing her a home when she shows up on my door step for an entire year. The court system has really let me down by allowing this to drag out and I am hoping by the time I arrive at court on the 27th dd17 is not hurt, on heavy drugs, raped or worse yet dead. I chatted back an fourth with dd17's friend V who able to keep tabs on dd17 for the night, and once again the boy whose truck she climbed into without a though from 2 nights ago called me telling me that dd17 was begging him to pick her up. I was able to obtain a phone number and figured out that she was at boys house she had gone to with  and gotten high as can be on Feb. 1st. I told him not to pick her up and to realize that he is in danger of getting in trouble because he is on probation and that him picking her up will just teach her it is OK to go with strangers. He agreed. V talked with dd17 over the next two hours which made me know she was still safe. She tried convincing dd17 to come home. V forwarded me the following from her’s and dd17's conversation. ….


dd17: DUDE CAN YOU COME GET ME

12:19am

V

Why?

what Happened?

12:19am

dd17

cuz i am stuck in this town and need to get to another town

my mom and i are fighting hard core

and i cant stay were im at

please v

i need to gert there tonight

to the mobil

e

12:22am

V

k, well im sorry i really wish there was a way i could help, but, i have no way of getting to u

12:24am

dd17

o-o



12:24am

V

what?

12:24am

dd17

i need to leave now

cant you drive

12:25am

V

Why? Whats going on?

12:25am

dd17

i cant stay were im at for the nighrt

12:26am

V

i dont have my license.

12:26am

dd17

FUCJ

12:26am

V

where r u?

12:26am

dd17

pinkney

12:26am

V

at home?

V

Me: no, seriously dude, whats going on?

12:32am

dd17

Im stuck at my friends house and i cant stay the night

12:32am

V

what friend?

12:32am

dd17

YOU WILL TELL MY MOM SO I CANT TELL YOU

12:34am

V

why would it be such a bad thing if i did tell your mom? she needs to know! and she's trying to HELP YOU! What SOO WRONG WITH THAT?


dd17 also messaged me on facebook and this is what it consisted of

•Me

dd17 just come home and go to bed you have a warm bed here. Why are you doing this?

•   

12:26am

dd17

CUZ I DONT WANT TO

•   

12:26am

Me

I know you don't but I told you I could help you plan so you can work on getting a place of your own

Surfing guys couches is not safe

You need to take care of yourself

•   

12:27am

dd17

i am looking okay

i am

•   

12:27am

Me

Why do you have to rush why can't you do it the right way rather than trying to get everyone to feel sorry for you

I did not bother you today you had all day to make a plan

•   

12:27am

dd17

bye

•   

12:28am

Me

Ok Bye, just wanted you to know I would let you in if you came home

And would not talk to you just like i did last night

Maybe I could take you to the hit_house tomrrow ?

Maybe that would work I just want you safe and if you do not want to be here then I can help you find somewhere safe?

O just hate not knowing where you are

•   

12:30am

dd17

i know but i dont want to come hime

*home

•   

12:31am

Me

well why is it so bad to be here I will stay in my room and just let you come in and then tomorrow I will drive you to somewhere safe. Kiddo I love you I just want you safe please

•   

12:32am

dd17

i am

•   

12:33am

Me

I will make it easy as I can for you please come home I will help you find a new place to go, a safe place... .  you do not even know the people you are with

•   

12:33am

dd17

how do you know

•   

12:34am

Me

I will even give you your birth certifcate

I just have a bad gut feeling there is no one that would take you in that you know right now

I will do what it takes to help you get out on your own

Just want you home safe.

•   

12:35am

dd17

Take away the encorigiblitly and ill come home

•   

12:35am

Me

We can talk about that for sure!

•   

12:36am

dd17

well you have to do it before i come home i dont want to do that but i dont want to come home unless i get more freedom and can at least not be encorigible

•   

12:36am

Me

Well I cannot even try to do that til the courts open. So just come home and we can talk about it tomrrow and make plans?

I think that is fair

•   

12:37am

dd17

well mom im stressed that you wont take it off

•   

12:37am

Me

I said I will think about it OK but this is not helping the situation

•   

12:37am

dd17

i dont know

okay

•   

12:38am

Me

If I thought you had a safe plan of a place to go I get you there this weekend I will discuss it with  the court

And see what I can do OK?

•   

12:38am

dd17

okay


As you can see from the ending of our chat she came home safe once again. I feel like each day we are closer to a disaster. 

[StrugglingMom76]

2/23/13 – Today I woke her up at 10:30 to find a safe place to go. She made no attempt to help, I provided her with a number to  housing and she basically told them she wants a place to live but wants to make no attempt to resolve coming back home, which is what their program consists of a 3 week program much like. They could not even schedule an intake until Monday and she insisted she could not stay here another day. She also called The other House and begged them to let her some back and they let her know that there is no room in the program right now. I asked my mother for her friend M’s number, she called her and they let her stay the night. A BREAK even if it is just for the night I am so relieved. She called me this afternoon asking if she could get on the internet at M’s. I had already informed both M and her Father she was not allowed to. I told her no she began begging and I said the word is final no internet. She called me a btch and said she never wanted to see me again. I texted M and told her I stand by the no internet and she told me her father unplugged it. Thank Goodness a parent that is backing me up AMEN!

A Side note: I forgot to mention I went to the boys  home where she had been and notified his Grandparents the situation with dd17 and also let them know of the drug use in their home. They were very thankful I let them know and said they would not allow her there anymore and took my phone number and will call me if she shows up.

[fakename]

Hi strugglingmom,

I wish I had some insights or something to give but I don't.

I read all that you wrote and I just wanted to say I guess that I love you as a person.

I hope things get better and hope you remember to take care of yourself.

[StrugglingMom76]

Fakename,

Thank you it is hard to take care of myself, this has consumed my life, I live each day in fear for my son, my daughter and myself  the loss of my job has taken a really hard toll, next week I have therapy for dd17 and I on Monday, Court on Tuesday for my Eviction from my home and Court Wednesday for the Pre-trail for dd17's incorigability... I just cannot stop and think otherwise I will just stop functioning. My first night of actual peace and I spent it typing all my journal entries. I am just lost

[fakename]

I wish I could tell you things will get better but I just don't know that.

What I can say is that I'm sure one day when your son is old enough, and able to understand things, he'll realize how strong you are and all you did for your family.

It took me longer than I would have liked to realize that about my mom. I am so lucky she is my mom. She's the most incredible person I know.

I am trying to get over a very tough breakup with my exgf who had BPD.

I force myself to take care of myself by just eating healthy and forcing myself to workout.

Even though I may be depressed those two small things allow me to be happy when I look at the progress I'm making.

I wish I could say something or do something to help you but I can't.

I hope you find a job soon and wish the best for you.

I also think the more you get in touch with yourself and understand your daughters mind and your mind and how people's minds operate in general, maybe that will bring you a bit of peace.

I'm here for you

[jellibeans]

strugglingmom76

I am a bit overwhelmed by your post... .  so much of what you posted reminded me of my dd... .  I am sure you are exhausted!

But that being said... .  how are things going right now? What is the plan? I feel you are still involved in a huge power struggle... .  she is 17? this has to be a tough age and she is trying to break free... .  

What are you doing for yourself? how are you finding time to look after yourself? Please keep posting... .  I know if can be very frustrating but try and keep positive... .  

[StrugglingMom76]

My last entry was from today, I have no idea whether I am coming or going  

Today was the only day with somewhat of a break I am about to take a couple of sleeping pills just so I can get some rest.

I did cook today, soup peach cobbler that made me feel ok for a minute. I am falling apart I just cannot get on top of this mess.

Hopefully after court things will calm down and I can get some work I just do not know how I will ever work outside the home at least not for the next year.

[fakename]

Every now and then try to remember to just breathe. Deep breaths. I guess it's sorta like meditation.

Helps me sometimes.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StrugglingMom76]

I am scared to stop take a breath and really look at my entire situation I will have a mental breakdown at this point

[fakename]

Haha. I think a good amount of people in your situation would have had a mental breakdown or worse.

You're a very strong person as it says a lot about you that your escape is to come to these message boards. You should be proud of yourself. A lot of weaker people would have taken other routes but you choose to keep fighting. I think you make a great role model.

I just ask of you to remember not to be too hard on yourself. You are fighting hard and other people may not understand or may not be there to support you sometimes but you are doing a great job. Even in the moments when you feel like you had the last straw or whatever they say, dot be hard on yourself. You're allowed to lose your patience and you're allowed to express your emotions.

I hope things slowly fall into place for you and your family.  There are better days ahead.


One thing I thought about beginning to implement into my life has been to maybe spend 5 minutes a day to watch a funny video or YouTube or Hulu.com. I don't want to forget to laugh even though in addition to my breakup, being unemployed and being broke doesn't help keep my spirits up.

I'm here for ya

[Reality]

Yes, StrugglingMom76,

You are an amazing person.  Your unbelievably detailed description of the last couple of days shows such intelligence and a steady regard.  Your posts are the best chronicling of interactions with someone with BPD that I have read here or anywhere else.

Thank you for sharing with us.

Trust your intuition.  Be steady.  Stay wise. 

Reality

[vivekananda]

Could you work on finding a calm centre within yourself that you could retreat to when it gets extreme?

Remember the strength of the bamboo, in winds and storms it bends and doesn't break. Keep yourself rooted, your feet on the ground. You have a community here to support you.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[StrugglingMom76]

Thanks to everyone for all the support it is just been a trying defeating last couple of weeks I am exhausted

[Reality]

StrugglingMom76,

Of course, you are exhausted.  It is amazing you are still functioning. 

Keep in touch. 

Reality