Adult Daughter, BPD Dad

Hello all,

My story: I am the 25-year-old daughter of a man who exhibits pretty much every hallmark of BPD, though he refuses to see a doctor (believing it's everyone else who has the problem, not him) and has not been diagnosed with any behavioral or psychological disorder. He is abusive, narcissistic, self-destructive, occasionally violent, he is a sex addict with substance abuse problems, and his fear of abandonment and persecution run rampant through every relationship he has.

I have 8 younger siblings, 5 of whom still live at home with him and his wife (our mother died 7 years ago). Of the three who are grown and out of the house, my two brothers both exhibit chilling similarities to my father's abusive tendencies in interacting with my sister, who has obvious self-worth and codependency issues stemming from her problems with Dad, making her an easy target for further bullying. The three of them live in an apartment together. The oldest is kind of acting as an "alpha" now, and is looking more like my dad every day. All three of them deal with varying levels of alcohol abuse. I like to think of myself as reasonably well-adjusted, but it bothers me that I see so much dysfunction in the way my other grown siblings behave. It makes me wonder if I'm that broken, too. So far, I'm the only one who has "settled down"... . My husband and I live with our 1-year-old daughter near the rest of my family (we're all within 20 minutes of each other). It has been a real challenge to separate myself as an independent adult, in charge of a family of my own, with all the drama my dad likes to kick up.

Growing up, the abuse was incredibly physical. His mood was volatile and unpredictable, and it was not uncommon to be thrown across the room or chased through the house, only to be slammed into a wall. That was years ago, though. In the last 10-ish years, the abuse has transitioned to intense emotional and psychological manipulation. He still has complete control over my 21-year-old sister as a result of that. Nowadays, his favorite recourse is to offer or withhold love based on how well he thinks someone is "behaving". He is also notorious for using the children who live in his house as leverage to get his way.

Most recently, he had refused to allow me to visit my youngest brother in order to give him his birthday present (his birthday was a month ago, and I just found out yesterday that he thinks I just forgot about him). This time, he's upset because I won't change my mind about how my daughter will address his wife. (She's been "Jane" for the last year, but at my daughter's birthday party, all the gifts were addressed from "Papa and Meema", despite my express desire to reserve the honor of a grandmother name for the woman who was actually a mother to me my entire life.) Jane is almost as vindictive as Dad is... . they generally dig their heels in together.

So now I'm not allowed to see my siblings as punishment (an unspoken punishment... . he simply ignores me when I ask about it). He's also informed me that in the future, my daughter may refer to them as "Mr. and Mrs. Chesed", since they are "one and the same" and he "will not allow anyone to undermine that, not even family". Blegh.

I'm finding that the more I stand my ground on certain issues, the less he tries to push back the next time. It's tough, though. Especially when I know that all my brothers and sisters are being punished along with me in the meantime.

So. That's my story. This is why I decided to start doing my research. I was first introduced to the concept of BPD two years ago, when I was searching the shelves of my favorite bookstore for help on how to deal with difficult, emotionally overwhelming family relationships. I had no name for it. But then I saw two books on the shelf that got my attention: "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I identified with both of those sentences. It turned out they both dealt with BPD... . and so began my search for help.

Right now, I don't really have the option of cutting ties with my Dad, since that would obviously cut me off from most of my family as well. In that sense, I really identify with spouses who are reluctant to leave their BPD partners for custodial reasons. My desire is to find a way to live as peacefully as possible with my dad in my life, and to learn how to help the two of us understand each other as clearly as possible. I think that's my best shot at staying in my siblings' lives.

I thought "Chesed" was an appropriate username, because it kind of captures my desire for my relationship with my dad... . it's a Hebrew word that's difficult to translate into English, but it can be described with a few words: lovingkindness, mercy, loyalty, faithfulness, steadfast love, etc. That's the heart I want to have toward him... . even though at this time, I really struggle with hating him.



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