She's seeing someone else already

[mtmc01]

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She hasn't rubbed it in my face or anything, it was my own fault for figuring it out. I went onto her Instagram and saw the pictures of them together on his and her pages- on the beach, at the coffee shop, etc. We were engaged to be married FIVE FREAKING WEEKS AGO. What a freaking heartless psychopath.

[paperlung]

Sheesh, that's tough. At least you didn't tie the knot.

[mtmc01]

But hey, she's "found God" now. So everything she does is ok... .

[freshstart48]

It hurts I'm sure but like you said, are you really surprised? My now ex BPO-gf signed up on a new dating site less than a week after our breakup. It's been 10 days now and I wouldn't be surprised if she's already dated and or slept someone. We broke up after 10 months around xmas time. When we got back together in late January, she admitted to a one night stand with a kid almost 20 year younger. She brushed it off by saying "i don't always make good decisions". This women can't stand to be alone without a guy in her life.

The big rock for you and I and many others here is to fix ourselves. Clearly we have our own issues for us to stay in bad relationships from the start then be devastated when they end.  To make matters worse, we then fixate on them for weeks or months afterwards.

[mtmc01]

Yeah, everything you said is true. It's just very difficult to go from planning your life around someone (even though things were in a rough patch) to this. Her putting 100% blame on me and moving on without batting an eye. I'm pretty sure things started with this guy almost immediately after. And we were flipping engaged. The wedding was supposed to be in May. And I was the one who was considering leaving HER at Christmas when her drinking spiralled insanely out of control and she tried offing herself to keep me around.

[freshstart48]

Yeah, everything you said is true. It's just very difficult to go from planning your life around someone (even though things were in a rough patch) to this. Her putting 100% blame on me and moving on without batting an eye. I'm pretty sure things started with this guy almost immediately after. And we were flipping engaged. The wedding was supposed to be in May. And I was the one who was considering leaving HER at Christmas when her drinking spiralled insanely out of control and she tried offing herself to keep me around.

I read your intro post and honestly, you should be THRILLED someone else is having to deal with her vs. you. Don't beat yourself up for your mistakes in that relationship either. Not many guys would of put up with her crap for long.  Your ex like mine don't feel like we do or have the empathy that other non's do. I think they only worry about themselves and their coping mechanisms are finding another guy to fill a huge whole in them and help them feel complete. I think it's also a distraction from them having to feel any pain from their issues they have.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know it hurts, and the thing that has helped me most is realizing none of us are different.  She's still in the idolization stage with the new guy, and once that wanes, he'll be getting the same crap you did.  If you reengage, she could use you against him to triangulate.  It's a "disordered" game they play, and there always has to be a new idol.  Be grateful you got out.

[slimmiller]

Dude sorry to hear that!

Truth is though, you are lucky. I take it you have no kids with her? I do with mine and she never left me before she started sleeping with a creepy foreign college student half my age. Of course she is justified because of my dating someone she didnt approve of before I ever even met her

You are now free and able to get into a healthy relationship

[Consumed]

Probably the hardest thing for me in the past 2 months of NC has been to not look things up or wonder what she's doing or ask others (I work with a friend of hers). I have been severely depressed and have a BOAT LOAD of healing and self-discovery to do. I have been proud that I have not engaged in it (probably the only thing I'm proud of right now). I know how much that rips the scab off and continues the bleeding. I think about "how did it happen" "why", and the loss. I think about her 5yr old son (my Buddy) constantly. mtmc01, it has helped huge to not let myself go to any internet stuff that has to do with her. I have put myself through hell with texts and checking FB and stuff like that every time we broke up. This time I blocked her phone number, email, FB, and unfriended some mutual friends (mostly her friends) on FB that I knew she could check on me through them. Some of that was the last 1% that I wouldn't let go of in past efforts. It has really helped me, but it was so hard making that decision. In the past, she had blocked me from FB and it turned into a jr. high type of game. A friend of mine that's on her friend's list let me use his account so I could "know what's up" so I was behaving just as bad. This time I called my friend and asked him to change his password and not to give it to me again. I'm still a mess and have a long way to go, but this is something that has made a difference. I had to just make that decision for myself. Now I need to somehow get off the couch and work at feeling good again. That's a tough one right now. Thanks for listening. You can do it mtmc01. Let it scab over.

[grad]

Realize that a pwBPD moves on to new supply quickly to rid themselves of the pain they internalize.  Yes it can seem heartless but it in fact has nothing to do with you but the disorder itself.

[goodguy]

Like others on here have said, its par for the course. Mine got with her next guy the night she and I broke up. Yes, the same night. She had been setting up her next rs in the weeks leading up to our breakup.

I know it hurts, but feel relieved you don't have her in your life. She showed you her true colors. Remember to judge them by their actions.

[lostkitten]

God. I know EXACTLY what youre feeling. I'm in the same boat - our wedding was supposed to be in July. He's seeing someone else now, and from what ive put together, it appears to have started 5 weeks after we broke up. I'm depressed and hurt and feel so cheated. So, so, cheated.

[gettingoverit]

I know this hurts big time for you. I was also in the same boat pretty much like most people on this board. The one thing my ex has been consistent with, is how she conducts herself in all of her relationships. For 12 days my xBPDgf stopped talking to me, she moved into another room to work through stuff or reevaluate our relationship or some such BS. In actuality she was going out on secret dates with my now ex-friend and getting her hooks into her new supply. The minute she knew this new 'elationship' was a go, she broke up with me. They were talking about marriage two weeks into their relationship, and got secretly engaged about three weeks after we split. They officially announced their engagment six months later (I guess they knew how bad it looked to the outside world if they knew the truth ). They married about 16 months after we split. I think the thing that stings the most is about a month before we broke up, she was showing me engagment rings she wanted ME to get her.   As someone on here has said before, they can never be alone. They need someone to make them feel whole and to take their mind off of themselves and their own feelings of inadequacy. It truly is part of the disorder. As much as it hurts, it has nothing to do with you or you lacking anything as a partner, lover and friend. It feels personal, but it is not. They do this to every person they get involved with unless they get serious help. If it makes you feel better, know that the chances of that relationship surviving are slim to none.

[mtmc01]

What makes it even more difficult is just how much she seemingly changed overnight. When we were together, she always claimed to be unsure of her beliefs, but used to be a Christian. Then, once she started AA, she apparently started getting more religious again due to her sponsor... . then she started attending church and going to church group activities behind my back, claiming it was always AA meetings. I know that these people and her mother played no small part in turning her against me, but I also know she must have been spinning quite the tale of how terrible I was. After she left, she suddenly started posting nothing but Bible verses and things about Jesus and all of that type of stuff. It's as if she's using this newfound "faith" as an excuse for all of her actions. And so she at some point met this guy at church, and now he fits her new criteria. And I'm sure he thinks she has been "saved" and he will help to keep her happy after she was "dashed to pieces" by her last boyfriend. That's the same BS I was fed. But, what really eats at me is, what if it works out? What if she sticks to this newfound devout belief in Christianity and her and this dude actually work out and have a healthier relationship? It makes me sick to see the mirroring already starting. Even though she has me blocked on FB, I still have a way of seeing her profile, and she said something about reading Batman comics... . something this guy is apparently really into. With me, it was the music I liked, the TV shows I liked, the movies I liked, etc. I really just wish we had never met.

Also, is it NORMAL for the dumper to move on so quickly? My T told me it's most likely going to take me at least a year to fully heal and be ready for another serious relationship after everything we went through. Is this just the case for the dumpee? Do mentally and emotionally healthy people jump into another relationship like this if they are the one to leave? I mean, less than 2 months before she left she was professing her undying love for me and saying she'd rather die than live without me. Then, just because I was being more distant, less affectionate, and harder on her for the THREE WEEKS she had been moved back in, she bailed. She had the nerve to BLAME me for her getting closer to God due to how I was acting since she had moved back in. Ugh. I feel sick.

[trevjim]

Although I was the dumper, I feel like the dumpee because she got with someone the next day.

[schwing]

Hi mtmc01

What makes it even more difficult is just how much she seemingly changed overnight.

This is a difficult aspect of how our BPD partners seem to move on so quickly and decisively, but I would argue that this only serves as evidence of their personality disorder.

When we were together, she always claimed to be unsure of her beliefs, but used to be a Christian. Then, once she started AA, she apparently started getting more religious again due to her sponsor... . then she started attending church and going to church group activities behind my back, claiming it was always AA meetings.

My understanding of BPD is that people with BPD (pwBPD) have unfixed *personalities*.  It's like *who* they are depends upon to whom they attach themselves.  When she was attached to you, she was "unsure" of her beliefs.  But now that she has identified herself with the next person, I guarantee you it serves her attachment by being someone who is very active in her church.  And when she attaches herself to the next person, her values and priorities will shift yet again.

I know that these people and her mother played no small part in turning her against me, but I also know she must have been spinning quite the tale of how terrible I was.

This is the distortion campaign.  While she was with you, I'm fairly certain she told you distorted stories about her fellow church members and mother.  Just as I'm certain that she told them distorted stories about you, which was the impetus for them "turning her against" you.  They didn't *turn her*... . she changed who she attached herself to as a consistent aspect of her personality disorder.

My understanding of pwBPD is that as they become more attached to you, their disordered feelings begin to escalate.  At the beginning of your relationship where there was less familiarity and intimacy, her disordered feelings were more manageable.  But as your relationship developed, and her disordered feelings escalated, then her behaviors changed.  As they become more overwhelmed by the fear that we are going to abandon them (even if this fear is disordered in nature) they cannot help but find a way to leave us first, and this means attaching themselves to someone else.

After she left, she suddenly started posting nothing but Bible verses and things about Jesus and all of that type of stuff. It's as if she's using this newfound "faith" as an excuse for all of her actions.

Her "faith" is not the source of her changed behaviors/attachments/personality traits, her disorder is.  Her sudden change in her beliefs is just another expression of her disorder.

And so she at some point met this guy at church, and now he fits her new criteria. And I'm sure he thinks she has been "saved" and he will help to keep her happy after she was "dashed to pieces" by her last boyfriend. That's the same BS I was fed. But, what really eats at me is, what if it works out? What if she sticks to this newfound devout belief in Christianity and her and this dude actually work out and have a healthier relationship?

That is a real fear.  I've had this fear.  It is just another emotion.  Rationally, if you truly believe that she suffers from this disorder, you will accept that she will not spontaneously cure herself of this disorder.  Just like at the beginning of your relationship with her, all her attractive traits that made her a perfect match for you didn't last.  Neither will her new-found traits last or sufficiently cover up her underlying issues.

You cannot cure mental illness just by pretending it's not there.  Nor can you love someone sufficiently such that they are no longer mentally ill.

It makes me sick to see the mirroring already starting. Even though she has me blocked on FB, I still have a way of seeing her profile, and she said something about reading Batman comics... . something this guy is apparently really into. With me, it was the music I liked, the TV shows I liked, the movies I liked, etc. I really just wish we had never met. 

I know it makes you sick.  But also accept that this is yet more evidence that she has this disorder.

And if you never met, then you might be vulnerable to repeating a similar relationship such as this.  Now that you know better, you are much less likely to repeat this mistake.

Also, is it NORMAL for the dumper to move on so quickly? My T told me it's most likely going to take me at least a year to fully heal and be ready for another serious relationship after everything we went through. Is this just the case for the dumpee?

It is "normal" for a non-disordered person to go through a degree of grief when an important attachment has ended.  It is not "normal" for someone to be seriously attached to someone else not to experience grief and pain in the detachment process.  For your loved one move on so quickly is yet another piece of evidence that she is disordered.

Do mentally and emotionally healthy people jump into another relationship like this if they are the one to leave? I mean, less than 2 months before she left she was professing her undying love for me and saying she'd rather die than live without me.

For someone who is mentally disordered in such a way that how they *attach* to other people is in some way impaired... . this kind of serial relationships might indicate their disorder.  Plus I would bet money that she was already working on the next guy some time before you actually broke up with her.

Then, just because I was being more distant, less affectionate, and harder on her for the THREE WEEKS she had been moved back in, she bailed.

She bailed because she was primed and ready to bail long before you even considered leaving her.  She was preparing to leave you long before you ever considered it because her disorder had her thinking that you were planning on leaving her long before it ever occurred to you.  The *minute* you showed any smidgen of a sign that you had second thoughts, she *abandoned* you before you could "abandon" her.  The fear of abandonment is not the fear of no longer being with someone, it is the fear the someone you are with will leave you *first*.  But if you leave them before they leave you, then you will have avoided that feared abandonment.

She had the nerve to BLAME me for her getting closer to God due to how I was acting since she had moved back in. Ugh. I feel sick.

She blamed you because in her mind you had *everything* to do with her changed feelings.  Of course she cannot articulate *how* you changed everything.  Because in truth, you had *nothing* to do with her changed feelings.  In truth her disorder has everything to do with all the disordered feelings she has had to deal with (outside of your knowledge).

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[mtmc01]

Thank you for your response, that was very helpful.

[haliewa1]

One of the biggest differences between a non and a BPD is that the non will feel remorse and wish for what was good in the relationship to recreate itself in spite of the BPD's determination to find another person to cast the spell upon and go through the entire scenario again and expect something different to happen!  My exBPDgf could not feel true empathy nor could she entirely forgive me of anything she felt I did wrong!  Instead of forgiveness, she used the emotions to motivate herself to find another person to begin a r/s with!  If that's not sickness then I don't know what it might look like!

[BradyK]

This is all so incredibly helpful to me to read. You have thrown me a life preserver.

I broke up with my uxBPDbf a little more than a year ago. He became engaged about 2 weeks later to someone he met 3 days after our breakup. They married within 6 weeks. I have had a very difficult time coming to terms with this.

Of course he has every right to live his life and move on. But the rapidity and finality of it is still shocking, bewildering, and painful. I was sure he loved me. I did love him. I still do. How is it humanly possible to do this?

I haven't spoken to him in about a year, and I am mostly over it. But not completely. I have seen that a great many of the issues that I thought were unique to our relationship -- certainly unique in my personal experience --- are pretty typical for folks on this site.  These posts have helped me connect many dots.

[MakeItHappen]

Yeah,

I wasn't too surprised either to find out my exBPD (w/NPD traits) is already, "in love" again.  Had probably found this new love before we we're even over.

At least, it sure seems that way via those silly little Facebook postings that I've seen through mutual friends pages... .

Blessing actually.

[expos]

This is all so incredibly helpful to me to read. You have thrown me a life preserver.

I broke up with my uxBPDbf a little more than a year ago. He became engaged about 2 weeks later to someone he met 3 days after our breakup. They married within 6 weeks. I have had a very difficult time coming to terms with this.

Of course he has every right to live his life and move on. But the rapidity and finality of it is still shocking, bewildering, and painful. I was sure he loved me. I did love him. I still do. How is it humanly possible to do this?

I haven't spoken to him in about a year, and I am mostly over it. But not completely. I have seen that a great many of the issues that I thought were unique to our relationship -- certainly unique in my personal experience --- are pretty typical for folks on this site.  These posts have helped me connect many dots.

Don't worry, his marriage will be over by the time you are fully recovered.  Just make sure you are ready for his return... .

[Vatz]

Oh I said "See ya" to mine today. I'm willing to put down money she's already sleeping with her "best friend."

It's kind of cynical, I guess.

I would say she's only going to abuse him the way she abused you. Pretty soon he won't want to take any pictures with her.

[paperlung]

They typically move on very fast. My ex always has. My replacement lives in another country, though. She doesn't drive and is scared of flying, so keeping this LDR going is going to difficult, unless she decides to eventually move to where he lives. Just crazy stuff.

[Vatz]

They typically move on very fast. My ex always has. My replacement lives in another country, though. She doesn't drive and is scared of flying, so keeping this LDR going is going to difficult, unless she decides to eventually move to where he lives. Just crazy stuff.

Either that or cheat on the new guy. Either way, just be glad she's gone. Take a breather, ya know?