Another day...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's the second day after the breakup. It's hard because I'm sitting here wishing all that bad stuff never happened.

I'm sitting here thinking "Man, it was just way too impulsive for me to have just left like that."

But it wasn't really impulsive, it was brewing for a long time. But on the same token, I find myself saying "I should have just let her have her friend, does her having sex with him really even matter?" Thing is, it does or I wouldn't have a problem with it. It does matter, and it does hurt. I also know what that kind of relationship would be like. I'd be neglected, while he'd be getting all the attention. He's the shiny new plaything after all.

I feel like I have become crazier as a result of this relationship, or maybe my craziness was always there. I saw a quote about narcissists and how they "withdraw when they no longer feel they are special." It does describe me in a way. I've always wanted to feel special, unique and great in the eyes of my loved ones. I feel I have to be the best looking and the best in bed, otherwise I do feel like I'm nothing and not worth being around, that I don't deserve a faithful and loyal partner.

Still, I miss her way too bad. But I don't want to talk to her. I know her voice will only make me hurt more. Sadly I have no one right now that I can talk to. I have a friend, but I don't want to dump my problems on him. I can't talk to my folks because... .   well I just would rather not. My therapy appointment isn't til next week.

It's a crapshoot. It hurts like hell.

[Vatz]

It's the second day after the breakup. It's hard because I'm sitting here wishing all that bad stuff never happened.

I'm sitting here thinking "Man, it was just way too impulsive for me to have just left like that."

But it wasn't really impulsive, it was brewing for a long time. But on the same token, I find myself saying "I should have just let her have her friend, does her having sex with him really even matter?" Thing is, it does or I wouldn't have a problem with it. It does matter, and it does hurt. I also know what that kind of relationship would be like. I'd be neglected, while he'd be getting all the attention. He's the shiny new plaything after all.

I feel like I have become crazier as a result of this relationship, or maybe my craziness was always there. I saw a quote about narcissists and how they "withdraw when they no longer feel they are special." It does describe me in a way. I've always wanted to feel special, unique and great in the eyes of my loved ones. I feel I have to be the best looking and the best in bed, otherwise I do feel like I'm nothing and not worth being around, that I don't deserve a faithful and loyal partner.

Still, I miss her way too bad. But I don't want to talk to her. I know her voice will only make me hurt more. Sadly I have no one right now that I can talk to. I have a friend, but I don't want to dump my problems on him. I can't talk to my folks because... .   well I just would rather not. My therapy appointment isn't til next week.

It's a crapshoot. It hurts like hell.

[laelle]

You deserve better.  You deserve a whole relationship and not half of one.  Why settle?  It hurts now to leave, but eventually that will end, how long do you think you will hurt if you stay?  How long until she throws another whammy on you?  She will because she wont respect you for giving her what she wants.   

[lockedout]

It does get better. I don't know how long you were together, but over time the pain will ease the first couple of weeks are the hardest. Tolerating infidelity is just as bad as engaging in it. If she regarded it as a mistake that she was willing to own up to and do whatever needs to be done to earn back your trust it's one thing - people make mistakes. To expect you to either be OK or to vilify you if you aren't is extremely unhealthy.

For now you have us to talk to. This early on, talking about it is good but it's not unhealthy to look for distractions either. In my early days out of the house (three months ago) I started just by going in my local paper and looking at the entertainment/events calendar. I ended up going to a meditation group and a Bible-based support group. Those were just a couple of things and I'm sure there's more, but going someplace you've never been before to do something you've never done, and among a group of strangers can be very therapeutic. Journaling and exercise are also very therapeutic. The first give you a way to look at your thoughts and get them out of your mind and onto paper, the second is vital to stress management.

Over time you'll meet people to talk to and there will be times that you just don't want to talk about it. In general, I honestly don't want people to know what I endured and only very few close friends have an idea of it but I still save the most complicated parts for this forum.

[Vatz]

I honestly don't want people to know what I endured and only very few close friends have an idea of it but I still save the most complicated parts for this forum.

That's what I mean. I don't really want people to know what I went through. Yeah, I will someday tell my friend about it. I'll eventually tell my nephew (he's only two years younger but we were like brothers.) But only when the dust settles.

Yes I do have all of you to talk to, and I totally appreciate it. Truth is, I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have this support group and all the wonderful folks that have posted and spoken to me about everything. It's good hearing from people who have been through the same things I have, and it seems that I wasn't just dealing with a cruel woman. I was dealing with insanity. But it's not the kind of insanity like say a schizophrenic, or ADHD or even depression. It was a personality disorder. I was dealing with something that was terribly flawed on a deep level. The way of thinking, the actions, everything was not right. Truly not right.

A schizophrenic you can't blame because they see or hear things that aren't there. They literally don't exist on this plain. Someone with ADHD or depression has a chemical imbalance. People with depression can be hard to deal with, but they aren't overtly cruel. Someone with ADHD just can't sit still. Or what about a nymphomaniac? I heard that that particular disorder is often the result of a brain injury, and that their very way of perceiving facial expressions is just off. These are people who simply CAN'T be held accountable, because they cannot have the capacity to alter their actions much. But Borderlines, it seems, like sociopaths, or narcissists are cruel, but aware of their actions being as such. A borderline will rage and justify it, a sociopath will kill and not have to justify it in their mind because they don't care.

I may not be 100% correct on the stuff listed above, if anyone knows more, please correct me. But the point is, I was dealing with someone who made mistakes and didn't accept the responsibility of cleaning them up. Cheats, and when I say "I do not want you to ever speak to that friend again, because you already crossed the line and I can't trust you" she gets MAD at me. Like she deserves a chance to prove she can be trusted. She would tell me "How can I gain your trust back if I can't even have any friends?" I wanted to laugh... .   and cry.

This relationship was just wrong. I loved her VERY VERY much. She has done some incredibly kind things for me, but they do not outweigh the cruelty. Even if they did, it really wouldn't matter because you can't always pay for bad deeds with good. Sometimes the dirt just can't be washed off.

[HarmKrakow]

I honestly don't want people to know what I endured and only very few close friends have an idea of it but I still save the most complicated parts for this forum.

Sometimes the dirt just can't be washed off.

Dirt can always be washed of. If not for water, you use soap. If not for soap, you replace what it was on. But it can be 'removed'. No point in letting it 'stick'. Holding grudges, no, no point. Mate, been there done that, tried to kill myself over a BPD ex, so, no. I try to let it go, and please, let it go

It seriously CAN be washed of. It seriously can. Please do believe so. It can, it can it can it can.

[lockedout]

You're only two days out so we'll give you a free pass for a little while. It's OK to hold on to anger for a while. It keeps you from going back. A little bit of depression is part of the grieving process. It's important to go through those feelings. I seriously recommend making a journal. That was the main thing getting me through the early days.

And yes, you are right that there you just got out of a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. I only disagree about th eaccountability. In all the different disorders, the people suffering need to be held accountable and many come to a point in their lives that they hold themselves accountable. The only exceptions are the sociopath because they have no feelings and don't experience any sense of loss when marriages and careers fail and their kids are taken away. The other one is BPD; not because they're horrible people but because denial and self-preservation at all cost are wired into the disorder. They associate the humility that they're imperfect and it's OK to be imperfect with abandonment. They probably weren't born with the disorder but probably experienced some serious abandoment or perception of it at a very early and impressionable age. This comes at a great cost to them as well. Me and you will heal and move on some day. They will continue on with their cognitive distortions; never feeling any sense of inner peace, abitlity to trust, or comfort in their own skin. Holding on to your anger for them won't heal you. 





Go ahead and feel

[healingmyheart]

Vatz,

I feel the same pain you do.  My ex was having an emotional affair with the very women who introduced us... .   a very "married" women who he had a physical affair with prior to our relationship... .   he lied about that when i discovered the truth.  I told him I wasn't comfortable with him having any relationship with her because they have crossed so many boundaries but yet I find him texting her in bed at midnight night after night.  I couldn't accept the lies and deceit so i kicked him out.

It's been two months and it's still very painful.  But what choice do we have?  Go back to the dysfunctional relationship and wait til they abuse you again or move on and heal. 

It's painful to have my ex shift the blame on me... .   he says I pushed him to her.  Oh yeah, he blames her for manipulating him and making him talk to her.  Don't you love how they hold no accountability for their part? 

I'm doing everything I can to heal.  I know in time I'll be alright... .   I doubt my ex will every be ok.  So very sad... .  

[Vatz]

@Lockedout, you have a point and people should be held accountable. No matter what the disorder. Maybe I'm bargaining. "If only she had just THESE disorders"

@Healing: Yeah, it was pretty much like that. I hated it so much. Eventually I started telling her that I didn't like it. She still did it. Yeah, as for the blame-shifting, that's probably another good reason not to go back. It's never her fault that it happened, that even the possibility was even there. I told her time and again what she was doing was inappropriate, BEFORE she physically cheated. But she didn't change course. It says a lot.


It's hard to hear you all say that they will struggle with trust and inner peace and what not. Mostly because I still feel like I want to help her. Maybe I really do feel like I failed in some way. I say maybe because so far I didn't think I failed her. But that could be something deeper underneath all this. It hurts to know that this person is still a human being and that they DO have feelings. It's easy to just write someone off as a monster, because then you don't have to feel empathy. But she's a person, with needs, and feelings and goals. She still deserves to be loved and cared for. I still love her very much. You're right though, I'm too angry, I'm too sad and too hurt to be around her. But, on the other side of that, she also has to return that love and caring. Not just during spurts of idealization, but consistently enough. No one is perfect, but the sad reality is that there is a limit. Not just on how imperfect, but a limit on how much we can take.

I'm angry still, but I'm starting to feel very sad. Sad because I can say "well if I did this, that and the other thing... .   " but I realize that even if I DID all those things, the abuse probably wouldn't stop. I can't cry this late at night, I gotta sleep and get up in the morning... .  

[paperlung]

My ex fell out of love with me for someone twice her age from another country, so I broke up with her. He flies over here, and after spending one night with him, my ex decides she wants me back. So he leaves to return to his country like a week later and then she starts to miss him after telling me how much she loved ME and missed ME while he was here visiting. So I gave her an ultimatum; be with me and never talk to him again or go be with him and I'll walk out of your life. She couldn't decide and was acting all depressed about it so I made up her mind for her and left her again. I didn't need to put up with that crap and neither do you.

She managed to pull me back in again for 2 months, but then found some new guy from a different country to cling onto after I dropped hints about there being this other girl who liked me and wanted to hang out. I suspect she felt I was going to abandon her.

[Vatz]

It gets worse... .  

Apparently she had been bleeding for some time, even though she wasn't on her period. Today I found out that that can be a sign of a miscarriage.

She might have actually been pregnant. She cheated and got pregnant. I barely made it through classes this morning, I don't know how I'm gonna make it through work tonight.

For any of you who have read my posts and know my mentality on why women cheat, and with whom, here's an article.

www.news.discovery.com/human/life/women-ovulation-hormones-behavior.htm

See, I knew of stuff like this a long time ago, but... .  

This is why I truly believe that no matter what relationship I am in, I will be cheated on. I am not attractive or symmetrical enough. That no matter what, no matter who I'm with it will just happen again. It can be a borderline, or it can be a non. This is why my I am hurting the most right now. I'm hurting because I believe that I was cheated on because I'm just not good enough. This is the most painful part of the whole matter.

[lockedout]

You were cheated on because for whatever reason, she did not love or respect you. Relationships have problems. Yes, changes in hormones among MANY other factors may lead a partner to cheat. Cheating happens even in relationships with two healthy people but tends to be a symptoms of a troubled relationship where things have deteriorated over time. A spouse meets someone who makes her feel loved and appreciated as if she were young again while the husband has taken things for granted over the years. When it's discovered, they both work together to get to the root of the problem that led to it to begin with. Both feel guilt and responsibility for their own role in the dysfunction. Healing and forgiveness go from there. Trust is earned back by both, not demanded.

Bleeding can occur for any host of reasons and menstrual cycles sometime fall out of synch. Either way I hope you can be optimistic that it wasn't yours. You are thinking way too much into this. You've already done the right thing by getting out. You should also look at that link I sent to you PM. You need to focus on what's ahead: something much better. Not the hypothetical.