I almost forgot I also have a brother, no contact for more than 3 years now

[Kwamina]

I've posted on here about mu uBPD mother and uBPD oldest sister, but I haven't said anything about my brother. I almost forgot about him but a post by someone else here made me think of my past interactions with him. I haven't had any contact with him whatsoever for more than 3 years now. In the years before that the contact we had was limited to 1 or 2 phone calls a year, I usually was the one who called him but at a certain point I stopped doing that.

I have never considered my brother to be BPD because he's very different from my mother and oldest sister. He isn't manipulative or unstable like they are. With mom&sis I never know what to expect, just that they'll probably act crazy but with him I knew exactly what to expect. If I were to characterize him, the following words come to mind: arrogant, condescending, aggressive, monstrous rage and the silent treatment.  He was very unpleasant to be around. He always seemed filled with rage and hatred and he loved employing the silent treatment.  He could keep this up for weeks on end, he wouldn't look at us or say a word to us. My mother also employed the silent treatment but she did it it to manipulate and wasn't able to maintain it for very long. My brother was very different though, he didn't do it to manipulate but it seemed more like by not acknowledging the fact that we were present he thought he might actually make us disappear. His mentality was 'I hate these people and I wish they didn't exist at all!'

Looking back I realize that my brother in many ways resembles what Christine Ann Lawson describes as the borderline Witch in her book Understanding the Borderline Mother. The Witch is totally filled with rage and hatred just like my brother was nearly all of the time. I'm very happy that I don't have any contact with him now because he really only added negativity to my life.

Growing up I basically only had one normal family member, my youngest sister who was still a lot older than me. She moved out when she was just 18 (I was 7) because she couldn't take it anymore. In my mother's mind she was the all-bad child while my uBPD oldest sister was the all-good child. This really was a strange environment for me to grow up in. Fortunately I still had my two parrots after my youngest sister moved out  Those parrots were the only ones in the house I could have normal interactions with.

[isshebpd]

Are you currently in contact with your youngest sister?

[chayka]

Kwamina, so sorry to hear about what your brother was like.  Sadly, it does sound as if you're better off without him in your life.

It must have been extremely difficult growing up in a household like that. I also lived in a crazy, toxic environment as a kid, so I can really sympathize.  

I had no sisters or brothers, and when I read some of the posts on here, I sometimes feel quite thankful for that! I do wish I'd had some parrots, though.

Chayka

[Louise7777]

Hey Kwamina! Very funny your comment abt the parrots.

I had never connected BPD and the silent treatment, but makes a lot of sense. I believe ST is a kind of punishment. And its abuse, for sure.

Im glad your sister left, its tough to be painted black by ur own mother!  You never mention and I dont want to intrude (I did, anyway), but was there a dad in the picture? Or maybe grandparents? If your mom raised u 4 by helself, it must have added more stress to her and then on u... .  

[Kwamina]

@issheBPD

Yes I'm still in contact with my youngest sister! And she still is the only family member I can have a normal conversation with. With my mother and other sister I keep things very superficial, never telling them anything really important because I know I can't trust them. My parrots have been dead for 10 years now, but I still think about the good times with them a lot  Those were the days!

@chayka

Thanks for your kind words! I understand what you mean about sometimes feeling thankful not having brothers and sisters. I was very sad when my youngest sister moved out, but I couldn't wait for those other two to move out. Especially my brother because it was clear he really didn't give a damn about us. When I look at my uBPD mom & oldest sis I can still list some redeeming qualities but with my brother this is really hard to do.

After all of my siblings had left my mother changed, she started 'splitting' me. This is one of the aspects of my mother's behavior that I found really disturbing. She has certain mean behaviors but this was definitely one of her crazy behaviors. Sometimes she treated my like an angel but it had nothing to do with me, it was all in her mind and if I refused to go along with her she would get angry or very sad. Other times she would treat me like a devil for no reason, nothing in my behavior had changed. It's like she needed me to be two people, two extremes while in reality I was somewhere in the middle. Have you experienced this extreme 'splitting' too with your uBPD mother?

@cristina

That's a very good question Cristina! I grew up without my father and still have no contact with him. My mother barely ever spoke about him but when she did it was always in a negative way, she was the victim of course. At first I believed everything she said but it soon became clear to me that things just didn't add up. As I got older I realized that yeah he might not have been a good husband and father, but my mother also definitely was not a good wife nor a good mother. After all my experiences with her I know now that she's impossible to live with in a healthy way. Knowing what I know now my parents quite resemble the classic BPD Queen and NPD King couple. My father probably wasn't a NPD King though, but my mother sure wanted him to be one. My parents got married when I was a baby and after learning from my youngest sister what it was like I could see several clear signs of BPD. The marriage celebrations lasted for three whole days which was crazy, way over the top. A true BPD Queen wanting to get as much attention as possible. Only six months later the marriage was over. At first my father was all-good in my mother's mind but then all-bad and she threw him out just like that, also cutting him out of pictures. I've seen her act this way with friends and relatives too which stunned me. She would be very close with people for a while, actually way too close which irritated me because to me this didn't seem healthy at all. Then all of a sudden she'd throw these people out because they had done something that offended 'The Queen'. Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a BPD Queen scorned!

My grandmother was the one that kept my mother stable, but after she died my mother had no one to keep her stable anymore, she wasn't able to do it by herself. Analyzing the past now, it doesn't surprise me that my mother's first child was borne not even a year after my grandmother had died. She couldn't be alone so she wanted other people around to basically regulate her emotions. When I say regulate I also mean people she could control and take her frustrations out on so she could feel better about herself. It isn't easy raising four kids on your own that's true, but my mother also uses people to keep herself stable which makes it very difficult to live with her. When you live in the same house as her, her behavior totally drains you emotionally and spiritually and makes you feel like you're losing your mind. That's how I felt when living with her, everything is about her and there is absolutely no room for your feelings, needs, wants etc.

I think you're right about the silent treatment being a sort of punishment. Guess my brother was punishing us for our very existence. How dare we exist!

[Louise7777]

Hey again Kwamina!

Im so sorry to see you have been through a lot. Im not surprised, I find it very familiar! About your father, I dont know, maybe it would be good for you to be in touch? Maybe it will heal some wounds? Or maybe it will  cause trouble... .   Has your T mentioned anything abt the issue?

You said  "She couldn't be alone so she wanted other people around to basically regulate her emotions. When I say regulate I also mean people she could control and take her frustrations out on so she could feel better about herself. It isn't easy raising four kids on your own that's true, but my mother also uses people to keep herself stable which makes it very difficult to live with her. When you live in the same house as her, her behavior totally drains you emotionally and spiritually and makes you feel like you're losing your mind. That's how I felt when living with her, everything is about her and there is absolutely no room for your feelings, needs, wants etc."

Im so so so sorry to hear that! I understand she needed people around her, they actually need an entourage. Its what I call "Marie Antoinette´s syndrome": they need slaves around (not even servants). I agree completely with you, they drain you and even so, its not enough. I call tem vampires.

Im glad you managed to escape (and I mean the word escape). Keep in touch with your youngest sister, pls, Im glad you too get along well. Have a great weekend! 

[Kwamina]

Im so sorry to see you have been through a lot. Im not surprised, I find it very familiar! About your father, I dont know, maybe it would be good for you to be in touch? Maybe it will heal some wounds? Or maybe it will  cause trouble... .   Has your T mentioned anything abt the issue?

Hi cristina   I must say you're asking a lot of good questions! Contact with my father is something I'm not considering at all, got enough drama going on with the family members I do still have contact with. As far as your question about a T, I've actually been working through this on my own. I have followed an online cognitive behavior therapy program, I found this very helpful. Since then I've been applying CBT techniques in my life as outlined in the great book 'Feelin Good' and have been doing better. I still have difficult days and moments as can be expected, but not as bad as in the past. Now I'm better able to feel whatever I am feeling without breaking down. Before I couldn't handle my emotions at all so I tried very hard to suppress them. Before I didn't even know how to talk about the things I was going through and look at me now, I'm on bpdfamily  I do believe a good T can be greatly beneficial to someone's healing process though, every situation is different and everybody has just gotta find something that works for them and right now the things I'm doing work for me. Doing the online CBT program already was a big step for me and joining bpdfamily too, I've benefited greatly from both. Who knows what my next step will be on my road to recovery. Take care and I'll see you around