How do you respond to nitpicking?

[Indiana]

What are some ways I can respond to my wife's nitpicking?

For example, yesterday evening it was raining very hard where we live.  She did not stop on her way home for gas, so I volunteered to go fill her car up after supper.

This morning she scolded me, almost in tears, for "tracking mud all over her car".  I looked at it.  It was barely noticeable and I never stepped in any mud while I had her vehicle. 

I told her I was sorry and that I would clean it up this evening after work.  I guarantee that when I clean it up this evening, I will be scolded for taking too long, not getting it clean, and I will be reminded that I should not have tracked mud into her car in the first place.

Most things I do are met with questioning and criticism.  It seems I never do things exactly the way she would have done them.  It is driving me crazy and I want to know how anyone in a similar situation copes with this kind of behavior. 

It is to the point where my teenage children laugh at me about it behind her back.  "Sucks to be you", they often say. 

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[CodependentHusband]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I have gotten pretty good at ignoring unwarranted criticism. I do apologize, but only when I truly feel I was in the wrong, and I don't go on and on apologizing. I had a big struggle with that last part, to be honest. You see, my wife often doesn't accept my apologies and 'let go' of an issue. I have to have the self-confidence that I did the right thing by apologizing (or not), and let things go, even if she doesn't. It's important for me not to apologize for things beyond my control or things that don't warrant an apology. I can't have self-respect if I feel like I'm letting her roll all over me.

On the surface it may sound like I am saying 'ignore it,' but I think you can see that it's not quite that simple. If I had to say it more succintly, "Live your values. Maintain your self-respect. Identify 'your stuff,' and let her deal with 'her stuff.'"

[Mono No Aware]

I have found nitpicking to be a game of Russian Roulette: out of the six nit-picks, one (or more... .   ) is a chamber loaded with a blow-up episode. So it becomes a gambling judgement where in an instant you FEEL must you choose:

a) Ignore it, crossing fingers that she'll forget it (as you and I both know the mud is merely a temporary stand-in for deeper issues... .   )

b) Timidly apologize, try to go back in time and make it right (as you and I both know cleaning the mud up does not absolve one of the sin of getting mud in the car in the first place... .   )

Neither has any success rate in preventing blow-ups.

Reading the lessons from other people here, I found that apologizing for things you did not do is recommended against. If the mud was not a real issue (grey area as OCD people may consider two grains of sand and one drop of water on the same scale as a bucket of swamp-mud) then you shouldn't aplogize.

But conversely, to maintain the peace in the house you may have to NOT call her out on it or ignore her manipulation because that's just asking for a blow-up. Somehow you've got to get on her side, Support Empthay Truth style.

Read the Lessons and try to find a tactic or strategy.

[maryy16]

My H used to nit-pick all the time... .  

Once I did the laundry and his t-shirts came out a bit wrinkled.  He went on and on about how incompetent I was, how I can't do a simple thing like do the laundry correctly, etc., even after I offered to put them in again or iron them for him. He concluded with ":)on't ever touch my clothes again!"  So, I didn't.  He did his laundry himself for a long time and I never offered again.

Or the time I was out washing my car and thought I'd do him a favor and wash his car... .   unfortunately I guess I either I left some water marks on his car or didn't wash it to his satisfaction and he went on and on and on.  Again, saying ":)on't ever touch my car again".  So I didn't.

I learned to stop offering to do things for him.  Instead of being a nice gesture, it would inevitably turn into a fiasco.

Now this was many years ago and he has since really made progress in his recovery, so today I do his laundry and wash his car, and he thanks me for doing it!

[Chosen]

This post resonates with me.  In the past I responded very poorly.  Now, I am improving somewhat, but still nowhere near perfect.  On many occasions, the hardest is to just bear it on the inside, not say anything to retaliate (or that will lead to more shaming, arguing... .   ), and just trying to let the brewing storm pass.  When H is nitpicking, he will usually demand me to answer him, which I am slowly learning to do by saying as little as possible, and not raising my voice or showing any negative emotion. 

I learned to stop offering to do things for him.  Instead of being a nice gesture, it would inevitably turn into a fiasco.

I also have stopped offering to do stuff.  Because the more I do, the more fault he will find in me.  Why bring this torture on myself?  I do stuff for him when I am feeling generous.  I don't offer because I feel I "need" to because inevitably it wouldn't end well and I will not be appreciated anyway.

[yeeter]

Thick skin - ignoring the bulk of it

Stop doing things for her voluntarily (or dramatically limiting them)

No real response when the nit picking does happen, something like "I did that?  Oh."  Just a flat acknowledgement, but no tone to infer wrongdoing

Owning things I really did do.  But very limited.  "Oh I see... .   that did happen.  Sorry"  Here I am VERY careful not to apologize much.  And not to JADE.  More a flat acknowledgment that it wasnt ideal, but it still happened.  

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I have gotten pretty good at ignoring unwarranted criticism. I do apologize, but only when I truly feel I was in the wrong, and I don't go on and on apologizing. I had a big struggle with that last part, to be honest. You see, my wife often doesn't accept my apologies and 'let go' of an issue. I have to have the self-confidence that I did the right thing by apologizing (or not), and let things go, even if she doesn't. It's important for me not to apologize for things beyond my control or things that don't warrant an apology. I can't have self-respect if I feel like I'm letting her roll all over me.

On the surface it may sound like I am saying 'ignore it,' but I think you can see that it's not quite that simple. If I had to say it more succintly, "Live your values. Maintain your self-respect. Identify 'your stuff,' and let her deal with 'her stuff.'"

Similar advice here.

We are human, mistakes are a normal part of it, and I like it that way... .