Indecent exposure

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uNPDbro walks around our parents house like it was his own apartment. He wears next to nothing,  even when he is in their kitchen. They are afraid of his anger so don't ever confront him on anything.

Recently, my wife was at my parents place (I wasn't there), went downstairs not knowing uNPDbro was there, and saw more than she ever wanted to see of him. His reaction wasn't to apologize and put something on. Rather he just kept walking around like she wasn't there.

I asked my wife if she felt like he was being a pervert. She said, no, he was just being disrespectful and oblivious.

Should I do anything about this? My wife is just grossed out, not traumatized. I just don't think its right for unBPDbro to treat my parents (uBPDmom and enablerdad) like this.

[isshebpd]

My uNPDbro walks around our parents house like it was his own apartment. He wears next to nothing,  even when he is in their kitchen. They are afraid of his anger so don't ever confront him on anything.

Recently, my wife was at my parents place (I wasn't there), went downstairs not knowing uNPDbro was there, and saw more than she ever wanted to see of him. His reaction wasn't to apologize and put something on. Rather he just kept walking around like she wasn't there.

I asked my wife if she felt like he was being a pervert. She said, no, he was just being disrespectful and oblivious.

Should I do anything about this? My wife is just grossed out, not traumatized. I just don't think its right for unBPDbro to treat my parents (uBPDmom and enablerdad) like this.

[ScarletOlive]

This one is a tough one since it's common in families. Your brother probably doesn't realize that how he's acting is at the very least disrespectful (and gross) in front of your wife. If family members do this, you can simply say, "Eww, go put some clothes on!" It tends to work. If it's a further problem, then maybe you or your wife need to set up a boundary-he may live there, but you don't have to visit unless he's dressed decently, etc.

[isshebpd]

Many years ago, we briefly shared an apartment with my uNPDbro. Once my wife came home to find him walking around wearing just a towel (wrapped badly) and talking on the phone. My wife asked him to get dressed and he responded with profanities. I was at work at the time. I think he stopped doing it, but confronting him was unpleasant for her.

What really bothers me about uNPDbro's behaviour today our parents house is not his home. He has an apartment, but for some crazy reason still has a bed in our parents basement. Whenever he isn't feeling well (mentally or physically) he ends up in our parents basement. When he's not feeling well, he is particularly difficult to be around. He will rage and swear at any perceived slight.

It seems the stereotype of narcissists is someone who obsesses over their appearance. My uNPDbro isn't like that, most of the time. He is actually quite difficult to look at, and doesn't take care of himself. Our uBPDmom acts like a nurse-maid to him when he visits their place.

I'm NC with uNPDbro so if I see his car outside our parents house, I stay away. My wife sometimes goes over to help uBPDmom with something. She might not know my uNPDbro is around until she gets there.

I guess any visits by either of us need to be preceded with a phone call to my parents. We can ask if you-know-who is there and for how long. It's sad it has to be like this. Approaching the situation like this will be a bit upsetting for uBPDmom but I think she can deal with it.

[GeekyGirl]

It's a tough call. If your brother was still in your house or around young children, it would be easy to set a "no nudity" rule, IMO. In this case, your brother is sort-of living in your parents' house and your wife is visiting.

I agree that this is a boundary that your wife should set if she's uncomfortable (and who could blame her? ). It's possible that your brother is "showing off", but he might not think anything of it. Whatever the reason behind it, it has to be awkward for your wife.

It sounds like your parents won't confront your brother, so I agree that a phone call before either of you visits is a good idea. 

[isshebpd]

I'm starting to wonder if my brother is more autistic than narcissistic. The fact that he apparently doesn't care about his appearance most of the time goes against NPD.

He also deals better with things (especially computers) than people, and misses social cues. My uBPDmom also claims he doesn't lie and manipulate, though I don't know if either of us know all his motivations for his behaviour.

My T hasn't really commented on whether or not my brother is NPD. I think the problem is high-end autism (eg. aspergers) can appear similar to NPD. Sometimes I wonder if my Dad is a bit autistic too.

If my uBPDmom is right, and my brother isn't a liar/manipulator, than I feel better about relating to my FOO in the future. It makes me less nervous, more trusting.

[GeekyGirl]

My T hasn't really commented on whether or not my brother is NPD. I think the problem is high-end autism (eg. aspergers) can appear similar to NPD. Sometimes I wonder if my Dad is a bit autistic too.

It's likely that your T doesn't feel comfortable diagnosing (even unofficially) your brother without knowing him, and your T's focus is probably on you and your well-being.

If my uBPDmom is right, and my brother isn't a liar/manipulator, than I feel better about relating to my FOO in the future. It makes me less nervous, more trusting.

I think it's really important here to focus on the behaviors that you're seeing from your brother and how you canreact to them.

What would change if you do find out that your brother is autistic? Would you change up your approach?

[isshebpd]

Based on what I'm reading, despite having similar symptoms sometimes, there is a huge difference between NPD and high-functioning autism. The prognosis for NPD is gloomy at best, while people with autism can work with treatment.

It's all about trust. When my brother says something that upsets me (or my wife or anyone else I care about) I want to know if its because he is being abusive or just socially awkward. The motivations for his upsetting behaviour are important to me.

In the future, I want to know if I can deal with him in a forthright manner. While I'd like to maintain NC for now, there may come a time when I have to work with him on something. Our uBPDmom knows I'm upset with him and wants us to eventually be on speaking terms again.

To sum it up, I hope he is autistic because it may allow for healing at some point.