acknowledging another's rationale vs. accepting it

[sunrising]

I've come to realize that, while I don't see everything in black and white as a BPD sufferers tend to, I do look for "absolute truths" too often.  In a disagreement or confrontational situation, I seem to want to come to some sort of agreement- and not an agreement to disagree- but we both agree on the same thing.  This is a component of my sometimes overly-logical way of thinking. 

Example: About a year into my 2.5 year relationship with a pwBPD traits, we were in a supposedly committed, monogamous relationship.  She painted me black on a Sunday and slept with someone else Monday (1 day later).  She called me Wednesday to tell me she had done this.  Her rationale: "I never thought I'd talk to you again".  Because I could accept that she felt that way, I almost immediately accepted what she'd done- obviously this was also because my codependency was screaming "get her back".    Since I could sort of understand her feelings, I accepted her rationale and behavior; which was unacceptable.

So I guess the basic question is: How do we practice accepting another person's views without agreeing with them?  I can rationalize it, as I just did in the last sentence, I just want to learn to actually live that way.  I know boundaries and radical acceptance are applicable concepts/ tools, I just don't have complete confidence that my actions going forward will be consistent with my understanding of them.  How do I practice?

sunrising

[seeking balance]

Hey Sunrising,

I know this one well and had the opportunity to work on it while in MC and even deeper in my own T.

I seem to want to come to some sort of agreement- and not an agreement to disagree- but we both agree on the same thing.  This is a component of my sometimes overly-logical way of thinking. 

OK - if it is ONLY your logical thought pattern and not any tie to your self worth - try saying this phrase to yourself next time you are in this situation:

"Sunrising, do I want to be happy or do I want to be right"

Overall, respecting someone else means they can have their own reality - whether it is right or not 

An example the MC used - 2 people see a car accident at a stop sign.  You are on one corner and the other person is on the opposite corner, there are trees everywhere.  Your eye witness is likely going to be opposite and even down right different than the person on the other corner due to PERSPECTIVE and VISION.  Not to mention any other variables - ie, did we mention you had on headphones and were not wearing your glasses?  Or maybe they were on their phone.

At any rate, the same thing can easily be different. 

To say that I have had an easy time with this is not accurate, but I am not really a bulldog these days - I can say my peace, be right in my own mind and agree to disagree - I say to myself, "SB, do you want to be happy or do you want to be right:"

99% of the time being happy wins

What is most important in your life right now Sunrising?  Happy or right?  If you choose right, my guess is it is tied to some core self worth you have placed in this attribute.

[sunrising]

What is most important in your life right now Sunrising?  Happy or right?  If you choose right, my guess is it is tied to some core self worth you have placed in this attribute.

Well, as usual SB, you have managed to make me see myself better.  I definitely place a lot of value on being right.  I've been that way for as long as I can remember.  I've always felt that my logical capabilities were superior to many others and this has compelled me to place an inflated value on being right.  I believe it has also fostered my fixer tendencies- "Since you're not viewing this situation logically, allow me to show you how that would be done".  In healthy and appropriate situations, I believe it does allow me to help others sometimes see things more clearly.  As a matter of fact, I feel people often appreciate me providing this perspective.  My exwBPD traits often solicited advice from me (especially when she was idealizing me, looking back... .   ).  She would say, "You're the rational and logical one".   

I suppose the trick is learning when to walk away.  Saying, "I've shared my opinion, and that's all I can do".  Or better yet, "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?'.

Thanks so much for the advice, SB... .     When I find myself in confrontational situations, I am going to ask this in my head.  I may even say it out loud until I get used to approaching things that way! 

sunrising

 

[seeking balance]

I am going to ask this in my head.  I may even say it out loud until I get used to approaching things that way! 

I have said it out loud before in the moment - got a funny look, so I made a joke out of it.

It's funny, this attribute is one I share and put a lot of value on it as well.  As I have shifted my self-worth from external factors to a simple, "we all have value because we are human" - it has helped me.  Being logical has served me well, a trait for which I am grateful - on the flip side, it has kept me from feeling critical emotions and I am very hard on myself when I am not "perfect".   Like everything, balance and moderation tend to get the best results in life.  This trait is no different - too much value and the negatives will outweigh the value.

Great introspection Sunrising - your ability to dig deep and be vulnerable is commendable!

[sunrising]

Being logical has served me well, a trait for which I am grateful - on the flip side, it has kept me from feeling critical emotions and I am very hard on myself when I am not "perfect".   Like everything, balance and moderation tend to get the best results in life.  This trait is no different - too much value and the negatives will outweigh the value.

I could have written this post myself, if I knew me as well as you seem to know yourself!   I'm trying to get there... .    

It's amazing how often an insightful post here or something my T says will remind me of something my father (a retired counselor) has already said to me.  He has told me several times, "You have an incredible gift with logic and reason.  But any strength, over-used, can become a weakness". 

Thanks again, SB!

[Diligence]

Dear sunrising,

I struggled with your topic this week!  Someone negated my reality.  I instantly felt a codependent urge to justify myself.

I managed to withhold that futile reaction.  I assured myself that my reality really was real!     I reminded myself that the person who offended me by negating my experience obviously has her own issues! 

Faulty thinking wants to make me wrong all the time.  But I am not.  One the one hand, I have motivations behind my choices.  On the other hand, others have motivations behind their choices.  I only have sway over my choices.  This helps me practice the "Live and let live" motto.

Warm regards!

[waverider]

Its not a matter of accepting their rationale, it is whether you can truly understand and accept your own rationale, can you come to real terms about how something they may do affects you, why it affects you, can you alter the way it affects you. Can you bear to continually be affected this way if you cant change it.

It is not for you to understand or accept their reasons only your own, particularly how not to delude yourself into believing you are OK about something simply because you have come to a logical and apparent justification for what they may say or do.

It is not about logic, justification, fairness or even right or wrong. It is about you staying mentally healthy rather than martyring your mental welfare for the sake of being reasonable.