He still gets to me

[vangirl60]

We've been apart almost a year and a half, he moved away almost 10 months ago, saw him once in that time and still the man gets to me! I've not been strict NC so I've had texts and a couple phone calls. He's been with a few women since we split but most recently said he's in love and that this woman gives him what he wants and he's looking forward to giving her what she wants. Why does it still hurt so many months later? I think it's because I'm single and I don't want to be. I've been  on lots of dates but haven't met anyone that really does it for me. Am I just envious that he's with someone? Do I wish it were me (even though it was a horrific r/ship)? And then there's the whole piece that I wish this new woman could know what will happen. Sometimes, I wonder if I've got the disorder! I don't know it's just crazy how they affect us. Very hard to let go. Sometimes, he'd be so lucid and say he just needed to fix himself and so I would hold out hope. Now I just think he's taken everything he learned from me and made himself better for the new woman : (

[Lady31]

vangirl,

Totally normal!  My H has been a real terror, but also had those moments of clarity like you said.  There is a perfect balance/mix they learn with each new partner.  (Since the mix is different with each.)  My sister is a psychiatrist - she works with lots of BPDs.  Was telling me how shes seen them behave different ways with the different people in their lives.  How they have an uncanny ability to read people and how to hook them.  That they test/learn the methods that work on each person.  That they are not even fully aware they do this.

You have just been out of the abuse and craziness for a while and can't remember how extreme it was probably.  And he WILL treat the new woman the SAME way in the end.  The build up may be a little different.  No person will ever be enough to "fix" them.  That is their problem - they are looking to the outside for the cure.

Be assured - you are NOT the crazy one.  And the cycle will repeat itself.  It wasn't you, it isn't you and it will never be you - it was him, it is him, and it will always be him.  And this woman will see HIM too.

[Surnia]

Vangirl

So sorry to hear about this, and I agree with Lady, its normal to be envious.

Perhaps you could take it as a sign to look more closely what happend with your dates. Is it fear to be vulnerable? Or just the wrong type of man? Or are you still partly hoping  he came "changed" back?

[Validation78]

Hi Vangirl!

You've made t through the toughest part already. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into thinking that this is about you. If he is BPD, the cycle will repeat over and over, rest assured. It's sad, and it isn't your fault.

If talking to him brings up old feelings, would you consider not talking at all? BPD or not, I would find it hard to talk to an ex about new relationships!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[vangirl60]

Thanks Lady- you reaffirm what I know. It's just hard to watch in action I guess. I know they have that uncanny ability to read and hook. I've studied it inside and out. Just a week ago, I got a message that said I knew him better than he knew himself and that he missed that. Normal people don't send messages like that when they're in a new r/ship. I'm sure I'll hear from him when things go south. Not that I'm interested because I'm not. It's hard knowing he's repeating the story with someone else and they will be taken. Omg. Not my problem but for some reason it bothers me that they keep perfecting their craft taking and adding from each successive victim. Sometimes I wonder if they ever get it right or find the perfect victim.

I know I was hooked badly and that's why it's been hard to meet someone since. He was very good looking and charismatic- even with friends so it was all too captivating. I just need to keep remembering that it was not reality and hopefully time will help.

i do need to stay NC. It's the only way to heal.

And yes Surnia, I haven't met the right one and I always held out hope that somehow he'd change. He even said that once that he needed to go off and fix himself. I think in some ways he's trying to do that and maybe he hopes this time he'll do that. Who knows! But it's not me and I need to keep going and forget. I always held onto a little bit of hope and that's been my mistake.