Tough day - but I survived

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We'll today we had our first softball tourney (something my stbex and I did for 7 years) - here I was coaching and the whole time she was in the stands with her family (who she used to hate) laughing and texting her new "friend" the whole day.  I will say it was tough, really tough, but I made it - I looked at it as a small victory for me - but it still hurt (she seemed to act happier than she ever has the last 7 years).  One more day tomorrow - I hope that I can get through one more day.

[cal644]

We'll today we had our first softball tourney (something my stbex and I did for 7 years) - here I was coaching and the whole time she was in the stands with her family (who she used to hate) laughing and texting her new "friend" the whole day.  I will say it was tough, really tough, but I made it - I looked at it as a small victory for me - but it still hurt (she seemed to act happier than she ever has the last 7 years).  One more day tomorrow - I hope that I can get through one more day.

[dsmoody23]

Sounds like you had a good day, all told.

I'm very familiar with how much that perceived happiness can hurt, especially when it seems to directly result from our absence. My ex has been putting on a very public, very vocal show of exactly how 'happy' she is now, and while it's not directly stated, the implication is that it's because I'm gone.

Not an expert, by any means, and I'm not even sure if it applies to your situation, but it's a very real possibility that the happiness is entirely fake. My ex was an Oscar caliber actor. She could go from a suicide attempt to a party, and absolutely nobody was the wiser.

I think it's possible that the external happiness was a function of your being there. Was yours any good at putting on a public face that was nothing like the private reality?

Again, I'm not sure why it provides me much relief to know that another person is inwardly unhappy... .  I guess it's just hoping that there's some world where honesty and reality win, instead of lies and weird manipulation.

[Validation78]

Hey Cal!

Congratulations on making it through another day. With each day, you take a step towards a healthy life, without the BPD influence to keep you from having the relationship and life you deserve. There will be many tough days, but doing the things you enjoy, despite her absence, or in some cases, her presence, but not as your partner, will be good days!

I understand the uncomfortable feeling we get when we feel relief, knowing that someone else is inwardly unhappy. I feel that way often myself. However, I truly feel compassion for pwBPD, knowing that no matter what public face they put on, they have very little chance of leading happy, healthy, fulfilling lives. I don't do any happy dances when I think about it, but it does get me through the feeling I get when he seems to be happy, now that our relationship has ended. We have to keep reminding ourselves, this healing process is about us, not them. We can fix our brokenness, sadly, they likely cannot, no matter how it appears.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Whichwayisup]

I'm trying really hard to agree with you Validation78,

I was full of compassion last week and was spending time with the kids, but the isolation that she has calculated over a period of 8 days added to the unannounced introduction of her new fella (whose relationship was denied to me) serves only to confuse and frustrate the kids only 3 weeks after I discovered.  I am trying really hard to separate the illness and the destructive impact her behaviours are having - I don't hate her, but I hate what she is doing for sure. 

I have to dig very deep and am sorely tempted to wish her the very best and I only hope she gets as closes to him as she did to me so her can see all her innermost thoughts so the relationship will combust... .  I am in an emotional place at the moment and don't want to feel vindictive but I do at the moment - I want to be dignified so one day the kids will understand what happened and why she has done these things... .  a sponge can only wait til it is needed can't it... .  

If we do nothing she gets whatever she wants, if I assert then the escalations get worse - what's the endgame?  The more she alienates them the more when it comes to court, they will maintain the status quo... .  ?

[leftbehind]

To Cal644, just want to send you a hug.  Good for you that you are making it one day at a time.  I had my first good day today, about 6 weeks after the breakup. You sound like a very strong person.  Wishing you many more good days ahead

[leftbehind]

To Cal644, just want to send you a hug.  Good for you that you are making it one day at a time.  Just surviving is enough for now.  I had my first good day today, about 6 weeks after the breakup. You sound like a very strong person.  Wishing you many good days ahead

[lhd981]

I wish I had that kind of strength, cal! Heck, I passed up seeing one of my favorite bands tonight knowing that my BPD ex will likely be there. I know it feels like a "small" victory for now, but it will only grow from there. Cheesy as it sounds, it really is about taking it one day at a time - or even one hour at a time. All the best to you!