How do the parents cope?

[bb12]

Been thinking a lot lately about how pwBPD push those they love away out of a fear of intimacy and abandonment. If they can do that to someone they are really close to then how did they treat their parents? My ex had very little to do with his. Never said anything bad about them and was in a good enough r/ship with them to receive money each month. But I wonder how they survived or manage the trials of a borderline child.

Do te SET techniques work for them?

Are they ok in their romantic r/ships?

Do they talk about it?

Check that other siblings are handling it ok?

As I emerge from the ashes of my r/ship and begin to feel great again, I have enormous compassion for the families. And I'm curious to know what has helped them most... .

Bb12

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

I think the thing that helped me the most was knowing that the things she sometimes said or did I could not take personally.  I remember prior to my first SED meeting the advocate that I had been working with made me write on an index card the words, "My child does not choose to be this way".  I kept in on my lap and whenever someone starting the blame game or were not trying to understand I was to recite these exact words. I used it at my meetings and I have also used it in my life. 

Yesterday for some reason DD was having a bad time.  We were driving in the car and I kept talking trying to engage her and possibly lift her mood.  She finally said to me, "can you Pleasssssse stop talking, it's driving me nuts".  In the past this would have hurt my feelings, I would not have known what to do.  I responded with, "No problem, just trying to lift your mood.  I didn't realize how this was effecting you".  She answered niceley with, "mom, I just need some quiet".  I was quiet the rest of the ride (we were on our way to her T) and I kept reminding myself that she has emotions and she does not want to feel this way. She may have seemed snappy but I am sure my mindless chatter was heightening her anxiety.  She came out of therapy and was in a much better place.

The other thing I have done is let go of who I though DD should be.  Yes she is very bright, pretty and likeable.  My vision was that she would go to high schooll, a great 4 year college and do something wonderful. She would have this terrific life (better known as life on my terms).  When I let go of that and allowed DD to be who she is, things got so much better.

Hope this helped some.

Griz

[qcarolr]

bb12 - thanks for asking.

It is really hard being a loving parent when your child is emotionally out of control so much of the time. Can feel hopeless that they will be able to navigate life on their own. My BPDDD27 has been struggling since very early childhood - she has other stuff as well as developing BPD. I will always wonder that if I could go back and do the past over with the knowledge and support I have now what her life would look like. Do not get this opportunity.

I have learned so much here that has allowed times of peace with my DD. SHe refuses to accept the BPD, or mental illness in general other than anxiety and depression cycles. She has never cooperated in any kind of treatment, even as a young child. That included OT, PT, vision, group and individual psych therapies. We did not have money, and insurance did not accept, the sensory integration or biofeedback options. Odds are she would not have cooperated anyway. One of my biggest trials when she was young was just getting her in the car to go, then out of the car into the lobby.

So now I realize I cannot control her - I am powerless to change her or mold her or force her in any way. All I can do is understand that I have to keep myself healthy and strong. I have to figure out what my values are - respect and compassion are high on my list. These seem to be at the bottom of D's or skewed in a way that is expressed in opposition to me. And her peer group is totally in support of her way of thinking, feeling, being. They seem drawn to each other. Yet, she is more often smiling when I see her with her friends (unless she feels abandoned in the moment - that passes as soon as they come back to her). She is miserable in our home.

So I study and practice validation skills (they are a step beyond SET) as best described in the book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", Lundberg. I try to keep my values in mind in setting and consistently trying to enforce boudnaries that protect those values. And I distance myself from her as needed to take care of myself.  My intent is to keep a healthy connection with my DD - I can never stop loving her and wanting the best for her. I have to be open to allowing her to define what 'best' is for herself and then accepting her just as she is. When I am successful in this, we can be together in positive ways. When things are out of sync for either of us - we are better being apart. We become toxic for each other.

I have just come out of a very dark period of time with my DD. I had expectations of what my version of her life should be, she has been under a lot of stress in other areas of her life, we experienced extreme extinction burst behaviors with enfocement of boundaries by my dh and I, she has found a more accepting place to stay over the past month or so. She was telling me that everyone in the townhouse believes I am weird just as she does and not to freak out (I was helping her carry some groceries in). They all seem to have growing and smoking pot as the center of their very existence. I told her I am OK with them thinking I am weird - I kind of like myself as I am. At least for now, there is no argument there. She has also stopped trying to change me into what she thinks I should be. That part is amazing.

qcr  

[twojaybirds]

I too do not take things personally and tell myself that whatever she just said/did is only for that moment  that it will pass.

I also have realigned my thoughts on my dd and try to embrace her vision (even as it changes)

I know I did all I could as a mom and even more than many so it is not my fault.

We all have torches to carry, monkeys on our backs, roads to walk and struggles to endure.  Even those seemingly "perfect" looking families have issues and problems.   Telling my self this reminds me that my dd has some great things about her and like those who keep their struggles hidden, perhaps I need to continue to remeber that my dd:

cares about people

tries her hardest

works hard at her job and school

bakes fantastic chocolate chip cookies

is a good friend to those in  her circle

continues to try and succeed in new ways

smiles and laughs sometimes

has a great singing voice

and best of all I  rememeber that she is my daughter so much more than a disorder

[bb12]

thanks guys - for the detailed responses

I have begun to take things less personally now also. It really does help. And agreed twojaybirds: I am beginning to see the good qualities in my exBPD also and that he did what he could with the skills at his disposal.

And yes, we are all on our own journeys with good and bad things to carry with us on it.



BB12

[griz]

and best of all I  rememeber that she is my daughter so much more than a disorder

Twojaybirds:

Thank you for that statement.  Actually made me cry this morning.  Such a loving thing to say and something we all feel.

Griz

[Reality]

Yes, twojaybirds, she is your wonderful daughter!

I still maintain these darlings are the gifts... .

Reality