He raged, but then acts like nothing happened What do you do?

[nonBPwife]

Saturday night, my uBPDh finally cracked.  He had been on his "best behavior" for the past few months, so I knew it was coming eventually.  I have been emotionally detached for quite a long time now, and have been about 80% sexually detached for the past six months.  This is the bone of contention with him, as he hinges ALL of his happiness on sex, and how much he's getting (or not getting).

When I refused, yet again, all hell broke loose.  He yelled at me like he's never yelled before, called me EVERY name in the book, and made all kinds of threats.  I stood still, not reacting but listening, for almost an hour.  My lack of emotion only egged him on.  I finally asked him to stop calling me names for the fourth time, and he did once I picked up my car keys and told him I was leaving.

The next morning, he called me in and in his most pitiful voice apologized.  He said nobody deserves to be talked to the way he talked to me, and he didn't mean any of it.  He said he wishes I would tell him what he can do to make it up to me, he's so embarrassed, he feels stupid, etc.  Again, I listened but did not react.

Now, he's acting as if it never happened.  He's walking around the house laughing, joking, folding laundry, watching sports.  He even mentioned that we should think about trading in our car for a newer model.  (WHAT?  Why would I want to buy another car with him?)

WHAT THE HECK?

How can he act like he didn't verbally abuse me worse than he ever has?

And would it benefit the situation to remind him of it?  Or should I just let it go and count the days to my pre-divorce consult?

[GreenMango]

Saturday night, my uBPDh finally cracked.  He had been on his "best behavior" for the past few months, so I knew it was coming eventually.  I have been emotionally detached for quite a long time now, and have been about 80% sexually detached for the past six months.  This is the bone of contention with him, as he hinges ALL of his happiness on sex, and how much he's getting (or not getting).

Been there - this really is like a negative feedback loop.  If you want to detach the physical part is going to have to come to a close.  He's going to be frustrated about it. 

You need to be at 100% sexually detached - it's giving him mixed messages.

When I refused, yet again, all hell broke loose.  He yelled at me like he's never yelled before, called me EVERY name in the book, and made all kinds of threats.  I stood still, not reacting but listening, for almost an hour.  My lack of emotion only egged him on.  I finally asked him to stop calling me names for the fourth time, and he did once I picked up my car keys and told him I was leaving.

Been there too.  Good to leave when it gets bad. 

The next morning, he called me in and in his most pitiful voice apologized.  He said nobody deserves to be talked to the way he talked to me, and he didn't mean any of it.  He said he wishes I would tell him what he can do to make it up to me, he's so embarrassed, he feels stupid, etc.  Again, I listened but did not react.

Now, he's acting as if it never happened.  He's walking around the house laughing, joking, folding laundry, watching sports.  He even mentioned that we should think about trading in our car for a newer model.  (WHAT?  Why would I want to buy another car with him?)

WHAT THE HECK?

How can he act like he didn't verbally abuse me worse than he ever has?

Because he has BPD - I wish I had a better explanation. 

And would it benefit the situation to remind him of it?  Or should I just let it go and count the days to my pre-divorce consult?

It's probably going to make things worse.  There are better things to say since youre ending this relationship it's really not a time to be "teaching" him or trying to coach him through some long term problem resolution.

Sometimes "no" with no or limited explanation is better.

Does he know you are leaving him?

[mitchell16]

nonBPwife, I found this to be common behavior with mine. She would come from work and rage at me and say some of the nastiest, cruel and hateful things I have ever heard. Get mad, stomp off and then come and apoligize. But when I was still upset from what she said, her attitude was I said I was sorry. If I didnt take that and run she would then start the push away. Almost like she was punishing me for her bad behavior. The first time it happened. I tried to explain to her that I knew people ahd bad days, abd days at work which can make the cranky or have a short fuse. But the things she said was a whole lot more then that. Plain vicous. But in her mind I should just accept her apolgy and wait for it to happen again.

[causticdork]

Exact same thing here.  Any time I turned her down she had a melt-down, although mine was a silent rager, so it was the cold stares, silent treatment, saying horrible things calmly version of the freak-out.  Then she'd leave.  Then she'd come back and apologize, but immediately start acting like nothing had happened.  I think it's just how BPDers operate.  It's one of those things that I see mentioned by almost everyone on the board.

[nonBPwife]

@Greenmango -- I'd like to think that deep down he knows I'm not in love with him anymore, and that he knows this is going to come to an end.  I'm sure he doesn't think I'll go through with it because we've been married for 14y, and together since I was 15, and we have two children.  As far as detaching physically, (stop me if this is TMI!), sex hasn't happened since last fall.  "Other stuff" hasn't happened in about 3 weeks.  I don't plan on it happening again.

He tried apologizing again last night, speaking with that pitiful, wounded voice he uses.  This was actually the first time he raged directly at me.  He's usually much more passive aggressive, choosing to hurt with the silent treatment, slammed doors, stomping, exiling himself to another room, yelling at the kids, etc.

But I'm still young enough (32) to move on and find a more "normal" relationship, and I've made the decision that it's time to do so.

My consult with the attorney is next Thursday, and I have not told Husband about it.  I don't want to deal with another rage-session.  And I don't want him to do anything to keep me from going.  I'll talk to him about it afterward.

I have a counseling session tomorrow and again on Tuesday.

I'm not looking forward to the poopoo-storm that this is going to start with him, but I'm not afraid of hurting anymore. And I'm looking forward to a better future.

[GreenMango]

I think the goal is to try and make it as smooth as possible ... .   Well nothing is really smooth... .   But make the whole not wanting to have sex about you.  You're not feeling it.  Is advise away from bringing up anything about it being turned off by his behavior.  

My experience he probably won't connect the dots on how the dynamic doesn't really make people want to get closer.

Good idea about not telling him about the attorney.  Try minimize that conflict for you and those kiddos.

[mrshyde]

Wow... .  I could have written that post!

Though, while he has apologized to me for rages, more often he claims, "I wasn't yelling, I wasn't even mad."  What's up with that?

[Validation78]

Hey nonBPDwife!

! This is not an unusual situation. pwBPD know, on some level, that their behaviors are abusive and damaging. They may not come out and admit it, but they feel a great deal of shame and guilt around them. It's easier for them to deal with it if they act as if nothing happened. If you bring it up later, then you are rubbing salt in the wound, and somehow, are made to feel like the bad guy. Don't be fooled, you are not. Make up your mind, it sounds like you already have, to leave this abuse behind. If you've been married for 14 years, you've tried, you've talked, you've given your all. Don't feel guilty about wanting a better life for you and your children. Your, and their wellbeing is all that matters, and you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourselves. Explain the situation to the attorney, and take his/her advise about how to proceed. Accept that there will be difficulties ahead, knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The end of your marriage is the opening of a door to new happiness!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[nonBPwife]

Val & MrsHyde -- Thank you for your replies.  It's so helpful to find support here.

[Iced]

To my understanding... .  

Denial is a BPD/disordered thinking dysregulated feeling 'safeguard'.

If you deny something, it doesn't exist.

At least... .  in the mind of the person who is struggling with BPD-centric disordered thinking and dysregulated emotions.

And for pwBPD, confronting that there IS something wrong triggers their disorderly thinking dsyregulating emotions to go into haywire.

Basically, to people who don't struggle with disordered thinking and dysregulating emotions, a BPD's responses are very 'illogical' as they are almost completely emotion-based (very intensely emotion-based) and don't follow more conventional logic and reason so you can't really apply it.