More work on/for myself

[Blazing Star]

This is all so fascinating to me right now! So much of it is ringing true for me and so much of it is relieving some of the pressure I've been putting on myself.

Awesome! Awesome that you recognise the pressure that you are putting on yourself, and even more awesome that it is releasing! This introspection trip is hard, and rewarding.   You are doing great Arabella! Hope you feel good about that!

Love Blazing Star

[vivekananda]

arabella my heart warms to you    and you make me smile... .  I can see it so clearly what you are saying... .  it feels so familiar... .  

I hear control, perfection... .  ah yes, good friends they were not!

Today for me control is being able to meet my own emotional needs. I came to that revelatory realisation after reading 'NonViolent Communication' by Rosenberg. A book that takes the concept of validation to a different level. From this I learnt more about how to validate others, but most interestingly, how to recognise my own emotional needs and meet them. I learnt that when I was not quite in synch, when my emotions were a tad out of sorts or negative, then I learnt how to identify what was my emotional need that wasn't being met and reassured myself that I was ok - a mindfulness practice. As soon as I identified that emotional need, things began to make sense to me and I could figure our what I needed to do to take care of myself - I practise self compassion.

Control was/is always my bete noire. I simply bridle if I think someone is trying to control me. I have a great need to feel in control. It seems I used to think that I could control others - make it possible for them to do what I thought they should do (wow how sick is that!). Nowadays, I work so much on radical acceptance. I have learnt to accept how things are and learnt to understand that the only thing I can control is myself. Here is a favourite mantra of mine:

"I am not my body, I am that which lives within my body; I am not my mind, I am that which controls my mind; I am not my emotions, I am that which feels my emotions."

This said while in a deep relaxation or meditation is soo good!

Cheers,

Vivek    

[maria1]

Hi Arabella

Your post about perfection and control has really hit something in me. I'm trying to figure out why I feel so strongly obligated and you've helped me dig around a bit more. That obligation is to do with wanting to do the right/good thing for everybody with the least negative impact in the world. Pretty impossible order for just me. But I can't be a perfectionist because that wouldn't be being perfect. So I strive to not be a perfectionist, to get not being a perfectionist right.

I've got loads to say about me which I'll put in my thread.

Your stuff in this thread is amazing- SO insightful. Yes there are so many layers and any unpeeling is so positive.

I want to know which 'flaws' to fix so that I can be closer to perfection (i.e. control). There is no benefit to me to hear the good stuff - I've already mastered those things, I don't need to hear about them. Plus, those good things can't be that great, they must be offset by something pretty awful, because bad stuff is still happening... .  And since I am IN CONTROL then the bad stuff in me must be dominating, right? I must be really bad or inadequate

Remember this- come back to it. This ^^^ is such an amazing place to be, painful and frightening too but it is a place of change. Go easy on yourself. Be really kind to yourself if you can at all. 

[Maryiscontrary]

Let me chime in about perfectionism. Let's look at this from another angle. Civilization needs pockets of perfectionism. like brain surgeons. Rather than try to force down the immense powers of perception, why not channel it in to something you can control? I mean, rather than twisting the human proclivity, why not find an appropriate outlet?

[maria1]

For me I think i need to quiet the demons first. My whole personality currently exists to be self critical in a way. I used to think of it as striving to be better and that it was a positive part if being human. I need to accept rather than strive. But suddenly I understand why my creative side is always stuffed. I can't let anything I do be ok. I hate myself for liking myself or anything I do well. I need to let go and then I can create.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I very much relate to the perfectionism dilemma as well. 

Something that helps me is remembering the simple phrase HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).  Most of the time when I am feeling out of whack, if I just take a step back and ask myself the question: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  It's very simplistic, but I've found it almost always applies.  I do have control over what I can do to address these basic needs.  Hungry= eat something, Angry= exercise, journal, beat a pillow, Lonely= call a friend, socialize, Tired= take a break, rest, sleep.  Usually, if I address these basic needs, the drive to control is lessened.

'Bad' things are always going to happen.  I don't have control over that.  I do have control over how I react, over how I treat myself.  I am perfectly imperfect.  I am human.  I must embrace my humanness, my humanity.  This mean accepting that I am not perfect, and that is meant to be good.  Do I love others who are not perfect?  Yes.  Why do I not love myself?

Maybe if I think of all this as not about the need or desire to 'fix' myself, but rather to accept myself as I am.  If I develop values and boundaries, and adhere to them to the best of my ability (knowing that will not be perfect), then I will gain more respect for myself, thus I will love myself more as I am, imperfect.  And I will never do that perfectly! 

[arabella]

So I've read and re-read so much of this thread over the past week. And I kept meaning to write more, but something stopped me. I don't know what. It's the same something that has been leaving emails sitting in my inbox awaiting replies. I WANT to reply. I have things to say. I want to receive more input (both here and via email). BUT I'm just not outputting. It's not happening. What a strange new development. I've calmed down, started to stabilize a bit, have some energy again, am not angry or quite so exhausted anymore... .  but still I'm stuck. And I can see that I'm stuck but, still, here I sit. What is up with that? (I did finally get to this thread, obviously, and to a bunch of my email today as well. And I've posted on a few other threads here and there in the meantime too.) Has anyone else ever had this happen? A random lack of production?

As for the quest for perfection... .  It's a tricky beast. As maryiscontrary said, there is a certain value to some level of channeled perfection. I think that's the key - to ensure that the obsession is carefully constrained within the parameters of something we can actually control. Plus, self forgiveness and acceptance when 'perfect' doesn't happen. Unfortunately, I'm not so good at keeping my perfectionism focused on "appropriate outlets" - mine's all over the place! It's not healthy. Of course, it's like codependency - other people encourage it because it's in their own best interest to do so. And again, I start to doubt myself. I need to stop that bit first (the self-doubt), I think, but again I start to worry that I'm just in denial! Circles!

Phoenix.Rising - you make a good point. That desire for control is definitely exacerbated by being HALT. I guess this is where self-care comes into play. I thought I was doing a good job on that front but my body is arguing with me. The past little while I've had all manner of minor health issues show up to nag at me. A lot of physical ailments that I've not had to deal with for years have suddenly all shown up at once. Strange. I'd like to blame it on stress, but I'm actually less stressed now than I was before. Maybe the end of my fight/flight mode has sent me into a crash?

And here's one more recent revelation: I've been ignoring too many people. I've been so focused on my problems, and the problems with my pwBPD, that I completely forgot to deal with the problems in my other interpersonal relationships. I mean, I dealt with immediate stuff, but I didn't really look to see what was going on. I was telling a story (okay, complaining) to a friend yesterday about a 'friend' I have who I was growing uncomfortable with. He looked at me as I was talking like I'd sprouted a second head. He pointed out that this other person doesn't sound like much of a friend - more like a self-absorbed child who thrives on drama. I was stunned. It's totally true. It never occurred to me that some of my friends shouldn't be. So now I begin the process of weeding... .  Life really is a lot of work, isn't it?

[maria1]

Arabella

You can only cope with so much. I think you just need to pause and absorb and reflect for a while and your mind and body have hit the pause button. Have a break.

I was diagnosed with CFS/ME in January; I only really fully accepted the diagnosis much more recently. I'm now under a specialist service and the information they have given me actually says that CFS tends to hit people who prioritise other people's needs over their own. I have been dealing with a bunch of random 'minor' symptoms for well over a year as well as extreme fatigue. Turns out ALL those symptoms are actually typical of CFS/ME, yet my GP failed to diagnose me for over a year, and so did a number of specialists.

Once I started to realise how much people took from me, I realised how few of my friendships are actually balanced and reciprocal. It's not stuff that I particularly want to see but once seen you can't 'unsee' it.

Arabella, I think you have swallowed the red pill and there is no going back. And yes it is hard work all this but I promise you, we will all come out of the other side so much happier and better for it. I'm still not arrived but I would still take the red pill every time.

For me, the more people like you post like this the more hope it gives me that I might bump into one of you out there in the real world because right now I just see dysfunction everywhere!

[Maryiscontrary]

Wow ladies. Maria,  don't be suprised is most of your Cfs symptoms dissappear the more asshattery you eliminate.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I am so encouraged by the strength I find on these boards.  I agree that we have to hit the pause button on occasion and just re-group.  This is hard work, but worth it, like Maria said.  And like Mary said, the more BS we eliminate and replace it with self care, the stronger and more aware we become. 

It's like running a marathon.  You have to pace yourself.  Take it easy.  Do something fun.  Go fly a kite or feed the ducks or take a walk in the woods.  What gives you joy?

[arabella]

You can only cope with so much. I think you just need to pause and absorb and reflect for a while and your mind and body have hit the pause button. Have a break.

***

Once I started to realise how much people took from me, I realised how few of my friendships are actually balanced and reciprocal. It's not stuff that I particularly want to see but once seen you can't 'unsee' it.

***

Arabella, I think you have swallowed the red pill and there is no going back.

***

... .  right now I just see dysfunction everywhere!

I sort of feel like I'm trying to pause but the processing just keeps speeding up! I took the pill and it's going to digest as quickly as it wants to and I can't stop it - darned metabolism! It's exactly as you say, I can't 'unsee' any of it. And it seems like there is just more and more to see.

Mary points out the same sort of thing - the asshattery/dysfunction is everywhere for me right now! I had no idea how much of it I had in my life. Ugh! Now the trick is trying to get rid of those weeds.

It's like running a marathon.  You have to pace yourself.  Take it easy.  Do something fun.  Go fly a kite or feed the ducks or take a walk in the woods.  What gives you joy?

I think my brain has completely outpaced my body. I'm not sure there's much help for it - I never was much of an athlete! Fun. Yes... .  You know what? I'm not even sure what gives me joy these days. It's like my whole world got upended and now I'm questioning whether my joy is authentic or just me drinking more of the koolaid.

[fromheeltoheal]

Asshattery!  Well put ladies.

I too have hit a wall lately.  A sore neck, a little rash, overall malaise, my T says they are PTSD symptoms, not inappropriate for having core trauma reactivated and salt poured in it.  I'm through the rumination, most of the anger, starting to sleep a little better, but apparently these things take time.  Frustrating, cuz I got stuff to do, but taking care of me needs to be job one right now.  Not too far fetched really, going 100 miles an hour trying to 'fix' BPD, having what was my entire life upended, lots of rewiring going on in my head, feels like everything has changed, no wonder I'm a little burnt.

But sometimes we need to be selfish, and that's not a bad thing.  We need to take care of ourselves first before we have anything to give.  And I'm extra aware of the line between altruism and codependency now, but I do want to give, because it's right and it's who I am.

I went out to dinner with an old friend, once a girlfriend decades ago, and it was nice.  I've been isolating too much as I heal, and socializing with supportive people is a necessary goal.  My goal at dinner was to focus on my boundaries and my needs, for practice, and although my friendship with her is comfortable, that focus changed how I felt.  She's a born complainer with a slightly negative bent, and I found I could listen to her without trying to fix anything, which was new.  Moving forward... .