He "can't do the math"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is one of the things that confuses so many of us.  My BPDH has a graduate degree in mathematics, but often he "can't do the math" in regards to things that he has emotions about.  He'll insist that we can afford X or Y, and will become angry if I question the affordability, but then later when it turns out that we really couldn't afford the expense, he'll claim that he never wanted to spend the money, but that I insisted.  I had to start putting such things in writing (via email) so that there would be a paper-trail of proof of what he had said.  

He also won't "do the math" in regards to "nickel and diming" himself to death.  He'll say something like, "it's only $10".  But, if he spends that a few times a week, then that can be a few hundred per month.  


I can also see that H had a history of poor exec function.  He tells the story of how he was expelled once from school.  A boy sitting behind him had been "poking his shoulder" (probably just to be bratty).  Since H had no exec control, H's response was to turn around and punch the kid in the face.  Obviously, students will annoy other students all the time.  However, most don't respond with a punch in the face.  

[SadWifeofBPD]

This is one of the things that confuses so many of us.  My BPDH has a graduate degree in mathematics, but often he "can't do the math" in regards to things that he has emotions about.  He'll insist that we can afford X or Y, and will become angry if I question the affordability, but then later when it turns out that we really couldn't afford the expense, he'll claim that he never wanted to spend the money, but that I insisted.  I had to start putting such things in writing (via email) so that there would be a paper-trail of proof of what he had said.  

He also won't "do the math" in regards to "nickel and diming" himself to death.  He'll say something like, "it's only $10".  But, if he spends that a few times a week, then that can be a few hundred per month.  


I can also see that H had a history of poor exec function.  He tells the story of how he was expelled once from school.  A boy sitting behind him had been "poking his shoulder" (probably just to be bratty).  Since H had no exec control, H's response was to turn around and punch the kid in the face.  Obviously, students will annoy other students all the time.  However, most don't respond with a punch in the face.  

[broken3]

I know exactly how you feel. " It's only $10, $20, $50 "every day ten times a day.

At the end of the month its now totalling $3000.00-$4000.00. No bills paid.

But hey. Those 65 pairs of shoes, and 43 pocketbooks were all desperately needed. Along with $150.00 haircuts/dyes, $18.00 shampoo, lunch out every day, $75.00 bras... . you get the picture.

If you brought thos things up. Then you are a "controlling" person.

Quite the opposite.

[whatisthetruth]

it's your job to bring things up.

for the financial health of the relationship.  the issue is that your partner cant handle the responsibility so somehow my friend, you have to figure out a way to separate your stuff from his/hers.

And look into legal advice if it's really financially out of control.  the BPD in my life and i are not married; but in the state of california - that doesn't really matter.  Were she to file bankruptcy - my assets would be considered in her filing.  This is a change that has occurred after the recession.   

my x or partner - she seems to have TOTAL control of whether we are in this relationship or not... . and it vacillates wildly day to day. 

she has gotten herself about 60k in the hole during the last 16 months. and blames it on me of course. mind you she's already filed bankruptcy once.  I do not have judgement on folks who need to file a chapter of bankruptcy... . sometimes it occurs bc of physical illness - or the recession pressure and market collapse a few years back... . but for her it's about over spending.

she spends money wildly - goes on lots of "overnight" trips supposedly alone to take space but who knows. spends lots of money while there... . spends alot of money on her kids 'buying" their affection after one of her fits.

the thing is she's got a record for stealing - so i dont know, but assume that if i see things lying in her room with tags on that she has stolen them.  I say her room bc I have been kicked out of the main house and am now living in the side room.  she told the kids i have been "banished out of the kingdom".  hited up eh?  I had to educate her daughter that those weren't kind words... . to which her 5 yr old undertsood that but somehow mommy doesnt get it.

you know i can't even have a conversation with her that is based in proper context... . i have no idea how to navigate financials with her.  And if we were to stay together - it's a conversation that would have to be discussed. yikes.

[Nearlybroken]

Gosh... . every time I read posts on here it alerts me to just "how BPD" my partner is.he has no concept of money ,has significant debts yet still spends... . heaven forbid I try and mention his spending to him... . to him it's just another (imaginary) method of controlling him.So many things are coming clear in my mind through this site.Not many of them good I have to confess but at least I don't feel so alone.

[SadWifeofBPD]

The frustrating thing is that he blows money on "consumed" things:  golf tee times, gym memberships, expensive foods, beverages, pricey face creams, etc.  So, he has nothing to "show" for his wastefulness.  So, he points to the furniture in our home (none of it is new, some is 30 years old) and says that since those expenses were instigated by me, I must be spending all the money. 

[Clearmind]

Are you still living apart? If you are living apart is it possible to separate your finances? We need to take responsibility where boundaries are being crossed - this is your (our) role.

What can you do to change this?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Are you still living apart? If you are living apart is it possible to separate your finances? We need to take responsibility where boundaries are being crossed - this is your (our) role.

What can you do to change this?

Not much.  I can't separate our community property finances.  My inheritance has been kept separate.  

It has been very frustrating.  I can't stop him from overspending or spending on wasteful things. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

It's been very difficult discussing money/spending with H because he is a "math person".   His math degrees are his "proof" that he shouldn't be questioned when I worry about his spending or his approving various large expenses.  It's bad enough dealing with a pwBPD, but then add in the issue that his educational background suggests that he would be better at figuring out budgets. 

I guess that similar craziness would occur if a pwBPD had degrees in Child Development, yet was making serious parenting mistakes.  The "expert" (BPD) parent would "pull rank" over the non-expert parent and resent being questioned. 

It just shows how when emotions are involved, "expertise" goes out the window.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Since my first post was in response to a couple of other older posts, it reads oddly.  So, I've copied those posts below for context.

pwBPD, high functioning ones, can operate in a "normal" capacity when emotions are not involved... . when emotions are involved... . that is when trouble strikes

People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder generally have diminished executive functions.

Executive functions and cognitive control are terms used by psychologists and neuroscientists to describe a loosely defined collection of brain processes whose role is to guide thought and behavior in accordance with a persons goals or plans.

Often the executive functions are invoked when it is necessary to override immediate stimuli that may be in conflict with the goals or plans.

For example, on being presented with an insult, the automatic response might be to retaliate. However, where this behavior conflicts with internal plans (such as wanting to be "level headed", the executive functions could engage to inhibit the retaliation.  <Excerpted from wikipedia.org>