A bitter anniversary (many small steps forward, and a big one back)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This past weekend was the one year anniversary of the final blowout fight with my BPD exgf. She accused me of cheating based upon an innocent picture of a female friend she found on my computer as she snooped on it while I was asleep. She woke me up in the middle of the night and began letting a stream of obscenities flow. I'll never forget how shocked and utterly numb I felt as I heard these words coming from her mouth. I'll never forget how calmly I talked to her and attempted to reason with her, even while she was being crazy (for lack of a better word) and how betrayed I felt that she had been going through my things. It all escalated so quickly at 3 in the morning that I wasn't even sure how to react. Rather than swallow my pride once more and "apologize" for the misunderstanding, I told her it was over. Her reaction was to only get more hysterical. She looked at me in the eye, began crying and said "you were my love!" and then lunged at me to strangle me. I'm twice her size, but it was still a shock to me. Before leaving, I'll never forget the cold, piercing look in her eyes as uttered the words "I deserve SO much better than you!"... . and that was it. The door was slammed and she was gone for good. When I went to pick up my car from her house later, there was a two page hand-written note on it, which I have never read, along with a bag full of stuffed animals and sentimental things I had given her.

It all happened so fast that I couldn't process it at the time. Of course, I never cheated on her. If anything, I loved her like nobody else.

I've come to much peace and detachment lately, but this bitter anniversary has certainly been a step back for me. I'm being ridiculous and "longing" for the good times we had. For the sweet, loving, quirky and insightful woman I fell in love with. I'm not sure what's worse - knowing those memories are gone, or knowing that the person I fell in love with likely never existed. All rationality aside, it's a hard pill to swallow.

Overall, I'm in a better place, but I can't help thinking of those final, harsh words: "I deserve SO much better than you". How could she say that, even in her not-so-well mind? Nobody's perfect, but I was DAMN good to her.

[lhd981]

This past weekend was the one year anniversary of the final blowout fight with my BPD exgf. She accused me of cheating based upon an innocent picture of a female friend she found on my computer as she snooped on it while I was asleep. She woke me up in the middle of the night and began letting a stream of obscenities flow. I'll never forget how shocked and utterly numb I felt as I heard these words coming from her mouth. I'll never forget how calmly I talked to her and attempted to reason with her, even while she was being crazy (for lack of a better word) and how betrayed I felt that she had been going through my things. It all escalated so quickly at 3 in the morning that I wasn't even sure how to react. Rather than swallow my pride once more and "apologize" for the misunderstanding, I told her it was over. Her reaction was to only get more hysterical. She looked at me in the eye, began crying and said "you were my love!" and then lunged at me to strangle me. I'm twice her size, but it was still a shock to me. Before leaving, I'll never forget the cold, piercing look in her eyes as uttered the words "I deserve SO much better than you!"... . and that was it. The door was slammed and she was gone for good. When I went to pick up my car from her house later, there was a two page hand-written note on it, which I have never read, along with a bag full of stuffed animals and sentimental things I had given her.

It all happened so fast that I couldn't process it at the time. Of course, I never cheated on her. If anything, I loved her like nobody else.

I've come to much peace and detachment lately, but this bitter anniversary has certainly been a step back for me. I'm being ridiculous and "longing" for the good times we had. For the sweet, loving, quirky and insightful woman I fell in love with. I'm not sure what's worse - knowing those memories are gone, or knowing that the person I fell in love with likely never existed. All rationality aside, it's a hard pill to swallow.

Overall, I'm in a better place, but I can't help thinking of those final, harsh words: "I deserve SO much better than you". How could she say that, even in her not-so-well mind? Nobody's perfect, but I was DAMN good to her.

[schwing]

Hi lhd981,

I've come to much peace and detachment lately, but this bitter anniversary has certainly been a step back for me. I'm being ridiculous and "longing" for the good times we had. For the sweet, loving, quirky and insightful woman I fell in love with. I'm not sure what's worse - knowing those memories are gone, or knowing that the person I fell in love with likely never existed. All rationality aside, it's a hard pill to swallow.

It is a hard pill to swallow. The thing is, the memories are not gone.  They are your memories.  You just can't share the remembrance of them with anyone else.  Almost as if she had died.  I think it would be healthy for you to treat yourself as if she had died: give yourself the time to grieve, and do the actual grieving.

Overall, I'm in a better place, but I can't help thinking of those final, harsh words: "I deserve SO much better than you". How could she say that, even in her not-so-well mind? Nobody's perfect, but I was DAMN good to her.

Well just like it's hard to accept that the person you fell in love with technically didn't exist.  It's hard to accept that they experienced feelings and thoughts that did not conform to reality.  While you two were having good times and getting closer, she was *also* experiencing disordered feelings of imminent abandonment.

I would argue that the catalyst of her rage wasn't the discovery of the innocuous photo of you with another woman; she was *already* overwhelmed by her imagination that you were going to leave her and run off with some other woman and that's what prompted her to snoop in the first place.  She needed something, anything, to confirm her disordered beliefs.  And so that photo became the lightning rod for the storm that was already brewing in her.

She cannot begin to consider, much less accept, that her feelings are unjustified, irrational and disordered in nature.  She chose to blame you for her disordered feelings.  So she believes she deserves someone much better than *anyone* who would cheat on her and abandon her, which is what she imagined you to be doing.  And unrecovered, she will believe this of anyone and everyone who gets too close to her.

Her disordered feelings towards you as a result of what she *imagined* you were doing, overrode her feelings towards you as a result of how you actually treated her.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[crystalclear]

lhd981 - I was in a similar situation but I was in ur ex gfs place... . I found out my ex bf was meeting some other girl whose pics were in email... . I questioned him about her, his first reaction was 'I don't know her'... . I was hurt but he quickly accepted he met her but dint cross the line... . he wasn't making an eye contact but he apologized that hid from me... . till the last day of the r/s I never properly answer my Q that why did hide it from then?

I forgave him bt told him to never contact her ever again becuz he told me that she was the one who wad hitting on him (really?) But I believed him. I later discovered he was still contacting her... . i am sure cheated on me... .

Do you think you handeled that situation rightly... . i mean i can understand it does raise Qs when there are pics but do u think she said that since she was very much hurt... . not taking her side but I am referring to why she said what she did.

The following behavior was definitely uncalled for... .

[crystalclear]

Sorry about the typos,  my phone's infected.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi LHD,

Schwing sums it up well: you are in the right place.  In my view, you don't need to justify or second guess your decision to end things and of course she had no right to say/do the things that she did.  I have been there, believe me.  The hard part may be that you are a reasonable person trying to makes sense of what happened, yet to me those w/BPD behave in irrational if not inexplicable ways, due to their disordered personalities.  As Schwing notes, their feelings/thoughts do not conform to reality, so it's hard if not impossible to analyze their actions through the lens of a rational/reasonable person, which seems to be what you are attempting.

You made the courageous decision to end it, so try to put that relationship in your rear view mirror and look at what's ahead, which I suspect you will find much more peaceful than your last experience!  Hang in there, LuckyJim