My sister has BPD and I'm trying to help her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I have a sister with BPD. My family and I have been trying to deal with it and help her for years now to no avail. I'm hoping to hear from people who have experience in this area and whether there are certain facilities that can deal with this. I'm going to write some background info.

My sister is 24 now (a year younger than I) and she was fine up until her teens. The only noticeable faults were her bad grades and occasional child-like tantrums. During high school I caught her getting very drunk at a party; she was the only person who did. At that point I still didn't know she had an illness or a past trauma.

This was in the USA. Soon after, my mother, step-father, sister and younger half-sister moved to a small town in Italy, for personal reasons. Escaping debt, seeking eternal vacation, BS. She was placed in a local high school and learned Italian but never graduated. She began to go out with locals and would drink herself into a stupor.

Eventually she was diagnosed with BPD and she said that a friend of my father's had sexually molested her when she was a child. My estimate is that she was around 3. Her drinking got real bad, plus she has been bulimic since she was a teenager, throwing up on a daily basis. She's obsessed with her appearance. She also started doing drugs.

She ran away to NYC for a time and lived with degenerate pimp types and junkies, became a coke/crackhead and finally returned to Italy after having to escape from a pimp/sexual predator's apartment. Upon her return she was placed in a rehab/therapeutic center. She was there for a year, then came out, did the same things, worse even, and was then placed in another one.

She was there for two years. I arrived during that time. I moved here to deal with my own drug addiction. Upon seeing her I became very depressed because it seemed as though she (along with the rest of the patients) would sit around all day, smoking cigarettes, doing nothing. She seemed zombie-like, depressed, isolated and lost. She was not confronting her issues and it seemed as though the doctors were not making progress. She was also on many drugs to keep her under control.

I expressed those feelings to my mother and step-father who initially were offended at my lack of support in their decisions, but I guess it placed doubt in my mother's mind and she suddenly told me she was going to bring her back home. Honestly, I was happy, because I believed she was there for the convenience of my family, and that she wasn't getting better. Now I know that was emotion and not reason. But I didn't know just how bad she was.

She's been here at home for maybe 8 or 9 months now. We've been watching her 24-7, restricting her movement, giving her medication. Nothing works. She escapes and goes binge drinking, and puts herself in danger. She OD'd once. Other times she hurt herself falling down and almost got run over. She's extremely vulnerable. She binge eats and then vomits. She wakes every night around 2 am to gorge herself and then vomits.

She only has guy friends because she flirts and manipulates them but also craves their attention. She dresses very dirtily and is unaware of her indiscretions, yet she doesn't have sex with them. My mother tells me that she doesn't even like sex. This makes sense. In fact I think the sexual molestation prevented her from making a seamless transition from child to sexualized adult. She has many child-like qualities now. Candy, sweets, tantrums. Her relationship with my father (who lives in another country) is odd in that she acts like a small child around him and he encourages it.

I've lost my direction with this post, but the point is this. I lacked the experience when I believed we could help her. I still believe there must be a solution, but the environment we're in (small foreign town with no opportunities or activities) is not ideal. My family members care but they're also preoccupied with their own problems and my sister's illness often angers them. My mother sometimes provides comfort, but usually she is hard and forceful because she works and is rarely home.

We've been trying for months now, but I recently learned she vomits all her medications and that's why nothing has been affecting her, the tranquilizers, anti-depressents. I don't know why she does it. I believed her initial promises that she would try to get better, but now I know she's incapable. She has no control and is a slave to her illness. Her compulsions and her need to drown away her depression and trauma is causing her to destroy herself.

I thought I would be able to help her but I found out she's very closed off to me in this regard. My mother told me it's because she blames me on some level. Believe that? I was 4 years old when she was molested but it's easier to blame me than our charming father.

In short, she's incredibly sick and is incapable of dealing with it. She's agreed to enter the rehab again, which I think she will do soon, but I still need help and advice. I also want to know if there are any facilities that have a reputation for helping people like my sister. I understand most places like this are expensive, but I would still like to know. If there is anything that involves volunteer work that would be even better. She has been unable to improve partly because all she does is sit at home on the computer.

Anyway, to anyone who reads this and has a chance to reply, thank you.

[HomeRunner]

Hello, I have a sister with BPD. My family and I have been trying to deal with it and help her for years now to no avail. I'm hoping to hear from people who have experience in this area and whether there are certain facilities that can deal with this. I'm going to write some background info.

My sister is 24 now (a year younger than I) and she was fine up until her teens. The only noticeable faults were her bad grades and occasional child-like tantrums. During high school I caught her getting very drunk at a party; she was the only person who did. At that point I still didn't know she had an illness or a past trauma.

This was in the USA. Soon after, my mother, step-father, sister and younger half-sister moved to a small town in Italy, for personal reasons. Escaping debt, seeking eternal vacation, BS. She was placed in a local high school and learned Italian but never graduated. She began to go out with locals and would drink herself into a stupor.

Eventually she was diagnosed with BPD and she said that a friend of my father's had sexually molested her when she was a child. My estimate is that she was around 3. Her drinking got real bad, plus she has been bulimic since she was a teenager, throwing up on a daily basis. She's obsessed with her appearance. She also started doing drugs.

She ran away to NYC for a time and lived with degenerate pimp types and junkies, became a coke/crackhead and finally returned to Italy after having to escape from a pimp/sexual predator's apartment. Upon her return she was placed in a rehab/therapeutic center. She was there for a year, then came out, did the same things, worse even, and was then placed in another one.

She was there for two years. I arrived during that time. I moved here to deal with my own drug addiction. Upon seeing her I became very depressed because it seemed as though she (along with the rest of the patients) would sit around all day, smoking cigarettes, doing nothing. She seemed zombie-like, depressed, isolated and lost. She was not confronting her issues and it seemed as though the doctors were not making progress. She was also on many drugs to keep her under control.

I expressed those feelings to my mother and step-father who initially were offended at my lack of support in their decisions, but I guess it placed doubt in my mother's mind and she suddenly told me she was going to bring her back home. Honestly, I was happy, because I believed she was there for the convenience of my family, and that she wasn't getting better. Now I know that was emotion and not reason. But I didn't know just how bad she was.

She's been here at home for maybe 8 or 9 months now. We've been watching her 24-7, restricting her movement, giving her medication. Nothing works. She escapes and goes binge drinking, and puts herself in danger. She OD'd once. Other times she hurt herself falling down and almost got run over. She's extremely vulnerable. She binge eats and then vomits. She wakes every night around 2 am to gorge herself and then vomits.

She only has guy friends because she flirts and manipulates them but also craves their attention. She dresses very dirtily and is unaware of her indiscretions, yet she doesn't have sex with them. My mother tells me that she doesn't even like sex. This makes sense. In fact I think the sexual molestation prevented her from making a seamless transition from child to sexualized adult. She has many child-like qualities now. Candy, sweets, tantrums. Her relationship with my father (who lives in another country) is odd in that she acts like a small child around him and he encourages it.

I've lost my direction with this post, but the point is this. I lacked the experience when I believed we could help her. I still believe there must be a solution, but the environment we're in (small foreign town with no opportunities or activities) is not ideal. My family members care but they're also preoccupied with their own problems and my sister's illness often angers them. My mother sometimes provides comfort, but usually she is hard and forceful because she works and is rarely home.

We've been trying for months now, but I recently learned she vomits all her medications and that's why nothing has been affecting her, the tranquilizers, anti-depressents. I don't know why she does it. I believed her initial promises that she would try to get better, but now I know she's incapable. She has no control and is a slave to her illness. Her compulsions and her need to drown away her depression and trauma is causing her to destroy herself.

I thought I would be able to help her but I found out she's very closed off to me in this regard. My mother told me it's because she blames me on some level. Believe that? I was 4 years old when she was molested but it's easier to blame me than our charming father.

In short, she's incredibly sick and is incapable of dealing with it. She's agreed to enter the rehab again, which I think she will do soon, but I still need help and advice. I also want to know if there are any facilities that have a reputation for helping people like my sister. I understand most places like this are expensive, but I would still like to know. If there is anything that involves volunteer work that would be even better. She has been unable to improve partly because all she does is sit at home on the computer.

Anyway, to anyone who reads this and has a chance to reply, thank you.

[Clearmind]

Hi HomeRunner and Welcome!

She's been here at home for maybe 8 or 9 months now. We've been watching her 24-7, restricting her movement, giving her medication. Nothing works.

It’s tough to see our loved one suffer HomeRunner! There is a difference between support and enabling.

Borderlines really need to hit their very own version of rock bottom before they seek help. We cannot force them into therapy – there is so much work to be done and if we force them its unlikely they will stick it out for the duration.

Does she live with you and the family? Have you set boundaries? Are you all looking after yourselves? Its important not to neglect your own needs.

[XL]

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy works very well. You do these sheets where you track harmful behaviors and then rate the level of emotion involved. The therapists are trained to deal with total wreck types, and try to push for a gradual reduction in dangerous behavior while also working on communication skills. Is she seeing a behavioral therapist? Can you find one that specializes in DBT?

[HomeRunner]

Thank you very much for the replies. I've logged on to post again because I have a pretty heavy question that it's gonna be hard finding answers for. But I guess I'll start here.

So a month ago my mother dropped a bombshell on me and said that my sister told her I was present when she was being molested. My first reaction was anger. Ultimately I acknowledged the possibility, but it filled me with doubt since I have no recollection.

Now tonight she did it again and told me that I participated. Apparently these were my sisters words. She said that I continued to "touch her" after the fact. Now at this point I had to call bullhit. I didn't curse out my mom although I felt like it; she says she's just relaying my sister's words.

This is what I don't understand. How could I have done something like touch my sister, which apparently affected her so deeply, over an extended period of time and not remember it? My mother says I'm repressing the memory. But don't people with repressed memories have aversion to the thought? I sat there and spoke very casually about it with my mother because it just sounded so ridiculous. Honestly I would remember if I molested my own sister.

So my question is, is it possible for a Borderline sufferer to make things like this up? I had doubt already because I couldn't remember my dad ever leaving us with the guy who supposedly molested her, and because my dad also denies it. He says he's positive. All right I considered the possibility that my dad is lying to protect himself, but the whole thing is just seeming less and less likely. My mother believes it no problem because she loves demonizing me and my dad and I understand it helps to know there's a cause for the illness.

Tough question I know but if anyone can share some wisdom here I'd be very grateful.

[KrazyKatSis]

Hi HomeRunner,

You most likely weren't there. And she most likely wasn't molested when she was 3 years old. Can you remember when you were 3 years old?

My sister also has BPD perhaps from the moment she was born. She is manipulative and a liar. She steals from family, lies about and to family, cheats on all her husbands, is in & out of rehab, etc., etc. she's been diagnosed with BPD but she thinks it's wrong. She thinks she is bipolar, or obsessive-compulsive, or suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Her memories are particularly suspect. They are mythical. Suddenly she'll "remember" some incident from the past. She'll accuse the person of 1. molesting her; 2. beating her; 3. hurting her; 4. firing her; 5. abusing her; 6. lying to her; 7. whatever else she thinks she can make up. Luckily, I've been keeping a diary since I was about 10. I know she is making this stuff up. I can't believe a word out of her mouth. She has false memories and her version of the past is only in her brain.

We know about this in our family. When she comes up with another one of her "memories" we just say Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Whatever. There's no arguing with them. It's their world--we only live in it.

[Clearmind]

For Borderlines reality is often distorted and facts commonly don't match the emotions.

Mom may need to do some reading on BPD. This is not right that you are having to justify yourself to your mom.