New perspective on things

[Wishful thinking]

Its been two days and Through Gods Grace I started to realize what this relationship was doing to me ie breaking me down etc. But Im in no place to blame BPD. After reading all the posts and workshops etc, I realize that I failed to apply it. And when i did, I sucked at it. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself etc and how i no longer wanted to be in such a relationship. This, together with trying to accept things which I found to be unfair to me. This was when I posted about radical acceptance. Those posts made me realize that i do have a choice. As a Christian theres my faith and Gods Will. If this was my cross to bear, i wouldve (still would) stay because I believe His grace will give me the strength needed to do what needs to be done.

The biggest mistake i made was isolating myself. Its been 2 days since he told me that he is leaving our marriage. There has been countless tears. But through this I realize and see where i made it worse. Where i couldve been more understanding and accommodating. Because im such a stubborn person I chose to defend myself everytime instead of backing off. This hurt him and me too cos i say some mean things alot of times too. But its done. We both broke ea other.

I grew up in an unstable and abusive household. And as a child i always wished that my parents would split. Because of the damages done to not just my mother but to us as children as well. I wouldnt want my children to go thru the same.

Taking this into consideration means one thing. I NEED TO CHANGE. This will mean, Acceptance of reality that will lead me either be a supportive wife of a person with BPD or start my life over.

Whichever way this might lead to, it will be okay either way. I owe it to myself to see my glass half full instead of half empty. Hence im not standing in his way if he wants to go. Life will be okay either way.

This is the first time in my marriage where I allowed myself some space and it forces me to see the reality of things. Where he's at and where I am at. I have been so focused on his lack of energy, lack of respect etc, that i forgot about the plank in my own eye.

Im by no means downplaying the effects of being in a rs with a pwBPD. Not at all. And maybe should watch that fine line of blaming things on myself. I believe this to be a difficult road and we all have different choices to make and we all have our own purpose in life

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[allibaba]

Hi Wishful thinking -

I'm sorry that you are going through this but you sound strong and regardless of which direction your marriage goes - you will take this as the opportunity to learn.  GOOD FOR YOU.   

I never realized that I acted with such superiority with my husband (when I was making things worse for him!).  He told me that I had a big EGO... . and I do (just didn't realize it).  So now, I realize that I thought that I was better than him... . now I can start working on it.  And he was in a bad spot already -- so me acting like that wasn't fair!  Frankly my husband brings A LOT of wonderful qualities to our marriage and our home... . otherwise I wouldn't be with him. 

For me personally, my husband makes a lot of threats about leaving our marriage when he is dyregulated.  He may mean them in the moment but once he resets, he doesn't mean them.  (Does that make sense?)  None of us can force our marriages to work, but I know in my own marriage that when I reach out and own up to my side of the street then it really helps us. 

Why am I saying all of this?  Well it seems like this new perspective is healthy.  I guess that you have given your husband some space?  Have you also reached out?  I always try to do that at some point when my uBPDh is off the rails.  I try to reach out with love... . not with expectation... . not to pressure him... . just to say 'hey... . I'm out here... . I love you and I know that I'm wrong about a few things.' 

Actually I try to tell him on a regular basis that he is ABSOLUTELY the most important person in the whole world to me.  I used to hold back because I knew that intimacy would cause an outburst... . but he needed to hear that he was my whole world.  Now I tell him that regularly.  For us, its helped... . mostly because I mean it.  And doing this gets us past some bad times... .

[Wishful thinking]

@Allibaba

Thank you for your post. Im just scared that im looking too much to my own faults.

But yes, at last i feel what space is about. I also realize that i love my h. Like you said, he too brings good qualities to our relationship, to our home etc.

Ive been to hard on me and my expectations of him freaks him out.

I try to reach out to him. He responds by saying that i should not reach out for my own sake because it will not help me. The sooner i get over him, the better. He doesnt want to hurt me. Today i specifically told him that he is my husband and that i will miss him when or if he leaves.

What does trouble me is that last night he mentioned that its not a divorce yet, its just a trial separation. I tried not to reason with him about it and want him to do what he feels is best for him.

Either way, i will be patient and see where this leads to.

Thank you for your post Alibaba.

[Grey Kitty]

Wishful Thinking,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through... . but it does sound like you are learning. Sometimes lessons nudge you. Sometimes they kick you in the ass so hard you skid 20 feet on your face afterwords. Sigh.

One thing you have mentioned twice is him saying "It is better for you if he leaves you now." I heard some things like that from my wife, and had a different reaction than you did.

I was !@#$!@# PISSED! It is NOT her place to tell me what is better for me. That is my job, and I may not be doing it well, but she sure as heck isn't going to be able to tell me that.

You own your feelings. He owns his. It is his job to say that he wants to leave you. It is your job to say that you want to leave him. That is how adults should behave.

Of course, he has BPD, and isn't acting like an adult. But here is one thing to remember--just because he says something like that, you don't need to believe that it is true for a second. Yes, believe that he means it (at least for the moment), but that doesn't make it your truth.

This is one more way of taking back your own life. Doing it will help you. I suspect it will make things better for your H as well, although you will get lots of kicking and screaming over it.

Keep your resolve, and keep working on yourself!

[musicfan42]

It's great that you have a positive attitude You are a strong person-this too shall pass