Sleep deprivation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDexbf would wake me up constantly all throughout the night - (I am a fairly light sleeper but it got ridiculous). He would sometimes just say that he loved me or "please never leave me" or whatever as he changed position but often at around 3-4am he would want to have a full blown conversations that would go round and round (or/and sex) and he would just not shut up. Sometimes he would leave me to sleep (not often) and get up, have a strong coffee and watch TV. He always woke early, usually by 5.30am even on the weekends and would make so much noise I couldn't often go back to sleep myself. I was ALWAYS tired after sleeping in the same bed as him and he would then wear me down by other methods during the day so that often I was an emotional mess. When he lived with me for 3 months (unwanted by me but he "had nowhere else to go" apparently) eventually I threw him out due to his other behaviours and then I was exhausted for months... .   I am interested to hear other people's experiences with sleep - did your BPD want huge deep and meaningful conversations in the middle of the night?

[learningtowalkagain1]

My uBPDexbf would wake me up constantly all throughout the night - (I am a fairly light sleeper but it got ridiculous). He would sometimes just say that he loved me or "please never leave me" or whatever as he changed position but often at around 3-4am he would want to have a full blown conversations that would go round and round (or/and sex) and he would just not shut up. Sometimes he would leave me to sleep (not often) and get up, have a strong coffee and watch TV. He always woke early, usually by 5.30am even on the weekends and would make so much noise I couldn't often go back to sleep myself. I was ALWAYS tired after sleeping in the same bed as him and he would then wear me down by other methods during the day so that often I was an emotional mess. When he lived with me for 3 months (unwanted by me but he "had nowhere else to go" apparently) eventually I threw him out due to his other behaviours and then I was exhausted for months... .   I am interested to hear other people's experiences with sleep - did your BPD want huge deep and meaningful conversations in the middle of the night?

[KE151]

Mine was a bad sleeper too... . but she did do stuff to prevent me from sleeping too.

During the difficult times she would also wake me up in the middle of the night and want to discuss things. If I refused she'd go and sleep on the couch. During the last weeks building into the final breakup and her leaving my house (which I initiated), she would poke me constantly during the night and sometimes literally sit on my chest to prevent me from sleeping. It was really tough as I had pressure from work and the r/s was in shambles too. I'd call it sadistic, as she knew exactly what she was doing.

[stop2think]

learningtowalkagain1,

I know how tiring that is, as they get their sleep when they need but keep us awake. Mine was a LDR and most times we would video chat or talk over phone until 2am my time (4.5 hrs ahead of his time). Earlier on in the r/s he would ask me to go to bed by 2am (my time). As months passed when all the fights/arguements were now frequent on the calls - he would not let me sleep till 5am my time, and i would end up feeling sleepy at work or with a sore mood. And when i was with him in person, some nights were good when we had a good sleep (he was a sloth - slept anytime, when he had nothing to do) and other nights we would be arguing about something thing he would bring up, even if i was sleepy he would go non-stop.

Their fears and selfishness makes them control the little things. He never really cared if i slept on the cold floor shivering after fights, or did not sleep at all. All he cared was that he wanted to get his sleep, and comfort. And he looked at me like i was causing all the misery in his life - so i deserve to be treated that way.

[slimmiller]

Oh gosh Yes! How I remember this about her so much.

I worked and supported us (she was a stay at home mother) and it was like she had no concept of the fact that I was tired. Not only was it a 27 hour a day job to attend to her needs and wants, I would be up in the morning and going to work at 4 am but usually didnt get to bed till 11 or so. Thats about the time she would go to bed. It was never okay for me to go to bed before her and yet she would then sleep till 7 and she could not comprehend why I would come home from work so excausted.

And yes, so many times she would wake me up to 'discuss' something and when I did manange to get to sleep, I slept really heavy and sometimes would not remember our 'discussions' clearly. Then of course I was not caring because I didnt remember

The fact I can get some sleep now is another reminder of what I DONT miss

[TippyTwo]

My ex had trouble sleeping as well. She would awaken throughout the night, sometimes with nightmares.

She also requested I not go to sleep before she did.

Luckily, I could nap during the day but I missed a normal nights sleep without interruption.

[VeryFree]

Full-time work. Had to get up at 5.30 everyday. Went to bed around 11.

Round 12 she would be slamming doors, talking loud to herself and making noise on the stairs.

Of course not remembering the next day... .

[Simona]

Entering to the room when I sleep with no reason, turning on the lights, slam the doors, slam the closet doors, talking to himself in his native language and swearing, loudly cursing me, turning off the lights, slamming doors again... . repeat all this till he is sure I am no longer sleeping.

I leave bed and go back to living room, he is lying down on the sofa and watching TV in his language, then cursing me more and storm off to his room to sleep.

This repeating almost every night!

[Newton]

I experienced this tactic too... . it's a method employed to control. Endless circular discussions and arguements until ridiculous hours in the morning... . and I chose to engage with them... .

Sleep deprivation is a torture technique... . literally.  It is abusive and leaves us feeling bewildered and confused, often doubting our own judgement.

Rock solid boundaries are essential to protect ourselves when this is occuring. 

[confetti]

Control is kinda strong~~~~ although yeah that's probably what it is.

My BPD partner would always be up but it would be because his rage was the strongest at nighttime and at its peak to deal with. Slamming things is common to check to see if you're still there. Whenever it's that quiet or dark, anyway. I assume that's why texts fly around then too if its long distance.

My ex found a night job and loved it, he could sleep all day while I was awake and work and be mad all night in a quiet office with no one around.

Being an N, the feeling is the same but there's no real point in waking someone up if you can't get anything out of it. The whole "botherbotherbother" puppetpals continuation is a neverending supply of safety from the intimacy/abandonment if you're dealing with a caretaker.

[spottydog]

My BPD husband normally manages to start an argument just before bed time. He creates such an atmosphere that I can't sleep and I usually end up crying most of the night, (stupid I know) he says he can't deal with people that cry. Needless to say I look awful the next morning. I don't know if it is deliberate, he just seems to think differently to 'normal' people. If I go to bed first he will sit downstairs with the television on really loudly, then think nothing of coming up to bed, switching on the lights, throwing back the covers, reading his book etc etc... . He seems to be oblivious to the fact I was asleep and he has woken me up and is now keeping me awake... . but believe me, if I did this to him he would go ballistic... .

[HostNoMore]

Mine did the exact same thing to me too.  I really do not know if it was an overt attempt to break me or not.  About halfway through the relationship she started setting the alarm clock an hour earlier than she had been setting it prior for no legitimate reason.  She would then hit the snooze button repeatedly for a literal whole hour before rising.  I've never seen anything like it in my entire life.  I am a light sleeper and was getting 3-4 hours of very poor quality sleep.  She could fall asleep in 2 seconds flat.

I used to look forward to those rare nights when I stayed at my home alone where I could have normal sleep.  I can definitely say the sleep deprivation kept me off balance, but I just cannot say if she purposefully did it or not.  It does not matter as the net effect on me was the same.

I'm just happy to be out of the relationship and successful in rejecting her re-engagement attempts.  She probably would have re-engaged me without the support and knowledge of the board.  It's amazing the things that one can accomplish w/o a BPD boat anchor in one's life.

[Simona]

Today I did the same to him!     

Last night he again threw a tantrum, forbid me to use my own laptop unless I do my housework duties, then I spent entire evening and night in my very hot room, when he was watching TV and laughing frantically to the comedy movies. I stayed up for hours and hours and the moment I was about to fall asleep he started to come into my room, slammed doors many times, turned lights on and off and pretended as if he was looking for something.

This morning I woke up so early, he was peacefully sleeping in his room and I was a wreck as usual. I applied same technique to him, entering his room loudly, slamming doors, entering again, turning on and off A/C. I know it was childish but felt great and finally a bit empowered towards his attacks. Funny enough, he was so shocked of my outbursts and did nothing, even treated me a little better than usual.

Although I did it, I am not recommending it to anybody, I was reckless and still a bit high of the feeling that I will leave him in two days. So please, don't do it!   

[Murbay]

Quite an interesting conversation.

Mine would keep me awake most nights, especially when I was in my own country (5 hours time difference ahead). I would be going to work on 1 hours sleep, sometimes less. I tried to drop hints but they fell on deaf ears, if I was more assertive it would lead to an argument, if I just cut her off, the phone would then be constant and I would get the grief for not considering her abandonment issues and that I was just being selfish.

I would be expected to fall asleep with her on skype and while that was cute in the beginning, if she woke up and the connection dropped I would be woken to connect again.

When I eventually moved out there, it was the same thing. Conversations in the early hours, and comments about never leaving her. I was also expected to tickle her back while she went to sleep and if I should fall asleep before her, I would be met with anger in the morning and reminded that I must try harder the following evening. One night I actually said that sometimes I would just like it if we held each other, it was met with disgust. So I said tickling her back every night was feeling like a job since I was graded each day, I was met with 4 days of silence to the point I apologised.

To top it all off, she would take afternoon naps after work for 2 hours but if I so much as went to sleep through the day, I was called lazy. Even to the point where I was expected to be awake before the children so I could watch them wake up in the morning and I was in trouble if I wasn't or if she had to wake me because "that was not her job"

[VeryFree]

Today I did the same to him!     

Last night he again threw a tantrum, forbid me to use my own laptop unless I do my housework duties, then I spent entire evening and night in my very hot room, when he was watching TV and laughing frantically to the comedy movies. I stayed up for hours and hours and the moment I was about to fall asleep he started to come into my room, slammed doors many times, turned lights on and off and pretended as if he was looking for something.

This morning I woke up so early, he was peacefully sleeping in his room and I was a wreck as usual. I applied same technique to him, entering his room loudly, slamming doors, entering again, turning on and off A/C. I know it was childish but felt great and finally a bit empowered towards his attacks. Funny enough, he was so shocked of my outbursts and did nothing, even treated me a little better than usual.

Although I did it, I am not recommending it to anybody, I was reckless and still a bit high of the feeling that I will leave him in two days. So please, don't do it!   

Hi Simona

I understand your feeling... . I really do.

But beware: like you say yourself, it's reckless. But more than that: that kind behaviour are the flees that are on you. You really do not want them. You have a conscience... . sooner or later that one is going to speak to you. Don't lower yourself even if it feels good at the moment. Just my 2cts.

Take care.

[Simona]

VeryScared you are right on that! I should have been more careful to not let all those toxic behaviours don't stick on me but I must admit, I start to mirror him a little.

I think it's also part of the adaptation to coexist. My uBPD H only gets extreme emotional reactions, speaking calmly has no effect or whatsoever on him. For example I can tell him hundreds of times to not watch TV so loud when I try to sleep and have work the other day, that will do nothing. However if I storm in to the living room and pull the plug out of wall, yell at him as "I TRY TO SLEEP HERE" then you can be sure the TV will not be as high as it was. Maybe it's because he had a very dramatic and sadistic/NPD father when he was growing and all their house life was full of yelling, cursing, physical. mental and emotional abuse and he was the target of all since he was the oldest? Only God knows the answer.

I am leaving tomorrow, can't belive this day is that soon. I will leave all my clothes and everything behind, maybe when I am finally on my own I can go back to the person who I once was.

Thanks for the advices 

Today I did the same to him!     

Last night he again threw a tantrum, forbid me to use my own laptop unless I do my housework duties, then I spent entire evening and night in my very hot room, when he was watching TV and laughing frantically to the comedy movies. I stayed up for hours and hours and the moment I was about to fall asleep he started to come into my room, slammed doors many times, turned lights on and off and pretended as if he was looking for something.

This morning I woke up so early, he was peacefully sleeping in his room and I was a wreck as usual. I applied same technique to him, entering his room loudly, slamming doors, entering again, turning on and off A/C. I know it was childish but felt great and finally a bit empowered towards his attacks. Funny enough, he was so shocked of my outbursts and did nothing, even treated me a little better than usual.

Although I did it, I am not recommending it to anybody, I was reckless and still a bit high of the feeling that I will leave him in two days. So please, don't do it!   

Hi Simona

I understand your feeling... . I really do.

But beware: like you say yourself, it's reckless. But more than that: that kind behaviour are the flees that are on you. You really do not want them. You have a conscience... . sooner or later that one is going to speak to you. Don't lower yourself even if it feels good at the moment. Just my 2cts.

Take care.