todayistheday, secrets were definitely the norm in my family growing up with an uBPD/NPDm and enDad. The thing is the secret was sometimes strange, like you said - they seemed to be moving targets, what you could or could not talk about. But sometimes when I unknowingly talked about something my uBPDm thought should not be talked about, I'd get the silent treatment for a few days and not even know why I was being punished.
It's related to triangulation too in my opinion, and the love that some BPDs have of pitting family members against each other. They'll tell one sibling one thing and tell them not to tell the other sibling and vice versa. My uBPDm constantly said things about my brothers/sisters-in-law that she didn't want me to tell them, and I know she did the same with them.
Yes secrets are like currency in my family, the more loyal you are to someone the more things you get to hear about other people. If I do what my UBPD mother wants or behave like the daughter she confides in me and I get 'rewarded' with a juicy secret about somebody else.
zubizou87, exactly! I always knew when I was in uBPDm's good graces because she'd start gossiping and trying to talk trash about people to me.
We also had to keep secrets about anything that might indicate that our family wasn't keeping up with the Joneses. E.g., money problems. But that seems pretty normal to me actually - most people don't want that type of information to get around.
The internally created drama is so draining and unnecessary... . and it all feeds into their need for people to be off balance around them, so they can be in control.
