Checking in

[dharmagems]

I have not been in contact with my xBPDh for 4 months.  I am trying to do relaxing and engaging activities that I did before I met my ex.  Some of it works to help me and distract me from the pain.  Today after meeting with a group of people and leaving them I felt that sinking dropping feeling of not having someone around me all the time, someone who we were constantly in sync about each other's schedule.  I miss the attachment my ex gave me an fulfilled.  I know- I was codependent and I do attend some CODA meetings, it's just not easy.  I manage daily my own moods related to a condition I have:reactive hypoglycemia.  I have so much anxiety and depression I watch after, let alone recovering from the end order our marriage.  I have so much longing- for an equal and healthy partnered relationship, for a family I could call my own, to matter to someone, to belong to a tribe and be accepted.  I guess after this breakup I am learning to give all of those unconditional love to myself.  I just wanted to vent the state I am in now and thanks for listening all of you.  I am blessed to find this group and recieved from all of you a sense of understanding and connection.  

[VeryFree]

Hi dharmagems

I can feel the things you're going through right now. It's not easy to be alone, without somebody close to share good and bad things.

It seems you're on the right track: learning to love yourself!

Take care!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi, I have been in NC for about 5 months, and I want to relate to that heavy feeling of wanting to belong.  I became very attached to my ex, and sometimes the empty feeling seems almost unbearable, but on the flip side, I don't have the constant anxiety that I had at the end of our relationship. 

The anxiety was almost debilitating, but I had become addicted to the relationship.  Part of me thought the anxiety would be better than being alone.  And sometimes I still think that way... . but that's really not the truth for me.  What you said about loving yourself is spot on, I believe.  I receive a sense of belonging in 12-step meetings.  Take care.

[dharmagems]

Thank you about commenting on belonging and remembering the walking on eggshells.  The anxiety of staying with a the BPD is exactly why I left.  I even suffered through PTSD.  I was also addicted to the relationship: seeking for his adoration as well as being traumatized when he painted me black.  I also enjoyed the financial support as well as got scared when he threatened to take it away as he devalued me. I am growing up so much to confront him by leaving with no contact and confronting my childhood wounds.  So much pain.  Sometimes I need some solice other than drugs or food to comfort me.  Filling that hole inside me is great work daily.  I try to make it to CoDA meetings and this past months been attending a childhood abuse trauma group.  That is the place I feel the most belonging nowadays. This board has been a tremoundous resource of information and support as well.  I don't feel alone here.

[Phoenix.Rising]

dharmagems, 

It sounds like you are making some positive efforts towards change.  I can tell you that change definitely doesn't happen overnight!  I do best when I look at it as a lifelong journey.  I'm never going to 'arrive'.  There will always be work to do.  Kudos to you for putting you first!   

Phoenix.Rising