My Biggest Fear is my exBPD trying to establish contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm finally feeling like I'm moving on like everything will be okay, I'm going on a second date with a great normal non-BPD woman tonight and a first date with another woman this weekend.  But it occurred to me that I am literally scared to death of what I would do if my exBPDgf makes contact.  I don't think she will my last interaction with her asked her to never contact me again.  She's also the type that loves to play the victim and by asking her for NC I kind of took that away from her, and she's obbsessed over her image and what other people think about her so after her smear campaign of me it would look wrong in her eyes to reach out.  I'm pretty confident that I'm right about this but I heard that they always reach out at some point, sometimes months or even years later.  I hope it's the latter for me bc I really don't know what I would do, and I have made soo much progress I couldn't handle going through that nighmare again.     

[costadelmar]

I'm finally feeling like I'm moving on like everything will be okay, I'm going on a second date with a great normal non-BPD woman tonight and a first date with another woman this weekend.  But it occurred to me that I am literally scared to death of what I would do if my exBPDgf makes contact.  I don't think she will my last interaction with her asked her to never contact me again.  She's also the type that loves to play the victim and by asking her for NC I kind of took that away from her, and she's obbsessed over her image and what other people think about her so after her smear campaign of me it would look wrong in her eyes to reach out.  I'm pretty confident that I'm right about this but I heard that they always reach out at some point, sometimes months or even years later.  I hope it's the latter for me bc I really don't know what I would do, and I have made soo much progress I couldn't handle going through that nighmare again.     

[lhd981]

I'm also the subject of a likely smear campaign by my BPD ex and share in your thinking that if she does reach out to me, especially as she's the "victim" here, then it will invalidate her entire campaign.

Having read some eye-opening posts here about people who were contacted some 25+ of NC by their exes (through the ubiquitous powers of Facebook), I don't think never is truly never anymore.

While I'm petrified that if my ex does contact me it will somehow undo all the progress I've made, I'm trying hard to focus on becoming healthier overall and working on what made me so completely attracted to someone as unhealthy as her in the first place. Though I remain emotionally prepared (as best as I can be) for the day she does make contact or, worse, I run into her at a concert or something - the only real long-term solution I've seen has been to live my life "moving forward", focusing on being healthy, dating and trying to find a good partner.

Best of luck to you!

[costadelmar]

ihd,

I think for me not knowing about BPD at the time I was overwhelmed and taken in by her.  I wish I had found out about this disorder 2 years ago but at least I'm aware moving forward.  Two days ago I went into work about an hour and 1/2 later than I normally do, and as I'm driving I notice she's right in front of me in the left lane.  I knew it was her car and I saw the sillouette of her hair plus a little stuffed animal she has in the back.  I refused to look over at her but did speed up a little to get next to her.  I kept looking straight ahead but could tell that she turned her head when we were right next to each other, she knows my truck.  She got in the far left lane (She was going to her work she doesn't actually work there but she picks up paperwork etc and it's always random on her random days off etc).  Anyway I was really proud of myself but I know she's going to tell people that I pretended like I didn't see her which is true.  The irony here is that when ever we were in-between recycling she would see me out somewhere and swear that I saw her.  She did this several times and I never did see her I even asked her friends if they thought I saw her and they said no she's just being the way she is.  Actually, calling or texting me though I don't know what I would do.  I'm glad I didn't look direcdtly at her the other day though very proud of that

[Lao Tzu]

     Do folks here really think re-contact with a BPDex pretty much always happens?  I don't know much about this disorder, really, and I certainly see that as a very common thread on this site, but I really need to know what people with experience think about this!

     I had 30 years of NC (really!) and then a fairly improbable thing happened; my ex suddenly made a very sharp change in her career path and moved several states to begin work at the same company I work at.  I have considered that just bad luck or bad fate or something but it wouldn't have been much of a task for her to find out where I work. She had a very ugly break-up with her husband of many years a short time ago, also. 

     She has been 100% professional in her relationship with me since she started work here, although I have seen a certain amount of emotional over-riding going on in her -- avoiding eye contact, etc.-- I just considered that a bit of shame about remembering our previous relationship. If she wanted to have contact with me away from prying eyes she has had ample opportunity and has certainly avoided it.  We never had any of the 'hate side' openly.  Thirty years ago she was lining up a friend of ours for a replacement for me, which I discovered (but said nothing), when she gave me the "I still love you but sometimes love isn't enough" line that I've seen more than once on this site and went back to her supposedly awful husband.

     The truth is that I never even considered the possibility that this ridiculously unlikely move could be explained by the simple fact that it had nothing to do with probability at all. It could have happened pretty easily if it had been planned, as she is really pretty over-qualified to work here compared to where she was.

     I don't trust my own ability to see clearly any more, though.  And, I don't think I ever really have been able to figure out what was true from her side.  Oh man, is this at all likely to be the truth, or am I just being stupid (again) and paranoid?  I really could use some opinion here.       

[Murbay]

Lao,

That's quite a record of 30 years NC and I can understand your apprehension at her suddenly turning up after all these years.

Just a few questions though, was it truly NC on her side too or do you have mutual friends? The reason I ask is because you said she moved several states and if there was NC for 30 years, whether it was just co-incidence that she ended up at your company or did she already know where you worked?

However, it does seem quite the leap for it to be just co-incidence so I don't you are being stupid or paranoid, I think your feelings are perfectly valid and until you know what her motives are, I don't think you can truly say one way or another why she just happens to be there.

[delgato]

costa,


Who knows, only time will tell.

I suppose the goal is to heal as much as possible, not only from the time spent with the BPD ex, but also deal with any other issues or what-not of yours that might perhaps have been present before you even met her.

If she painted you black and/or smeared you, that still might not be enough to keep you safe -- as they can always try to justify to others trying to become reacquainted with you. And they can be pretty good at that kind of stuff.


Personally, I never thought I'd see mine again. Sure enough, 5.5 years later, she pops back into my life.

How? Similar to Lao's story... . She knew where I worked. She knew somebody who could get her in there. Yep, hired. Even though it's a 100-mile round-trip for her. Coincidence? Perhaps at least to some degree. I always wondered, though.

I was very cautious at first, but seemed that she had gotten a lot better from our 1st go-around. She wasn't. She had only become more adept at hiding it -- and at manipulation. Fortunately, during that 5.5-year absence, I had also become more versed in BPD & interpersonal relationships & my own personal growth, heh. I could tell she was still the same.


In any event, we still went a 2nd round, albeit fairly short. And that ended very similar to the 1st.

I'm no longer employed by that company & we are not communicating. Makes things a lot easier for me.


Who knows when -- or even if -- they'll ever try to contact us again. Only thing you can do is to be strong, and go on living your life.

[Murbay]

Mine painted me black last year to all her friends and family in preparation that I was about to abandon her. I was working abroad at the time and was given the ultimatum of either leaving my job and going back or staying. The job was to help us with bills but my company turned it around and let me take my job with me. Right before I left, I got a message from her to say that when i got back I had a lot of apologies to make to her friends and family, which I didn't understand what she meant.

What really happened was she had painted me black, said a lot of nasty untruths to people and then wanted me to apologise for the things I hadn't said or done 

Please bear in mind, I had no idea she had BPD at this time. What it did was made me take full responsibility for her words while making her out to look the saint for taking me back and trying to make the marriage work. I did just that out of love.

Roll on to this year, all it took was me not responding to one of her e-mails in 3 hours for her to paint me black with a nasty cover story again. She already set the tone last year and I took responsibility then so it made it more believable. Despite that, and the false allegations she made, she has still tried to make contact every week so far, even going as far as sending an e-mail asking me to respond to her questions and gave me a deadline of 3 hours in which to respond.

I was in the process of finding a place close in the city where she lives so I could be near to the children but she put a stop on that. She didn't even want me in the same country as her. Her reason? I suspect, when everything backfires, which it will and she gets found out, she has somewhere she can flee to where she won't be in danger of running in to these people again. She was extremely angry when I didn't go directly back to my own country, but took a detour to another one to stay with my sister for a short while. The last e-mail i had from her last week, was to ask for my address so she could post some things on to me. Now that is control

[Lao Tzu]

Lao,

That's quite a record of 30 years NC and I can understand your apprehension at her suddenly turning up after all these years.

Just a few questions though, was it truly NC on her side too or do you have mutual friends? The reason I ask is because you said she moved several states and if there was NC for 30 years, whether it was just co-incidence that she ended up at your company or did she already know where you worked?

However, it does seem quite the leap for it to be just co-incidence so I don't you are being stupid or paranoid, I think your feelings are perfectly valid and until you know what her motives are, I don't think you can truly say one way or another why she just happens to be there.


Dear Murbay,

     Thanks for your response.  To answer your questions, the 30 years was on her side as well.  I thought she would return, really, the entire 3 decades (as ridiculous as that sounds) but I never made any effort to recontact her as I didn't want to appear weak.  We don't have any mutual friends and I honestly think neither of us ever shared our story with anyone else anyway, as we both had plenty to be ashamed of.  She moved, as had I, several times and she starting working in an area related to what I do, but still pretty different.  I never would have guessed we'd ever cross paths again. 

     As far as how she might know where I worked, we are both fairly high profile people and all she had to do was use Google.  On my side, I often followed what she was doing by going to YouTube, as there were always videos of her giving a speech or something. (I know, right?  Can you say high functioning?)

     I would never have even considered the possibility that her relocation was anything but a complete coincidence, but for two things: 1. The stories on this board about NC for 25 years followed by re-connection (see Charred, for example and others) and 2. She had stayed married to the same guy she had cheated on with me 30 years ago until a little over a year ago.  Hiring at a big company at the level she is at usually takes about a year, so the timing is a little too perfect. 

     I assume I am just letting my mind run wild a bit at this point, but that's why I'm very interested in what others think.  I know no one can be sure, especially since these folks are impulsive and dishonest, but I can't help wondering.

     To be perfectly honest, I day dream about being with her again but I would need to be sure she was on medication and getting appropriate therapy as I truly couldn't accept even the idealization phase for two seconds at this point in my life.  We share so much in common I could bore you for five pages, and that would be nice to share in a real relationship, but for all I know she has no clue what her problem is and her condition is as bad as ever, so I'm trying not to kid myself too much.  Key word: 'trying'.  Thanks, again. 

[fakename]

i think thats a fair fear to have... .

whats not to be afraid of when the fear is someone who has such a control over us and cause so much harm yet we keep going back... .

one of my goals is to just know how to react and maintain presence of mind when confronted by any of my fears, once i have that control back, then it's no longer a fear of mine i'd have to worry about