What would you do?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is a copy and paste from the intro forum.

I've posted in 'Undecided' because for everything I tell myself and everything I think I should feel... . there's still love there. And after going through this game of breaking up and making up she loves to play, I know one of us will cave one day. Maybe in a few days, maybe a month, maybe three. Who knows.

I've been with my BPD girl for around 10 weeks now. We 'dated' (did datey stuff, but only as friends) for about six months prior to that.

She sees a psych once a month and isn't on meds.

For her, sex = love. She needs it at least daily to be reassured. She wants me to want it, to be turned on, everywhere. Mini golf. Driving. Movies. On the couch - wherever.

We're basically over at the moment, though this is breakup 15+. The reason being, the pressure of what she wants, as well as a couple of 'going off early' incidents, not to mention the fact I'm codependent - I've developed a terrible anxiety, to the point where I can't get aroused (not just by her - myself, porn, anything!) - which of course, leads to massive feelings of rejection in her.

I know only I can sort my anxiety and I'm getting professional help with that. In the meantime, she basically is saying she will have her needs met elsewhere. Her ex stayed over last night, though they didn't do more than cuddle. She told me he is there again tonight, sent me a photo of them holding hands, but I'm quite sure it's an old photo and a bluff. In any case, I've been the most stern i've ever been and made it very clear that anything like that happening again means I'm gone for good.

I don't even know what 'advice' i'm seeking because, well - as you guys know, this is just a brutal disorder and recently it's become so much worse, with cutting and violence thrown into the usual rages. She claims massive abandonment now that i'm not there, which develops into an ultimatum 'be here and make love to me to show you love me, now or never' which is just not going to happen- hardly sets the mood at the best of times, but just applies more pressure which increases performance anxiety.

Any suggestions on how to approach her when she threatens to go to him, or when she cries abandonment? In her mind we are over so if she goes to him it's not cheating. If she does that, and comes back, anyone got ideas on how to well... . stay strong?

Anyway. Update. Friday night we had a good talk. Oh, and the night before we'd had sex and the anxiety matter was gone. She was very open and tearful and apologetic, which is rare for her. She told me she had feelings for her ex and she never would have contacted him if she thought feelings would return. She said she knew they had no future but still, her feeling distant from me (due to things being 'safe' at the same time as him showing her attention meant she couldn't guarantee she could lose those feelings, and that she didn't expect me to just wait around to see what happened.

Things were good, we hugged, I tried to be understanding but at the same time was processing crazy amounts of anger, fear, sadness of my own. After things were good, I said I was leaving to go home and think. She found out I went to a mates and had a few drinks. That was an unforgiveable abandonment in her eyes. I can see that point of view. But I had to leave for my own sake. I was emotionally exhausted. I felt like I needed to leave, despite not wanting to, despite knowing that she was vulnerable and laying all her cards on the table.

Saw her last night, got my stuff for the last time. She told me then she lied about her ex and her having protected sex (previously when asked she said 'Of course, I don't know where he's been' and that I should get myself checked out. Who knows which was the truth. So many lies.

Don't even know what I'm really asking or anything here. Just venting. So sad that somebody can be so destructive, have such little respect for self and others.

A few nights back she told me not to tell her mum about what she'd done. I said I wouldn't do that. Right now it's taking every restraint to not tell everyone of her friends and family about the things she had said and done. But unlike her, I know reaction when emotional isn't healthy. I've typed her an email - again, not sending it due to knowing I'm pretty upset still, but I will maybe send it one day.

Oh and she has used words like weak, spineless before. Said she needs me to be strong. Friday night I think I was being strong. Going back there last night to talk - was that weak, giving in to what she was wanting (attention, to be #1, to deflect everything that's happened and apportion blame to me)? Or was it strong, and coming from a place of love and compassion? I don't know how someone can be strong for a BPD through being firm and setting rules or boundaries -but at the same time not incite the abandonment and rejection they so fear.

Even leaving last night, for what I can't see as anything other than the last time due to the hurt in her words - I can't help but think she will be back, someday, and I will be accused of abandoning her once again. How do we deal with that circle of "Leave now, get out of my life, if I don't go I'll cut myself/call the cops/go sleep with my ex... . You abandoned me, I needed you to be strong and stay" ?

Oh. I missed a pretty major detail.

The photo wasn't a bluff. She went to his house and had sex with him.

[OzzieHammer]

This is a copy and paste from the intro forum.

I've posted in 'Undecided' because for everything I tell myself and everything I think I should feel... . there's still love there. And after going through this game of breaking up and making up she loves to play, I know one of us will cave one day. Maybe in a few days, maybe a month, maybe three. Who knows.

I've been with my BPD girl for around 10 weeks now. We 'dated' (did datey stuff, but only as friends) for about six months prior to that.

She sees a psych once a month and isn't on meds.

For her, sex = love. She needs it at least daily to be reassured. She wants me to want it, to be turned on, everywhere. Mini golf. Driving. Movies. On the couch - wherever.

We're basically over at the moment, though this is breakup 15+. The reason being, the pressure of what she wants, as well as a couple of 'going off early' incidents, not to mention the fact I'm codependent - I've developed a terrible anxiety, to the point where I can't get aroused (not just by her - myself, porn, anything!) - which of course, leads to massive feelings of rejection in her.

I know only I can sort my anxiety and I'm getting professional help with that. In the meantime, she basically is saying she will have her needs met elsewhere. Her ex stayed over last night, though they didn't do more than cuddle. She told me he is there again tonight, sent me a photo of them holding hands, but I'm quite sure it's an old photo and a bluff. In any case, I've been the most stern i've ever been and made it very clear that anything like that happening again means I'm gone for good.

I don't even know what 'advice' i'm seeking because, well - as you guys know, this is just a brutal disorder and recently it's become so much worse, with cutting and violence thrown into the usual rages. She claims massive abandonment now that i'm not there, which develops into an ultimatum 'be here and make love to me to show you love me, now or never' which is just not going to happen- hardly sets the mood at the best of times, but just applies more pressure which increases performance anxiety.

Any suggestions on how to approach her when she threatens to go to him, or when she cries abandonment? In her mind we are over so if she goes to him it's not cheating. If she does that, and comes back, anyone got ideas on how to well... . stay strong?

Anyway. Update. Friday night we had a good talk. Oh, and the night before we'd had sex and the anxiety matter was gone. She was very open and tearful and apologetic, which is rare for her. She told me she had feelings for her ex and she never would have contacted him if she thought feelings would return. She said she knew they had no future but still, her feeling distant from me (due to things being 'safe' at the same time as him showing her attention meant she couldn't guarantee she could lose those feelings, and that she didn't expect me to just wait around to see what happened.

Things were good, we hugged, I tried to be understanding but at the same time was processing crazy amounts of anger, fear, sadness of my own. After things were good, I said I was leaving to go home and think. She found out I went to a mates and had a few drinks. That was an unforgiveable abandonment in her eyes. I can see that point of view. But I had to leave for my own sake. I was emotionally exhausted. I felt like I needed to leave, despite not wanting to, despite knowing that she was vulnerable and laying all her cards on the table.

Saw her last night, got my stuff for the last time. She told me then she lied about her ex and her having protected sex (previously when asked she said 'Of course, I don't know where he's been' and that I should get myself checked out. Who knows which was the truth. So many lies.

Don't even know what I'm really asking or anything here. Just venting. So sad that somebody can be so destructive, have such little respect for self and others.

A few nights back she told me not to tell her mum about what she'd done. I said I wouldn't do that. Right now it's taking every restraint to not tell everyone of her friends and family about the things she had said and done. But unlike her, I know reaction when emotional isn't healthy. I've typed her an email - again, not sending it due to knowing I'm pretty upset still, but I will maybe send it one day.

Oh and she has used words like weak, spineless before. Said she needs me to be strong. Friday night I think I was being strong. Going back there last night to talk - was that weak, giving in to what she was wanting (attention, to be #1, to deflect everything that's happened and apportion blame to me)? Or was it strong, and coming from a place of love and compassion? I don't know how someone can be strong for a BPD through being firm and setting rules or boundaries -but at the same time not incite the abandonment and rejection they so fear.

Even leaving last night, for what I can't see as anything other than the last time due to the hurt in her words - I can't help but think she will be back, someday, and I will be accused of abandoning her once again. How do we deal with that circle of "Leave now, get out of my life, if I don't go I'll cut myself/call the cops/go sleep with my ex... . You abandoned me, I needed you to be strong and stay" ?

Oh. I missed a pretty major detail.

The photo wasn't a bluff. She went to his house and had sex with him.

[daze]

I know you love her, but it's not worth it.  Let her go.  This early in a relationship that's what I'd do.  I know it hurts, but better to let go now.  That she needs attention from other men is a huge red flag.  Let her go.

[Surnia]

Oziehammer

You are asking about how to deal with the push - pull circle... . In my opinion the only way is to be grounded and assertive and knowing your values.

So what are your values in a rs? What about trust and faithfulness? Is this the rs you want to have?

And: trust your body! He is telling you something not getting aroused.

[lockedout]

I'm 38, separated.

Sometimes the little head does a better job of keeping you out of trouble than the big head gives it credit for. You're not alone with the equipment not being ready when you need it. I've been having my own issues. I'm not sure if it's from sex having been used as a weapon against me (which is what you have going on right now, my friend) or from the anti-depressant medication I've been taking for the last couple years. On the flip side, I'm not panicking just yet. The women I've had a shot at since I've been separated were probably not the best. One was a possible borderline. The other was a serious clinger with no sense of boundaries. The one I was with last night was overweight and has a lot more money than life experience. She shut me down quickly, BUT a chick taking her clothes off and laying back waiting for it does't exactly qualify as foreplay and I can't say for sure that I'd function properly under more favorable conditions. It's sad to see someone whose view of intimacy is so limited. In hind sight I think there were factors of not being turned on or anxiety from the subconcious realization that there's no healthy relationship to be found.

Last month I spent some time with a girl who was visiting from out of town. We didn't have sex (she's a good girl and I stay in touch) but there was lots of making out and I felt a connection to her that I'd never felt with my BPD ex or anyone else. I doubt I would have had any performance issues if the occasion had presented itself. I felt completely at ease with her... . and like I'd been kicked down there later on (it's all good but that didn't happen with the BPDer, clinger, or the rich girl which tells me they may not have turned me on to begin with).

My ex used sex as a weapon against me. She was all about the idea that it was up to me to make sure she was satisfied and I was made to feel guilty about pleasure I received. Neither is supposed to worry about it but let things happen and enjoy. She later cut me off because I gave her "nothing" emotionally. She would have "guy friends" over the house while I was at work. I'm still on a high dose of anti-depressant. I can't really say what caused the issue or when it started since sex went from extremely rare to completely stopped. I'm going to cut back on the anti-depressant to see if that changes anything; I also may not need it since I'm no longer in the situation that was causing all the depression. 

Bottom line is that this woman you're trying to have a relationship is dangerous to your emotional health. A sane person doesn't sleep with you one night then send pictures related to her hookup with another guy then next night. It's a sick and warped view of the world. It's only going to get worse.